this stuff is golden
Written by: Staff Contribution
In a night marred with synthol, GH guts, and a void of talent and conditioning, the 2005 Arnold Classic ended not with a boom, but with a bust. Dexter Jackson,'The Little Choo-choo That Juiced', knocked off eternal runner-up Chris "0 and 6" Cormier to win amidst the lamest line-up since Titus and Kamali has their infamous oil-wrestling match at Miami's uber-gay Twist nightclub.
After the show, Cormier let loose with a barrage of insults upon reporters, competitors, mop boys, and everyone else lucky to be in the backstage Man-Oil Suite. "I'm done. Dex ain't got this. This was MY night. Arnold, you can kiss my ass. I WON'T be back." he shouted. Dexter entered the room and a scuffle ensued, broken up only by when Vic Martinez ruptured a bicep and a Haz-Mat team was brought in to clean up the oil.
It's Christmas in Columbus for Lee Priest and Gustavo "Lake Erie" Badell, Ironman Invitational champs who looked more like Kamali's fluffer boys than legitimate contenders. Speaking of the King, word is he received a "Dear John" letter from hottie wife Barbara, about a minute before she disappeared in a limo with none other than Jocelyn Peletier. Add that to his 11th place finish and I see no reason why Kamali isn't ready to call up Johnnie Jackson and accept his long-standing offer of dinner and McDonalds followed by a night of "recovery" with Chris Duffy.
In other news, Flex Wheeler's exhibition match was cancelled after he was reportedly attacked by Japanese ninja carjackers in the parking lot. After fighting them off and receiving another kidney to replace one damaged in the struggle, Flex found the Lord and repented for his lies. Then, he was attacked again in the mens room while attempting to urinate... this time by Man-Love expert Derek Anthony. More news as it comes in...
The 2nd Annual CRANIUM AWARDS were given out afterwards. Uprooting Jay Cutler for most massive mandible was none other than Chris Cormier. Word is he now has to tape a makeshift "popsicle stick" to his back to keep his spine straight. David Henry tried out for the job of popsicle stick... but he didn't have enough mass.
Paul Dillet: THE WORD from the After-party front... Bodybuilders and fitness sluts girls do know how to party! Despite the fact that these plastique women look like Skeletor with a snake in his thong, the men flocked to see these women shake their stuff. While none of the male competitors actually possess the sex drive or sperm cells requisiste to pleasure any of these women, Craig Titus was still on hand to do his best. THE WORD caught ol' Big Mouth in the VIP room of the SnakeByte Club getting a lapdance while his wife Kelly Ryan was in the restroom. But that's not the big news. The big news is, Kelly Ryan was in the Men's Room. Standing at a urinal. THE WORD don't be liking this shemale type. Speaking of Shemales, the Muscle mayhem crew was in the house as always.
Is it just me, or does Chad Nicholls' kidney collection grow every year? Vegas odds have had Dex 2 to 1 to win the show, and Cormier's kidneys a 10-to-1 favorite to win 'Most Dehydrated'. Teh Chad needs to learn that organs aren't something to be bought and sold... Speaking of bought and sold, the DEA didn't crack down on the athletes this year. Special Agent Williams, I hope you enjoyed the $2M gift house in Thailand. I'll get that 'DJ' monogram removed from the pool first thing next week...
