he hasn't gotten laid in 5 1/2 years, that's not likely to change anytime soon with the current antisemitic climate in the world, plus he's like 27% body fat.
Dude, where are you getting this crap from? 

 I haven't had a long term relationship in a long time but have hardly abstained from sex. 
I am not 27%bf, mid-low twenties. Are you trying to iniate some hostility against me?