Palin Pleads Fifth, Refuses To Answer Debate Questions
ST. LOUIS (CAP) - Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin confounded pundits and further infuriated reporters today when the Alaska governor announced she would not be answering any questions during Thursday night's debate with Democratic nominee Joe Biden.
According to Palin campaign sources, who spoke on the condition no one in the media directly ask Palin anything, the GOP eye candy made the decision to "suspend her campaign that night" for two reasons: 1) She wanted to show soliditarity with presidential nominee John McCain, who pretended to threaten to not attend last week's debate in Mississippi out of respect for the tanking economy and 2) She is really "kinda freakin' out right now" about having to answer questions from anyone.
"She felt Katie Couric really roughed her up in the CBS interview," said Palin's press secretary/traveling au pair. "And if Katie Couric is roughing you up, it doesn't bode well for your ability to deal with, you know, tough questions from real journalists."
Asked what she will do for 90 minutes on stage with the Delaware senator Thursday, the high-priced babysitter said: "Well, she's going to get all dressed up for it, because that will be fun. She is thinking of wearing that little above-the-knee number the Pakistani president was so impressed with last week.
"Then she will respond to any questions directed toward her by reading select passages from her acceptance speech during the Republican National Convention. She felt that was a great example to the American public of what kind of person she really is - even though she didn't actually write any of it."
Palin's most recent seculsion has reporedly been due to intense debate prep/memorization sessions, and CAP News was able to get an exculsive transcript of one of her practice runs:
Moderator: Gov. Palin, how does the proximity of your house and the Russian shore really have anything to do with your ability to deal with international affairs?
Palin: I just want to say 'Thanks, but no thanks' for the opportunity to answer that question.
Moderator: OK, so Gov. Palin, what about Troopergate? I thought you and your administration had planned to cooperate.
Palin: I told my husband - His Royal First Dudeness (remember to pause for laughter) - to tell that legislature: 'Thanks, but no thanks' to that subpoena to testify.
Moderator: They don't generally work that way. Anyway, Gov. Palin, a lot has been made of your daughter's pregnancy. If you are against any type of sex education in schools, how did you try to prepare your daughters for their teenage years?
Palin: I told them to always say 'Thanks, but no thanks' whenever some sweet-talking redneck hockey player tries to put his slap shot through your five-hole.
Moderator: But, Gov. Palin, surely you can see how that didn't exactly work either.
Palin: Once again, I will say 'Thanks, but no thanks...'
Moderator: OK, Gov. Palin, I think we understand where you are coming from here.
A perplexed Biden responded to the Palin plans with a hearty laugh and a run of his fingers through his hair extensions, offering: "Maybe you guys will have better luck getting her to answer a few questions the second week of November. From the latest polls, she might have a little extra time on her hands by around then."
