Author Topic: Today's Funnies (Read 12413 times)

Hustle Man · « **Reply #50 on:** December 08, 2008, 08:59:17 AM »

Don't know if you have seen this but I got a laugh and wanted to share!

http://creativity-online.com/work/view?seed=5e32d548

All is quiet of the Hustle Man front!

My beautiful woman is happy most of the time!

Loud mouth is on Vacation!

The EX got her checks on time!

The teen kidults are still learning life and on course to graduate soon from the "school of hard knocks"

Both with undergrad degrees in "Father Knows Best"!

The course load:

Ok, do it your way" (a prereq for) "I told you so 1001
No cell phone conversations while driving" (a prereq for) "They really mean don't talk on cell phones while you are driving
The posted speed limit really means don't go above it because it's against the law!
Never raise your voice to your mother and not expect a beat down!
Kid's in the city are much different than kid's in Hicktown USA!

I gained 10 lbs from stress

Re-injured my quad tendon (Probably from the extra 10 lbs. or vice versa)

The new puppy is alot like a newborn human and last but not least, DRUM ROLL!!!!!!!

Gonna be a daddy one more ginn!

Laura Lee · « **Reply #51 on:** December 08, 2008, 11:06:10 AM »

CONGRATULATIONS HM!!!

Original Sin · « **Reply #52 on:** December 08, 2008, 06:34:35 PM »

Gonna be a daddy one more ginn!
[/quote]

Okay does this mean another baby or another Gin?

either way congratz!!

seriously congtratz on the new Hustlekid!

Maybe I will date him since daddy is so OLD

Laura Lee · « **Reply #53 on:** December 09, 2008, 07:01:44 AM »

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Hustle Man · « **Reply #54 on:** December 09, 2008, 07:08:17 AM »

Quote from: Original Sin on December 08, 2008, 06:34:35 PM

Gonna be a daddy one more ginn!

Okay does this mean another baby or another Gin?

either way congratz!!

seriously congtratz on the new Hustlekid!

Maybe I will date him since daddy is so OLD

It means both another baby and more Gin and Grapefruit Juice!

Sin, I thank you for the congrats!
Daddy maybe old but still hitting homeruns!

Butterbean · « **Reply #55 on:** December 09, 2008, 07:54:00 AM »

Congratulations Hustle Man!!

Hustle Man · « **Reply #56 on:** December 11, 2008, 08:07:00 AM »

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

Laura Lee · « **Reply #57 on:** December 12, 2008, 12:01:14 PM »

lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?' No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?' If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Permabulker · « **Reply #58 on:** December 15, 2008, 11:47:35 AM »

HA!

Laura

Laura Lee · « **Reply #59 on:** December 15, 2008, 12:06:46 PM »

Quote from: Permabulker on December 15, 2008, 11:47:35 AM

HA!

Laura

HA! I'm not married.

Permabulker · « **Reply #60 on:** December 15, 2008, 12:15:00 PM »

Quote from: Laura Lee on December 15, 2008, 12:06:46 PM

HA! I'm not married.

I know dear... I was just thinking how you also wouldnt approve! So I gave it a

Laura Lee · « **Reply #61 on:** December 15, 2008, 12:19:04 PM »

Quote from: Permabulker on December 15, 2008, 12:15:00 PM

I know dear... I was just thinking how you also wouldnt approve! So I gave it a

Ahhh, well this is where you are wrong. I don't care if Mike looks (cuz I look too

) it's only natural to admire an attractive person. If he touches...well, that's a different story.

Permabulker · « **Reply #62 on:** December 15, 2008, 12:20:21 PM »

Quote from: Laura Lee on December 15, 2008, 12:19:04 PM

Ahhh, well this is where you are wrong. I don't care if Mike looks (cuz I look too ) it's only natural to admire an attractive person. If he touches...well, that's a different story.

Damn it! Epic backfiring fail!

Laura Lee · « **Reply #63 on:** December 15, 2008, 12:27:32 PM »

Quote from: Permabulker on December 15, 2008, 12:20:21 PM

Damn it! Epic backfiring fail!

Sowwy.

Laura Lee · « **Reply #64 on:** December 16, 2008, 08:02:52 AM »

Quote of the day:

”Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.”

~weed~ · « **Reply #65 on:** December 16, 2008, 08:46:02 AM »

Hustle Man · « **Reply #66 on:** December 17, 2008, 11:46:45 AM »

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-gun.

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be eas ier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too.. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

24KT · « **Reply #67 on:** December 19, 2008, 10:29:23 PM »

Quote from: Hustle Man on December 08, 2008, 08:59:17 AM

Gonna be a daddy one more ginn!

Congratulations!!! Looks like she won that round huh?

24KT · « **Reply #68 on:** December 19, 2008, 10:32:58 PM »

Sex With a Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a Blonde New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State :

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

"And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls!

They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans,
...I changed my mind!"

w8m8 · « **Reply #69 on:** January 30, 2009, 06:51:05 AM »

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, {as only a mother would know..}

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Hustle Man · « **Reply #70 on:** January 30, 2009, 09:56:33 AM »

What Goes Through Your Mind When Someone Says, "Let's go for a drink!".

Butterbean · « **Reply #71 on:** January 30, 2009, 02:10:19 PM »

Quote from: w8m8 on January 30, 2009, 06:51:05 AM

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

w8m8 is that a true story? Funny

Quote from: Hustle Man on January 30, 2009, 09:56:33 AM

What Goes Through Your Mind When Someone Says, "Let's go for a drink!".

hahahaha!

Hustle Man · « **Reply #72 on:** February 05, 2009, 07:04:06 PM »

Folks, I need your assistance ASAP. We got a new neighbor the other day a typical nutty blonde, she needed help hooking up her VCR and stuff. I thought who still uses a VCR? Well, here's a wiring diagram I pulled off the internet to assist her. Take a look and see what you think.

Because I don't want to look like an idiot, I also took a picture of her setting-up her system. See if you can figure out if I'm on track or not.

Thanks Folks,
HM

24KT · « **Reply #73 on:** February 05, 2009, 07:16:49 PM »

Quote from: w8m8 on January 30, 2009, 06:51:05 AM

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Oh that is an absolute keeper!

Please, ...tell me that's a true story!

Hustle Man · « **Reply #74 on:** February 06, 2009, 12:53:23 PM »

And that's when the fight started....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....

*************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

HM (Happy to be married)

Author Topic: Today's Funnies (Read 12413 times)

~weed~

w8m8