Why I'm Voting Democrat...from a blog by some very sarcastic military guys.
The Armorer stole my thunder, but I definitely wanted to explain to all of our dear Castle Readers why I am going to vote Democrat this year.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that we don't have nearly enough regulation of our commerce, health care and free speech. Especially, free speech. There are way too many people saying way too many things that just don't jive with my political and personal beliefs. I think we should be able to use the government, the police, the courts and any ad hoc, un-elected, un-trained bureaucrats to point out and persecute people who don't say or think the right things. We can call it a human rights commission. Wouldn't that be ironic? But, everyone would take that super serious just because of the name and when they prescribe a thousand mea culpa's on our knees for daring to note someone has a different color of eyes than all the other people, we'll be so grateful it wasn't worse.
People can be offended by the things that people say, write and do and the people that do these offensive things should be made examples of using every means possible, up to and including imprisonment. I am so ready for that because I am way tired of being offended.
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Seriously, I need to be told what to say, think and do because I absolutely have no self control and would feel so much better if I didn't have to think for myself. You know, I would probably be so much better off if people would just take control of the internet and keep me from typing. It would make the whole internet so much safer and less offensive if I was kept off the internet along with adult entertainment sites (I can't say pr0n because the net nannies already censor that word).
You know the only thing that anyone should see on the internet are Islamic extremist websites. Those we have to protect at all costs as part of our First Amendment, which, you know, only applies to people threatening to kill the very people who instituted the internet AND free speech. Anyone who objects is a Nazi!
I especially look forward to people telling me what I can eat, drink, smoke or otherwise do with my body short of aborting children because then my body is my own. I don't understand why people don't understand the difference. You know, when I eat, drink or smoke whatever I want, I am damaging my health and becoming a drain on the system. By aborting an unwanted child, I am saving the system millions of dollars in public education, health care, behavioral modification (since I definitely don't want to be able to discipline my child and harsh words may result in terrible psychological damage, resulting in hours of therapy or long stays in the juvenile system) and probably reducing my chances of gaining weight due to pregnancy and, you know, becoming a drain on the system.
I am going to vote Democrat because free trade is for the birds. People make money off of the other people and some of those people don't make as much money. There ought to be a law! Particularly those evil oil companies. My gas costs have gone up by 100% and someone needs to be punished! Screw drilling, the only drilling I want to see is into the head of the CEO of Chevron or Exxon Mobile. Chavez was right! We should nationalize our oil industry.
That way no private corporations can make money off of it and, if we do decide to do drilling in protected places, the government can just make a law or something that makes sure any drilling is accompanied by the appropriate genuflecting to Giaia and healing ceremonies for the earth's chakras. When it's all said and done, no matter how much drilling we do, my gasoline prices will keep getting higher at phenomenal rates so that I can feel Giaia's pain of being raped for natural resources and eventually be forced to ride my bicycle 30 miles to work each morning or, you know, stop working all together. It's better to be poor and living off of welfare than to hurt Giaia's feelings. Heck, I might even lose some weight, either way and, you know, stop being a drain on the system.
I am going to vote Democrat because I'm tired of war. I'm definitely tired of trying to fix Iraq. I mean, we shouldn't have been there in the first place and people should be left to determine their own destiny. You know, if they want to kill each other, it's not our problem. Unless, of course, it involves Burmese monks, starving Somalis, or people in Europe. Then we ought to go in with guns blazing. Rwanda? Not so much. That was too messy and would have involved a million dead people. That is just too many dead people to see on my TV screen juxtaposed with American troops. Someone might get the idea that we were involved or something and accuse us of war crimes like that terrible Abu Graihb or Haditha.
Not that anything has to happen, but, even the hint of an impression can be blown out of proportion by the media and politicians. Of course, it helped recruit more terrorists the six months it was the number one story on tv. Nothing wrong with that. It's really good for our souls and keeps the United States humble while we watch more of our troops die. Bush lied, people died! Or something. How's that line from "Oliver" go? Please, sir, may I have some more?
It's much better to keep our troops at home or on their bases where they can't hurt anyone or be hurt. They can just march around carrying empty guns and pretending to play army like they did when they were kids. Maybe we won't even let them have guns because that is so, you know, militant and might undermine our true mission of humanitarian relief and good will missions around the globe.
That's one of the reasons why I want us to withdraw from Iraq. There are too many dead people I had to hear about and see on my nightly news. You know, if we aren't there, we won't have to see it that much and we definitely won't have to care. Besides, then the Shia and Sunni extremists can turn their guns on each other. Maybe they'll be too busy to think about attacking America?
If they attack us, though, we'll track them down with our soon to be created international police force that will get warrants from the Hague and international criminal court. It might take decades to track down these terrorists and they might actually die of natural causes before we get them, but, at least, the world will know that we treat terrorists fairly and respect their grievances.
You know, maybe we'll even award Osama Bin Laden the Presidential Medal of Freedom for single handedly teaching us about the cruelty and sinfulness of our democratic, freedom loving life. He is so right, you know, freedom is over rated. Besides, bin Laden made Bushie look like a fool up there in Tora Bora. That was fan-freaking-tastic! I never liked that evil Bush anway. I mean, he kept calling people "evil". That is way gauche, even for an oil man from Texas. You know, that bin Laden taught us an important lesson about humility and how to recognize that backwards, murderous ideologies aren't really equal to ours, but so much more superior. It has to be, right? Because people are so willing to die for it. Most of them involuntarily at the hands of bin Laden and company, but it still proves that they have legitimate grievances, right?
I mean, what other ideology gives women the freedom to be subjugated and dressed in a veil? Besides, everyone knows that whole "male dominance" thing is the secret fantasy of women the world over and property rights never did anything for anyone but make them pay higher taxes. And, that's not right unless, you know, you make over $50,000 a year, filthy rich, stingy people. Still, you know, the best part was how bin Laden humilitated the United States and showed Bushie to be the total bumbler that he was. Every time I think about that I get a thrill running up my leg.
Finally, I am voting Democrat because I am almost absolutely positive that my television has been telling me to vote Democrat. Plus, all those cheering throngs chanting for Obama. I absolutely have to be part of the in crowd. Popularity is way better than hard work. Besides, I might get to see a rock concert by some mock Bolsheviks. Man, how often does that happen in one life time?
Yeah, I'm definitely voting Democrat this year.
