Tips for Squad!
http://www.justicewomen.com/help_special_rape.htmlPart I - General Tips
* Get Help! Even if there is not a scratch on your body, rape is an extremely serious trauma and a deep injustice. No one should go through the trauma of rape alone. You're probably going to need many kinds of help for at least a couple of months from friends, associates, and professionals. You deserve all the help you need, no matter what the circumstances of the rape.
A common problem for rape victims is that it's very difficult to ask for help because the rape has made them feel ashamed, weak, and wounded. If you're finding it difficult to ask for help, here's what to do. Pick a special friend and ask that friend to help you find more help. Ask that special friend to help you think of other people who would be good for different kinds of help. Ask your friend to make the phone calls for you.
You don't have to tell your support people everything. And the people you ask for help don't have to be experts on rape, and they don't necessarily have to be people you know well. Pick people whom your intuition tells you are smart and caring people.
* Always have a support person accompany you to appointments, meetings, and discussions pertaining to the rape. Never go alone to deal with the rape, whether it's an appointment with a detective, a talk with your family, a routine visit to a victim assistance center, or a brief meeting with a landlord, boss, or teacher. Bring someone with you, no matter how minor the encounter. In fact, it's a very good idea to have someone at your side even when you're making phone calls about the rape.
Here are some of the reasons it is so important that you as a rape victim have someone accompany you:
There is still a very strong tendency in our society for people to blame, disbelieve, or ostracize rape victims. Having a support person at your side is your absolute best protection against abuse by others because the person at your side is a witness to the other person's actions.
Having someone at your side steadies you and makes you feel strong. Even at seemingly insignificant encounters, such as asking a teacher to postpone a test because you were raped, you can be suddenly thrown off balance if the person's response is cold and unsympathetic. Being with a friend on these occasions not only serves to prevent these kinds of responses, it also protects you from being completely devastated and thrown off balance if they occur.
The person who accompanies you can help you remember information, and help you remember the questions you wanted to ask.
The person who accompanies you can and should take notes. Having your support person take notes is an additional means of preventing abuse.
Having support persons accompany you to appointments and meetings regarding the rape keeps these people informed and engaged in what you're going through. Because they know what you're going through, they can better support you in the future.
Again, the person you choose to accompany you doesn't have to be an expert on rape. Your support person also does not have to be the same person who accompanies you on every occasion. In fact, it's a good idea to have different persons accompany you so no one person becomes overly stressed.
* Treat your support persons well. Remember, the friends who are helping you are also probably feeling very upset and frightened by what you're going through. They probably feel at a loss for exactly what they should be doing, and helpless that they can't solve it all for you. So here's some things you can do that will help your support person be better able to help you.
Always be very clear with your friend exactly what it is you would like them to do. Tell them you know they can't solve it all. Stay in good communication with the people who are helping you. Thank them repeatedly for standing by you. And do remember, one person can't do it all. If you see that your friend is getting overwhelmed, ask your friend to help you find someone else to help, too.
* Get all your questions answered as soon and as accurately as possible. Unanswered questions create intense anxiety for rape victims, and the last thing you need is more anxiety. Here's an example. The day after making a police report, a rape victim realizes the officer didn't tell her what's going to happen next. As the hours pass she becomes increasingly anxious. Are they going to arrest him? Am I supposed to be doing something else? Is a detective going to call me? When is the detective going to call? Instead of suffering with the anxiety of these questions it's crucial that you get the answers as soon as possible.
Throughout the time of dealing with the rape, you're going to have all kinds of questions like this going through your mind. Get your questions answered as soon and as accurately as possible. Don't feel ashamed or shy about asking. You have a right to get complete and detailed answers to all your questions. Asking lots of questions of the authorities you deal with is also helps prevent abuse from the authorities. It lets them know you're paying attention.
If you don't feel satisfied with the answers you get, call the person's boss, call another official, a victim advocate, or call someone on the next shift. But don't suffer the anxiety of unanswered questions.
If you feel too overwhelmed to make the calls, ask a friend to make the phone calls for you. In fact making phone calls and helping you get accurate information is a good example of the kind of thing you can ask a friend to do.
* Establish Solid and Reliable Telephone Communication. Making sure you have good and reliable telephone communication is critical to your safety, critical to getting a good response from authorities, and it is essential to preventing isolation.
Leave complete phone messages. Most of the phone calls you make are going to be answered by voice mail or message machines. Leave complete information about what you want and complete information about how and when the person can get back to you. Take a minute before you get on the phone to think about what you want to say ahead of time. If you don't have a message machine. Try to get one. Or, make arrangements with a reliable friend so that people can leave messages with her or him. Stay in close communication with the people who are helping you.
If you don't speak English, don't hesitate to leave messages in your own language. Officials are required to get your message translated. Be sure and speak very slowly and clearly since the person listening to your message may not speak your language perfectly. For more information on what to do if you don't speak English, see Special for Immigrant Women.
* Keep a Notebook. It's virtually impossible to keep track of all the information, names, phone numbers, case numbers, appointments, and legal terms, that will come flooding over you as you deal with the rape. The only way to keep these things from spinning out of orbit is to keep them written down all in one notebook.
Writing everything down in a notebook will also give you a good sense of security and control. In addition to keeping track of information, use your notebook to write down questions you want to ask and points of information you want to remember to tell others. And when you're in a meeting or interview, have your support person take notes for you.
* Prepare a two minute summary of your case. The intense emotions you feel following a rape can overtake you unpredictably, especially when you are talking with others about the assault. When this happens your communication can easily become fragmented, frantic, and incoherent.
These emotional swings and frantic communication following a rape are completely normal. And they should also be understandable to others. The problem is that many people are unable or unwilling to deal with the intensity of these emotions. They stop listening to you right at the time when you most need to be heard.
So here's a suggestion that can help you immensely. Write a two or three minute summary of your story. Make this summary as professional as possible. Then read over your summary every time before you get on the phone or go to meetings pertaining to the rape. It will help put you in a frame of mind where you can communicate factually and coherently about the rape. You will be amazed how much more seriously officials will treat your case when you can present your story coherently.
* Take time to think things out and prepare before getting on the phone or walking into a meeting that deals in any way with the rape, whether with family, associates, or officials.
In addition to going over your one paragraph summary of the rape, here's a brief check list that you can use to prepare for talking with others about the rape:
What is the main point(s) I want to communicate?
What is the main result I want?
What are the main questions I want to ask?
What emotional tone do I want to communicate?
What is the most likely obstacle I could encounter?
What is my best argument to overcome the obstacle?
Write down your thoughts and questions, and always have a pen and paper ready to take notes. Go over the list and your answers with your support person. The best way to do all this is to take 15 minutes before any meeting or take 5 minutes before any phone call and focus on exactly what you want to accomplish. Doing this gives you control and keeps you from being thrown off balance by other people's responses. It also greatly increases the chances that you'll get what you need from your interactions with others.
