Geting married..Dumbest thing a man can do?

[brooklynbruiser]

Don't attempt to figure her out. You gave her yourself and she chose to reject it for a "bigger, better deal".

Let her go and be cold. Don't converse with her, but be civil. She will attempt to manipulate your feelings by recalling good times. Do NOT take her back. Do NOT falter. It will let her believe it's okay to crap on you. There are better women out there for you when you are ready.

Sorry I'm so blunt.

[Relentless]

fuck that is the worst thing about chicks, always expecting guys to be mind readers

they don't speak about their problems until they reach the point of no return

E

There's a great book out there titled, "Women's Infidelity." It's a MUST READ for all men.  Even if you are in a healthy relationship, you should read this book.  There are definite signs women give men, but we are looking for literal, obvious signs.  Women dont think like us!  Here are some stats for you guys:

- 75% of divorces are perpetuated by women
- When a man suspects a woman of cheating, he is right 50% of the time
- When a woman suspects a man of cheating, she is right 85% of the time

What does this mean?  Women aren't as commitment oriented as men.  Women are not only better at discovering cheating, they are much better at covering it up!

[Relentless]

Don't attempt to figure her out. You gave her yourself and she chose to reject it for a "bigger, better deal".

Let her go and be cold. Don't converse with her, but be civil. She will attempt to manipulate your feelings by recalling good times. Do NOT take her back. Do NOT falter. It will let her believe it's okay to crap on you. There are better women out there for you when you are ready.

Sorry I'm so blunt.

You're exactly right.  It doesn't matter at this point.  She will always be a "high-risk" girl at this point onward.  How could I ever trust her again?  How could I ever believe what she says again?  Why wouldn't she do the exact same thing in the future?

As much as I love her, I can't let her back in.  I'm a romantic at heart, but someone that truly loves you would never do this.  I would NEVER do this to her.  EVER. 

Yes, I can and will do better in the future.  I've learned much from this whole ordeal and am taking steps to improve my life.  I'm actually writing a short book about men going through divorce, as men aren't equipped to handle divorce as well as women. 

[Butterbean]

Relentless, I'm very sorry you are going through this.

The following stood out for me:

 She doesn't believe in therapy...as she thinks people are incapable of real, lasting changes.  

If she believes that, then somewhere inside she must believe it about herself.  And if she is not capable of real lasting changes, will she always be a cheat (though I don't think you said it directly I inferred that she cheated)?

 

[Relentless]

Relentless, I'm very sorry you are going through this.

The following stood out for me:

If she believes that, then somewhere inside she must believe it about herself.  And if she is not capable of real lasting changes, will she always be a cheat (though I don't think you said it directly I inferred that she cheated)?

 

Thank you, STella.  I don't know if she cheated or not, at least, physically.  At the least, she cheated emotionally, at the worst, she cheated physically and emotionally.

I agree with your statement above - the reason why she wants out more than anything else (at least I feel) is that she knows she can't continue repressing herself from doing what she really wants to do.  She's a very conflicted person.  She lacks resolve and emotional muscle.  I overlooked these traits in the past because I loved her.  In retrospect, this is probably all for the best.  I can't tell you how many people who know the both of us have told me that I will end up being much better off.

The biggest character witness for me has been her father.  He's a grizzled ex-cop who has been nothing but supportive of me throughout this entire ordeal.  He actually told me the following:

- I will get married and find happiness with someone else.
- I deserve to be happy.
- I am a good person.
- I am built for marriage.
- I handled myself like a gentleman throughout this entire thing.
- His daughter is a quitter.
- His daughter's reasons for wanting out of the marriage are "bullshit."
- He is embarrassed to talk about the divorce amongst friends and family, because his daughter is the instigator.  

If I was a prick, her dad would be all over me like white on rice.  The fact he believes I'm actually going to prosper and be happy is a nice endorsement.  

[Butterbean]

Oh and yes, some women do kind of wish/think that men should be "mind readers" for lack of a better term...but eventually they realize that it is best to communicate and sometimes actually practically spell stuff out about their feelings if you really want him to know.  

I'm not sure how long a female needs to be in a relationship or how old she needs to get before she realizes that men are not mind readers and also that it's unfair for anyone to expect anyone else to be able to "read their mind" .... things work out much better w/good communication.

[Relentless]

The top two questions that will go through a man's mind when his woman leaves:

- Will she come back?
- Will she regret it?

Once you don't give a shit about either one of these two questions, the answers will reveal themselves shortly thereafter.  It sucks, but that's how it works.  The less you give a shit, the better off you are.  Believe me, it won't happen overnight...not if you truly loved her, anyway.

I'm not quite at this point yet...but I'm getting there. 

