The lab work is in (not that I needed it). If you ever need to drop some weight, just contract the Giardia parasite, like I did about two weeks ago. Yes, I ate poop. Deer, bear, panther... I don't know for sure, but it came from river water, most likely.
I knew I was in trouble after the 14th trip to the toilet with explosive butt-water. I knew there was treachery afoot, when it looked like I was using a car wash mitten to wipe my ass.
Moral of the story? Don't eat poo.