Today's Funnies

[w8m8]

[24KT]

lol 

[Laura Lee]

Gentle Thoughts for Today--

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates i s probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft
Today, it's called golf


Lord,Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

[Laura Lee]

Five  surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate  on.

The  first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The  second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The  third surgeon, from Houston , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The  fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction  workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But  the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:  'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts,  no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[24KT]

Five  surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate  on.

The  first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The  second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The  third surgeon, from Houston , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The  fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction  workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But  the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:  'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts,  no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Ooooh.... that's another keeper!!!   

[Laura Lee]

Not exactly a joke, but made me laugh none-the-less.   

[Laura Lee]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to Discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for
her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....30,000 to a man's 15,000.
 
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'

The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, bec ause that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several
pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Laura Lee]

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. 

[Permabulker]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

 

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him and looks down and says:

 

 

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

 

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

 

The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

 

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?

 

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...

 

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

 

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!.

..Sweet Jesus, I thought you said 'Turn around'..

[Permabulker]

Daddy calls home

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an
Uncle Paul.

''Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.''

Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it..
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?

[Laura Lee]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him and looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!.

..Sweet Jesus, I thought you said 'Turn around'..

roflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Permabulker]

Black hurricanes....

 Well, it appears our African-American friends have found
yet something else
to be pissed about.


A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee,
 of Houston),
 reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all
 Caucasian
 sounding names.


She would prefer some names that reflect African-American
 culture such as
 Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.


I am NOT making this up!
She would also like the weather
 reports to be
broadcast in 'language' that street people can
understand because one of the
problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black
people couldn't
understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the
racially biased
 language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going
 to blow at 140+
MPH, thats too hard to understand.



 I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans
 says...Wazzup,
 mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo'
 yo ass like Leroy on a
crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo' ! So, turn off
 dem chitlins, grab yo'
chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA
office fo yo FREE
shit!

[Permabulker]

Not a joke but FUNNY!!

[Permabulker]

MESICAN BYRUS ALERT!!!

BUENOS DIAS!!!
>
> JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MESICAN BYRUS.
>
> SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL
> BYRUS.
>
> PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL
> TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
>
> TANK JOU FOR HELPIN ME.
>
> JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA----MESICAN HACKER
> 

[Permabulker]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello".  I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program"? He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale"? He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

[Permabulker]

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF SANITY or INSANITY
            a.k.a., "Is your head half-full or half-empty?":
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/ sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com OR Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that?"
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6. Put your garbage can on you desk and label it "IN".
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers and make sure everyone notices.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo section of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11. Finish all you sentences with :"In accordance with the prophecy."
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. Don't use any punctuation.
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk, especially when heading to the boss's office.
15. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
16. When going through the drive-through at lunch, tell the attendant: "This order is to go!"
17. Sing along at the Opera.
18. When a downsizing is about to happen, propose a game of musical cubicals (remove one office chair and when the Musak stops, ...)
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in stall 3."
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 23. In the middle of your busy day, call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
24. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard or Juicy Momma
25. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I WON, I WON! 3rd time this week!"
26. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 27. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do!" 28. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
29. Every time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother's here!" And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...
30. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

[Permabulker]

Skinny dipping.....
>
> An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several
> Years.
> He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,
> >> so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
> >> some apple, and peach trees.
> >>
> >> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
> >> hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a
> >> Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
>
> >> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
> >> Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
> >> Skinny-dipping in his pond.
>
> >> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
> >> deep end.One of the women shouted to him,
&g t;
> >> 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
>
> >> The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
> >> swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
>
> >> Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
> >>
> >> Some old men can still think fast.

[jtsunami]

Actual headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

HAHAHHA Laura is so funny! 

[Laura Lee]

roflmao!!!!!!!!!   

[Laura Lee]

50 Fun Things To Do At Walmart:

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Don't bother doing your own shopping.  Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.  Insist on calling them 'Bob', and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own.  Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff.  For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice.  Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items.  If the cashier protests, kill them.


20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!"  Make a scene.

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. Climb things.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to "boobs".

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples).  Do a vague hand-mime of what a 'Shnerple' looks like to assist them.

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly place random combinations of items in their cart, such as 'A Large Cucumber and a Tub of Vasceline'.

47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[Butterbean]

Not a joke but FUNNY!!

[Permabulker]

Jokes to offend everyone!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
       Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
       The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
       The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
       Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
       Doughnuts.

What do you call a smart blonde?
       A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
       Their personalities.

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
       10 years and 45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
       45 minutes.

What is the fastest way to a man's heart?
       Through his chest with a very sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
       They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
       Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
       After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
       It's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars
they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
       Because they have cotton tails.

What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
       A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
       Mace will do that to you.

Why did O.J. Simspon want to move to West Virginia?
       Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do driver's education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
        Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed class
uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
       To a different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde
baby?
       They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
       A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a zoo in the south and a
zoo in the north?
       A zoo in the south has a description of the animal on
the front of the cage,
       along with a "recipe"

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the
"F" word?
       Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
"BINGO!"

[Permabulker]

Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.

It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

[Laura Lee]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at th e Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.  That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[Butterbean]