Let me try:
That Girl was so obviously an Obama operative who infiltrated the ranks of the College Republicans and created a web of lies to fool the local chapter members into going along with her plan.
The members of the College Republicans who were in on her plan and took her to Denny's for a big meal as she'd be in the police station all night - Also Obama shills.
The people in Mcain's campaign who received the pics from the College Republicans, then fwd'd them to Drudge before the police report was even filed - They're in bed with Obama.
The Drudge Report, which ran the story without any hard evidence, verification, or even a police report, is run by Matt Drudge.
My cousin told me that Matt Drudge secretly went to a madrassa with Barack Obama until he was 12 years old. Together, they planned this entire Pittsburgh mutiliation scheme while reading the Koran and masturbating on burning American flags.
So yes... The secret Muslim Matt Drudge and a vast left-wing conspiracy created this story to undermine John McCain, who is currently leading polls by 30 points, except we don't read about it, because Gallup, Zogby, and all the others are also led by a team of men who also attended that madrassa. But that's another story...