[Butterbean]

Thank you, STella.  I don't know if she cheated or not, at least, physically.  At the least, she cheated emotionally, at the worst, she cheated physically and emotionally.

I agree with your statement above - the reason why she wants out more than anything else (at least I feel) is that she knows she can't continue repressing herself from doing what she really wants to do.  She's a very conflicted person.  She lacks resolve and emotional muscle.  I overlooked these traits in the past because I loved her.  In retrospect, this is probably all for the best.  I can't tell you how many people who know the both of us have told me that I will end up being much better off.

The biggest character witness for me has been her father.  He's a grizzled ex-cop who has been nothing but supportive of me throughout this entire ordeal.  He actually told me the following:

- I will get married and find happiness with someone else.
- I deserve to be happy.
- I am a good person.
- I handled myself like a gentleman throughout this entire thing.
- His daughter is a quitter.
- His daughter's reasons for wanting out of the marriage are "bullshit."
- He is embarrassed to talk about the divorce amongst friends and family, because his daughter is the instigator. 

If I was a prick, her dad would be all over me like white on rice.  The fact he believes I'm actually going to prosper and be happy is a nice endorsement. 

Yes.   It does seem still love her and I'm sure this is terribly painful.  But just from reading this little bit of info I can agree w/the father's statements that you will find happiness and you seem like a good person ...  I think you are going to find a woman that can really appreciate what you have to give and your ex unfortunately is going to have regrets.   This time is horrible but there is happiness in the future for you!!

[Relentless]

Yes.   It does seem still love her and I'm sure this is terribly painful.  But just from reading this little bit of info I can agree w/the father's statements that you will find happiness and you seem like a good person ...  I think you are going to find a woman that can really appreciate what you have to give and your ex unfortunately is going to have regrets.   This time is horrible but there is happiness in the future for you!!

Thank you for the kind words.  This situation is certainly humbling and has forced me to look deep inside myself for answers, because there's little chance of finding them from her.  I've had to develop my own closure.  It's no easy task.

As tough as this is, I have not given up on love.  I have not given up on the concept of a happy marriage.  Marriage was not the problem, WE were the problem.  All I can do now is move forward with my life and become a better person. 

[Butterbean]

The top two questions that will go through a man's mind when his woman leaves:

- Will she come back?
- Will she regret it?

Once you don't give a shit about either one of these two questions, the answers will reveal themselves shortly thereafter.  It sucks, but that's how it works.  The less you give a shit, the better off you are.  Believe me, it won't happen overnight...not if you truly loved her, anyway.

I'm not quite at this point yet...but I'm getting there.  

It seems to me she will def. regret it.  It's hard to tell what she wants, or what she thinks she wants, but I think she will realize in time that what she really wants, she had - and she screwed up.

 Marriage was not the problem, WE were the problem.  

You are very gracious. ..most would say SHE was the problem.

Thank you for the kind words.  This situation is certainly humbling and has forced me to look deep inside myself for answers, because there's little chance of finding them from her.  I've had to develop my own closure.  It's no easy task.

As tough as this is, I have not given up on love.  I have not given up on the concept of a happy marriage.   All I can do now is move forward with my life and become a better person.  

You have a very good and healthy attitude about this!  Althought it would be great your ex came to her senses soon....the woman of your future is blessed!  

[Relentless]

It seems to me she will def. regret it.  It's hard to tell what she wants, or what she thinks she wants, but I think she will realize in time that what she really wants, she had - and she screwed up.
She actually admitted to me that she didnt know what she wants, but she does want to get a divorce.  She's throwing away a a good man and a good life because she doesn't want to WORK on the relationship.  In her mind's eye, she has given it a fair chance and it hasn't made her happy enough.  I find it amazing that she blames the "relationship" as an entity, but refuses to look at herself as part of the problem.  Once the dust has settled and there's nothing more to communicate about regarding legal and financial matters, I won't be reaching out to her again.  The day she comes to regret it is probably the day I will be long gone.  I dont see how you can rebuild a life after having gone through something like this.  How could I ever look at her in the same light? 

You are very gracious. ..most would say SHE was the problem.
Thank you. I was not a perfect husband and will readily admit my faults.  However, the sum of the parts (as in me) was a good person who loved and respected her.  I'm not sure what kind of quality guy she is going to find, being a 25 yr old divorce', but a rude awakening might be awaiting her.  The kind of guys that will latch on to her are guys that probably just want to get laid and see a ripe opportunity.  I hope she is able to avoid this, but she's a naive person.

You have a very good and healthy attitude about this!  Althought it would be great your exxxx came to her senses soon....the woman of your future is blessed!  
I'm bullish on the future!