Author Topic: Funnys.....  (Read 2838 times)

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Funnys.....
« on: May 01, 2008, 08:12:47 PM »
A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas
 
Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like,
life-size bronze statue of a rat.
 
It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he
must have it.
 
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
 
Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollar restocking charge if
you bring it back" said the owner.
 
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars.
"I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."
 
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that
a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and they began
following him down the street.
 
This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster.
Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to
over a hundred, and they began squealing.
 
He started to trot towards the Harbor.
 
He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the
thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and
coming towards him faster and faster.
 
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as
far out into the Harbor as he could.
 
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and
they all drowned.
 
The man walked back to the curio shop.
"Aha," said the owner, You're bringing it back!

Actually, no, said the man. I came back to see how much you want for that
little bronze Mexican over there.
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

Nordic Beast

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 4895
  • Old World Values
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2008, 08:52:18 PM »
HAHAHahah dead mexicans ;D ;D ;D

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2008, 07:43:16 PM »
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course I am," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am - a fucking stunt driver?"
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2008, 07:43:56 PM »
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabbed her and stole her purse.
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

benchmstr

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 12476
  • Raging drunk
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2008, 09:00:36 PM »
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

hahahaha i worked a case about a month ago that sounds allot like that ;D

bench

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2008, 09:07:42 PM »
hahahaha i worked a case about a month ago that sounds allot like that ;D

bench
You should have a sticky to tell your tales.
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

benchmstr

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 12476
  • Raging drunk
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2008, 09:39:34 AM »
You should have a sticky to tell your tales.
i cant tell most of them because they havent been to court yet.

bench

Nordic Beast

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 4895
  • Old World Values
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2008, 09:48:03 AM »
i cant tell most of them because they havent been to court yet.

bench
>:(

well tell us the ones you can bro


whats your opinion on smoking weed bench??-----I dont drink and dont do other drugs but every once in a while I enjoy smoking...I feel like Im not hurting anyone else and wont fight or crash my car cause Im stoned....Ill just pound some lucky charms and rail the shit out of my girl ;D

Fury

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 21026
  • All aboard the USS Leverage
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2008, 09:51:09 AM »
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabbed her and stole her purse.


HAHAHAHAHAHA. Going to have to remember that one.

benchmstr

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 12476
  • Raging drunk
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2008, 12:07:11 PM »
>:(

well tell us the ones you can bro


whats your opinion on smoking weed bench??-----I dont drink and dont do other drugs but every once in a while I enjoy smoking...I feel like Im not hurting anyone else and wont fight or crash my car cause Im stoned....Ill just pound some lucky charms and rail the shit out of my girl ;D
it should be legal,i still wouldnt use it but that is just me.i really dont see any logical reason why it isnt legal to sale or purchase.and like you said as long as you dont drive who gives a fuck.

bench

Nordic Beast

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 4895
  • Old World Values
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2008, 12:11:04 PM »
it should be legal,i still wouldnt use it but that is just me.i really dont see any logical reason why it isnt legal to sale or purchase.and like you said as long as you dont drive who gives a fuck.

bench
thats why I respect you bro-----your a realistic person and a "real" guy who treats being a cop like you're supposed to.

in Cali its legal and the state hasn't fallen into the ocean---shit, with the 8.25% sales tax, do you know how incredibly its helping the budget crisis over there.

I hate xanax and all that shit--it makes people zombies and makes people crash their cars etc...those legal drugs are far worse than weed.

My sister used to have an eating disorder and getting prescribed weed has changed and saved her life---Im not bullshitting.  It really helps some people.

benchmstr

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 12476
  • Raging drunk
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2008, 04:16:29 PM »
thats why I respect you bro-----your a realistic person and a "real" guy who treats being a cop like you're supposed to.

in Cali its legal and the state hasn't fallen into the ocean---shit, with the 8.25% sales tax, do you know how incredibly its helping the budget crisis over there.
I hate xanax and all that shit--it makes people zombies and makes people crash their cars etc...those legal drugs are far worse than weed.

