Author Topic: Today's Funnies (Read 17238 times)

tons, but the biggest was losing some one very dear to me, becuase I am an idiot. Needles to say, I haven't found anything funny or pleasurable since i found something out.

Original Sin · « **Reply #31 on:** March 23, 2009, 07:01:15 PM »

Quote from: Migs on March 23, 2009, 06:38:52 PM

tons, but the biggest was losing some one very dear to me, becuase I am an idiot. Needles to say, I haven't found anything funny or pleasurable since i found something out.

My advice to you dear is not to look turn the clocks back but embrace the future as an old enemy and challenge it and win!
What little I have seen of you on here I would be proud to call you friend.

A quote I heard somewhere (I can't remember)
In this Galaxy there is a thousand planets like earth and in the universe a million times that
and in all that there is only one of any of us.
Don't destroy the one named Migs.

Migs · « **Reply #32 on:** March 23, 2009, 07:14:45 PM »

Quote from: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 07:01:15 PM

My advice to you dear is not to look turn the clocks back but embrace the future as an old enemy and challenge it and win!
What little I have seen of you on here I would be proud to call you friend.

A quote I heard somewhere (I can't remember)
In this Galaxy there is a thousand planets like earth and in the universe a million times that
and in all that there is only one of any of us.
Don't destroy the one named Migs.

the problem with that is that the future i want is seeded in the past. Not much I have to look forward to in the future. Thank you for the friend comment.
the part of me that hoped is gone. Now it's muddle through the day and expect nothing from myself.

Original Sin · « **Reply #33 on:** March 23, 2009, 07:34:40 PM »

Quote from: Migs on March 23, 2009, 07:14:45 PM

the problem with that is that the future i want is seeded in the past. Not much I have to look forward to in the future. Thank you for the friend comment.
the part of me that hoped is gone. Now it's muddle through the day and expect nothing from myself.

I understand all to clearly my sweet. Take my advice as I have had far too many broken hearts in one life time.
Time truly does heal all wounds. I know your are intelligent enough too know all of this so please forgive me as I don't wish to come off as superficial
but what I have seen of you is worthy of far greater things than I. There is a time for dark thoughts and they are needed and have their purpose
but try to find what made you, YOU - before her. Find what interests intrigued you back then and use then as true passions today.

I know my words sound hollow and pain is true and real and I really wish I could do more, but you hold the answers and they will become clearer and more pleasant. Challenge the future! Take those obstacles that we all have and destroy them. Focus on that and eventually the past will be seen as your gateway to a better future.

Trust me, I have lived this, several times, and a million tears.

Migs · « **Reply #34 on:** March 23, 2009, 07:52:19 PM »

Quote from: Original Sin on March 23, 2009, 07:34:40 PM

I understand all to clearly my sweet. Take my advice as I have had far too many broken hearts in one life time.
Time truly does heal all wounds. I know your are intelligent enough too know all of this so please forgive me as I don't wish to come off as superficial
but what I have seen of you is worthy of far greater things than I. There is a time for dark thoughts and they are needed and have their purpose
but try to find what made you, YOU - before her. Find what interests intrigued you back then and use then as true passions today.

I know my words sound hollow and pain is true and real and I really wish I could do more, but you hold the answers and they will become clearer and more pleasant. Challenge the future! Take those obstacles that we all have and destroy them. Focus on that and eventually the past will be seen as your gateway to a better future.

Trust me, I have lived this, several times, and a million tears.

I'm not worthy of much greater things than anyone else. I've come to realize that no matter if you try to be a good person and help others, or love some one deeply, it boils down to 2 basic things. Some people are born to be winners and happy, and some people are born to lose and hurt. I am not the winning type. Over the last 6 months i've lost my job, lost my savings, lost money in my investments (all these I can live with and could care less), lost the woman I love (this is the one that hurts the most and don't want to live with). as far as shedding millions of tears, I shed over the last few days, to the point my eyes are sore, voice cracks when i speak and go through bouts of agonizing pain and the feeling of not being able to breathe. I'm sure others have felt this and moved on. I lost my "one." I have myself to blame. I thank you for your words, they aren't hollow.

Original Sin · « **Reply #35 on:** March 23, 2009, 07:58:30 PM »

I have no other words to offer that will help what you feel and I am sorry for that.

I only see such a tiny portion of you from Getbig and I like all that I have seen.
The entire picture must be a masterpiece!

Just know this...

I truly care!

Migs · « **Reply #36 on:** March 23, 2009, 08:04:24 PM »

thank you, and if by masterpeice you mean something from the rubenesque period, then yeah i'm a fatty. seld deprication comes easily. any way, i think i hijacked my own funnies thread by talking about everything else.

Original Sin · « **Reply #37 on:** March 23, 2009, 08:21:06 PM »

Just to get us back on topic...

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ _________

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Original Sin · « **Reply #38 on:** March 25, 2009, 07:38:47 AM »

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

Hustle Man · « **Reply #39 on:** April 01, 2009, 07:54:30 AM »

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few
seconds, then it comes crashing back to earth. He tries this a few
more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering
to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens
the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up
your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Original Sin · « **Reply #40 on:** April 02, 2009, 02:15:08 PM »

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

Hustle Man · « **Reply #41 on:** April 09, 2009, 08:55:07 AM »

Funny!

SamoanIrishman · « **Reply #42 on:** April 09, 2009, 09:26:47 AM »

Quote from: Migs on March 18, 2009, 08:19:37 PM

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

I think I might have to do the alarm clock one..it would be childish but amusing

When I go to pick up my new handgun at a local sporting goods store...I'm gonna ask a form of this question to the clerk...just to see if she catches on.

I wasn't voted class clown for nothing.

24KT · « **Reply #43 on:** April 09, 2009, 12:25:09 PM »

Quote from: SamoanIrishman on April 09, 2009, 09:26:47 AM

I think I might have to do the alarm clock one..it would be childish but amusing

You gotta do it! It is sooooo childish, ...but you'll get such a kick out it,
...especially if someone happens to be walking by. Watching them jump 6 feet in the air always cracks me up.

Quote

When I go to pick up my new handgun at a local sporting goods store...I'm gonna ask a form of this question to the clerk...just to see if she catches on.

Quote