OSU Admissions Officer to recruited player:
"Let's see...Ohio Graduation test scores are excellent...GPA is perfect....plenty of volunteer work in the community with the Boys Club and St. Jude's Children's Hospital. But....I don't see any history of criminal behavior. Couldn't you just knock over a lemonade stand or crush up Flintstone Kids chewable vitamins and sell them to a friend as crystal meth? We need something. Oh, and by the way you will need a 3 piece suit for any court dates and practice standing up whenever you hear someone say 'Will the defendent please rise'. Don't worry if you don't get it right away...OSU professors end all their classes by saying that so you get used to it. So remember, sell children or steal some beer, whatever...get caught...and you are on your way to acceptance at OSU!"