My sister used to have an eating disorder and getting prescribed weed has changed and saved her life---Im not bullshitting.  It really helps some people.
no shit,have you seen the price of a pack of cigarettes lately? with this country's love of weed,if it were made legal it would probably bring us out of recession ;D

bench

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2008, 06:10:31 PM »
A muscular body builder type is walking along the beach, when he happens upon a woman with no arms or legs lying in the sand. She looks up at him imploringly and says, "Please sir can you help me, I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed."" Feeling sorry for her he leans down and gives her a kiss.

She then says, "I hate to put you out, but I've never had a man touch my breasts." He's a little repulsed but, being a good sort and not wanting to hurt her feelings, he begins to stroke and caress her breasts.

After a few minutes of this she whispers in his ear, "You know, I've never been fucked." So he picks her up, throws her as far into the sea as he can and shouts, "You are now!"
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

bigkubby

  • Getbig IV
  • ****
  • Posts: 2837
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2008, 06:40:05 PM »
A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas
 
Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like,
life-size bronze statue of a rat.
 
It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he
must have it.
 
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
 
Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollar restocking charge if
you bring it back" said the owner.
 
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars.
"I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."
 
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that
a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and they began
following him down the street.
 
This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster.
Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to
over a hundred, and they began squealing.
 
He started to trot towards the Harbor.
 
He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the
thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and
coming towards him faster and faster.
 
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as
far out into the Harbor as he could.
 
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and
they all drowned.
 
The man walked back to the curio shop.
"Aha," said the owner, You're bringing it back!

Actually, no, said the man. I came back to see how much you want for that
little bronze Mexican over there.

DID YOU TAKE A SHOWER YET WONDER BREAD? YOUR A FUCKEN REDNECK PEICE OF SHIT. TELL YOUR WHORE ILL BE OVER LATER  ;)
i

dan18

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 7307
  • I DID WHAT I DID BECAUSE I DO WHAT I WANT.
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2008, 10:01:12 AM »
DID YOU TAKE A SHOWER YET WONDER BREAD? YOUR A FUCKEN REDNECK PEICE OF SHIT. TELL YOUR WHORE ILL BE OVER LATER  ;)
stop already every post you make is like a brain cell dying..
p

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #15 on: June 05, 2008, 06:04:17 PM »
A baby was born so advanced in development that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Fucking hurts, doesn't it!"
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #16 on: June 27, 2008, 08:54:13 PM »
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left". Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fare way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for the Presidency of the United States."
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2008, 08:35:39 PM »
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.  Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?". She replied, "Because I really miss mine."
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

_bruce_

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 23546
  • Sam Sesambröt Sulek
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #18 on: July 12, 2008, 07:07:01 AM »
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.  Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?". She replied, "Because I really miss mine."

 ;D ;D ;D
.

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2008, 08:38:45 PM »
A man walks into a mini mart and says, "Can I please have a Kit-Kat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a Kit-Kat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal Kit-Kat, you fat bitch!"
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

avesher

  • Time Out
  • Getbig IV
  • *
  • Posts: 2657
  • Oh Potato, Sleepy Time
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #20 on: July 17, 2008, 08:42:05 PM »
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.  Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?". She replied, "Because I really miss mine."

I lol'd

avesher

  • Time Out
  • Getbig IV
  • *
  • Posts: 2657
  • Oh Potato, Sleepy Time
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #21 on: July 19, 2008, 02:11:41 PM »

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #22 on: August 28, 2008, 08:13:35 PM »
Today an Aboriginal was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Police say it's the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
--



A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
--



Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, "Get this out of me, give me drugs!". She turns to the boyfriend and says "You did this to me you fucker!". He replied casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful - now who's laughing?'"
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!

chaos

  • Getbig V
  • *****
  • Posts: 57908
  • Ron "There is no freedom of speech here" Avidan
Re: Funnys.....
« Reply #23 on: December 04, 2008, 05:20:18 PM »
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your mum is it?!"
Liar!!!!Filt!!!!