Author Topic: Today's Funnies  (Read 12450 times)

Laura Lee

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Today's Funnies
« on: April 08, 2008, 03:50:49 AM »
Actual headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
:D Weee

freespirit

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2008, 12:24:44 PM »
.

That's a nice picture for my tumbleweed collection.   :)

w8m8

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2008, 01:03:19 PM »
Actual headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



 ;D 

davidpaul

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2008, 03:43:49 AM »
lol

Faust

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2008, 05:32:20 AM »
 ;D
$

Laura Lee

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2008, 01:28:30 PM »
;D

roflmao!!!!!  That kid's outta control!  ;D
:D Weee

w8m8

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2008, 01:34:03 PM »
I love that kid  ;D

he had very good pronounciation too  :D

Faust

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2008, 02:18:54 PM »
 ;D

If i'm gonna have a fat kid, i want him to be like him  ;D



Dude's got some balls, talking like that at the end, while her man is standing there  ;D
$

Butterbean

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2008, 02:46:14 PM »
R

Butterbean

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2008, 10:41:15 AM »
We always hear ' the rules' from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side.
 
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
R

freespirit

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2008, 10:46:28 AM »
;D

If i'm gonna have a fat kid, i want him to be like him  ;D


Lot's of fat kids these days.

calmus

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2008, 05:44:20 PM »

WHy was Original Sin's post deleted?

Butterbean

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #12 on: April 20, 2008, 05:45:25 PM »
WHy was Original Sin's post deleted?
???  I didn't see a post from her.
R

calmus

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #13 on: April 20, 2008, 05:46:48 PM »
Apparently, she posted a picture of a tumbleweed, and then some sensitive soul deleted it. See freespirit's quote. 

Butterbean

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #14 on: April 20, 2008, 05:50:20 PM »
Apparently, she posted a picture of a tumbleweed, and then some sensitive soul deleted it. See freespirit's quote. 
I don't know what happened to it..  but it's possible she deleted it herself.
R

Laura Lee

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #15 on: April 25, 2008, 05:54:20 AM »
No words will suffice -- just see the picture.   

It might take you a minute --

I think now I can say -- 'I've seen it all'   very ingenious indeed, lol.

Redneck tank top...seen recently at a tractor pull.
 
Look Closely!!
:D Weee

Faust

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GoneAway

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #17 on: April 30, 2008, 02:36:35 AM »
great thread! ;D

Laura Lee

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #18 on: April 30, 2008, 04:45:31 AM »
 ;D
:D Weee

Original Sin

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2008, 08:07:56 AM »
I don't know what happened to it..  but it's possible she deleted it herself.

I did delete it myself.

I posted it after SF posted a picture of another member, in his laughing at other members is funny way of thinking.
So I posted the tumbleweed to describe all the people that were laughing at his "joke".

I then thought that people would take it that I thought Laura's thread was boring (which I don't), so I deleted it.

No censorship,
Nothing to see here... Move along.
Just Bad Bad Blood!

Laura Lee

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #20 on: June 15, 2008, 04:53:50 AM »
Moral Issue



This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

No one else will know, so you wont be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please read this slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.




Here's the situation:

You are in Florida... Miami to be specific.





There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.





This is a flood of biblical proportions.





You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.





The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.





There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.





Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water.





He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...somehow the man looks familiar.





You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!!





At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever.





You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush,





or





you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of America's worst President in history.





So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

















Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?   ;D
:D Weee

24KT

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #21 on: June 15, 2008, 01:01:52 PM »
Moral Issue



This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

No one else will know, so you wont be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please read this slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.




Here's the situation:

You are in Florida... Miami to be specific.





There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.





This is a flood of biblical proportions.





You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.





The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.





There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.





Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water.





He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...somehow the man looks familiar.





You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!!





At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever.





You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush,





or





you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of America's worst President in history.





So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

















Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?   ;D




I swear I knew it was gonna be something like that?
w

Laura Lee

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #22 on: June 26, 2008, 10:19:47 AM »
Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in Taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated November 12, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers Valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance To $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the 'Presidential Election Fund,' As noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5' Phillips Head Screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. Pays $22.00 each for 1.5' Phillips Head Screws).

One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to Paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer
:D Weee

Laura Lee

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NEW WONDER DRUGS
« Reply #23 on: July 17, 2008, 11:41:28 AM »
NEW WONDER DRUGS



1. DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.


2. EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out!



3. ST. MOMMA'S WORT

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.



4. PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.



5. DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.



6. FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.



7. MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "



8. BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.



9. JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat



10. ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.



11. NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
:D Weee

Princess L

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Re: Today's Funnies
« Reply #24 on: July 17, 2008, 12:12:51 PM »
Add this one to the list.
: