Sex, Lies, and Muscle
In the World of Bodybuilding and Fitness
by Rash Riprock
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The following article is a screamer. To be honest, we debated about whether or not we should print it. After all, it's about the smarmy, sometimes deviant sex lives of bodybuilders. We have no proof of any of the allegations and besides, the article sure isn't going to help anyone put on any muscle. How, then, could we justify running this article?
In the end, we decided that it was simply fun to read, and that alone was justification enough. See if you agree with us:
It used to be that our heroes were truly above mere mortals. People like presidents, movie stars, and singers were revered, worshipped, and put on pedestals. They were somehow better, more moral than the rest of us. If it weren't for the fact that they bore children, we would never have imagined that these famous folk even had sex. Sex lives were far too personal a subject for the media to ever address. Well, times sure have changed. Zippergate has proven that the demand to know about Bill Clinton's fellatio antics with chubby intern Monica Lewinsky is powerful enough to dominate newspaper headlines and news broadcasts for an entire summer so far. Tabloid newspapers and TV shows gleefully report on celebrities cheating on spouses, shtupping the babysitter, even dressing up in women's panties and biting lovers on the back. Yup, it's 1998 and we greedily lap up every morsel of information on the sexual quirks, improprieties, and assorted carnal desires of our icons. I say it's time us beefheads got in on the gossip action. Many of the heroes you see in the pages of Flex, Musclemag, etc, have sex lives every bit as depraved and fascinating as any president or Hollywood star. Though the names have been changed to protect these pillars of the physique world, those of you who closely follow the "underside" of bodybuilding and fitness will recognize the parties described. Here you go, curious readers?some of the steamiest (and in some cases, seediest) characters from our own world of bodybuilding and fitness!
Lunk Mullethead
Fans of unadulterated size have been a fan of this big dolt for six years now. A former North American champion, his resemblance to Frankenstein's monster is truly striking. In fact, all he would need at Halloween to complete the costume would be some fake glue-on bolts for his neck. To compliment his repugnant countenance, he's got snaggly teeth, wheezes and sputters like an 80-year-old asthmatic, and reeks of a funky body odor that brings to mind a rank monkey cage at the zoo. A real prize for any woman, right? You would think all of this would be enough to drive away the fairer sex, but the fact is, one woman was so in love with him that upon finding out her best friend was sleeping with the big lug, she committed suicide. His cheating heart didn't stop after this brutal wake-up call, of course. He ended up marrying the best friend, while continuing to philander with the unbridled lust of a stud bull hopped up on gallons of anabolics. For a long time, he maintained a long-distance affair with a fitness champion from France, seeing her whenever guest-posings, the Grand Prix tour, or the FIBO convention brought him to Europe. His undoing turned out to be taking an American mistress who he moved from the East Coast to an apartment in Los Angeles so he could have frequent access to the forbidden poontang. Lunk's wife discovered evidence of the kept woman and the love nest, and secretly cleaned out the joint checking and savings accounts. Lunk had recently opened a personal training gym, and without the money to make lease and equipment payments, he subsequently lost it all. Lunk Mullethead learned that the adage is indeed true?Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Smooth Sexmachine
This 260-pound former USA champion was made infamous due to his near-murder by choking of his live-in girlfriend, a 100-pound fitness model/nymphomaniac who has slept with nearly every black bodybuilder in Southern California. What would shock his fans even more is his voracious sexual appetite. Wilt Chamberlain has nothing on Smooth. At every contest he attends or competes in, he hooks up with one or more new conquests whom he often shares with his fellow pro bodybuilding buddies in a gang bang. But contests provide him with just a fraction of his sex partners. Smooth Sexmachine is a frequent sight at L.A.'s raunchiest S & M and bondage nightclubs, places with names like Rubber, Sin-O-Rama, and Naked Hollywood. There, wearing painted-on lycra shirts and leather pants, he finds a cornucopia of willing young women to take home and treat to a night of rough sex. All well and good, just consensual sex between mature adults, right? True, but the kicker is that in this AIDS-ridden society, Mr. Smooth refuses to wear a condom. Have your fun, but if you get in bed with the Devil, sooner or later you're gonna get fucked.
Stumpy McGee
At first, Stumpy seemed like an old-fashioned guy with family values. Not long after immigrating to America, this vertically-challenged powerhouse became engaged to one of the top fitness women at the time. Then, when the engagement was broken off, he told anyone who would listen how sick and sluttish she was, preferring anal sex not only with his member, but with the largest objects she could cram up in the hole that's meant for exit only. Allegedly she was admitted to the hospital more than once for colon injuries related to her fetish. How embarrassing for him when they got back together and the engagement was back on. Of course, they broke up again and the trash-talking resumed. This time he offered an explanation for her deviation: the girl's mother was a lesbian. Humiliated by the bodybuilding and fitness industry's knowledge of her most personal secrets, she moved out of state, vanished from the scene, and got fat. Soon after, Stumpy met and married an ex-bodybuilder. So devoted was this sweet young woman that she was his biggest fan and public-relations person, assuring all that McGee was underrated and overlooked, and that his physique would soon earn him the Mr. Olympia title. How did Stumpy repay her loyalty? By cheating on her flagrantly. The coldest moment came when she was tearfully packing her things to leave at last. Stumpy allegedly said, "This is too depressing. Me and my new gal are gonna go catch a movie. Have a nice life."
Nelly Nympho
She's been a champion in two fitness organizations, but bodybuilding insiders know her for her notorious sexual appetite. Apparently, she likes to proposition studly bodybuilders for nights of incredible sex as only a woman who can contort herself into pretzel shapes can offer. She's married, and her husband has no problem with this. Of course, that's because he gets off on being in the room and watching while some 'roided out stallion plays porno star with his oversexed spouse. To each his own, as they say. I don't think any of the selected meatheads who accepted this generous offer have complained yet.
Gary Gay For Pay
This cat turned pro as a middleweight, and had a heck of a time gaining the size he needed to compete successfully against the freakazoids of the IFBB. He solved this problem by moving for a year to a doctor's house on the East Coast to be his "personal trainer." Supposedly doc repaid him for sexual favors by providing all the bodybuilding drugs Gary could possibly want or need. He came back well over 200 pounds and did well for a time, but soon his recreational drug problems, which had plagued him since his teenage years, robbed him of his bodybuilding ambitions. He pops up now and then as one of the 30 guys to take the honored "16th place" at Night of the Champions.
Sterling Stallbanger
Most new fans to bodybuilding will probably never have heard of this big Brit, who competed briefly as a pro in the late 1980s and early 1990s. His achievements in bodybuilding aren't exactly noteworthy, but his status as a lady's man is legendary. In the London gym where he trains, Sterling is famous for his fast seduction techniques with female members, having intercourse within an hour of meeting most women. His classy location for his romantic rendezvous is always a certain stall in the men's locker room. Recently he announced his intention of competing in the Master's Olympia. If he does, maybe he can pass on some pointers to the other older guys so they too can save a fortune on Viagra.
Dirk Prettyboy
Many bodybuilders are jealous of tall, dark, and handsome Dirk because he's making a great living with a contract from a major supplement company, despite never having won a major contest. His sculpted face has been on dozens of covers in the past two years, usually with some gorgeous piece of ass wrapped around him like a cheap suit. If people knew how successful he was with women, their jealousy might turn up a few notches to obsessive, hateful envy. Dirk was engaged to a woman who wasn't quite as hot as the fitness women he was used to, but whose family fortunes more than made up for it. During his engagement to her, he used every out-of-town opportunity (representing his supplement company at contests, conventions, and trade shows) to rack up the young, nubile female conquests. At one women's fitness contest in 1997 where he served as a judge, I personally witnessed him that same night making out with the winner on a sofa at a dance club, then leaving for a night of animalistic sex. Dirk recently found a woman with more money than his fianc?, dumped the fianc?, and is now engaged to the wealthier girl. Some think Dirk is just a big, dumb pretty boy, but I think they underestimate his crafty ambitions and manipulative strategies tremendously.
Scoop Scagnetti
Scoop is a bodybuilding writer/NPC judge/celebrity trainer and nutritionist who has written bitterly of his psychological addiction to steroids while he was off following a shoulder surgery, then went right back on the drugs a few weeks later. He left his wife for an exotic fitness model and ESPN starlet who he was training at the time. All seemed well for a while, as these two soon married and his training consultation company in Los Angeles did booming business. About nine months after their marriage (his third), she began to suspect that Scoop was more than a trainer to one of his newest clients, a stunning blonde fitness model twenty years his junior. Her suspicions were confirmed, and shortly after she moved out she spotted the young vixen sporting the same expensive diamond ring Scoop had given her just months before, which had mysteriously disappeared from her things just before she had moved out. Scoop had passed off her rock as a gift to the new girl! In chick mentality, where jewelry can often symbolize the most hallowed aspect of a relationship, this is a pretty low thing to do. But, the soon-to-be ex-wife barely had time to get to hate the new girl, as she too was soon dumped and replaced by Scoop's newest client, a former Playboy Playmate and actress. It's been two years since, and Scoop has continued his time-honored tradition of sleeping with as many of his beautiful female clients as possible.
The intent here has been neither to condemn nor condone the sexual and romantic habits of some of bodybuilding and fitness' most noteworthy personalities. None of us is without sin, and morality and ethics differ from person to person. In many cases, those who judge "sinners" most harshly are either secretly guilty themselves or fiendishly envious of said promiscuity. Our curiosity regarding the sexual activities of others is insatiable, which explains not only major media scandals like Zippergate, but even minor phenomena such as the emerging market dominance of home made and amateur videos in pornography. You've read how these men and women trained, ate, and conquered the physique world; now you also know what they do behind closed doors. The stars of bodybuilding and fitness are made of flesh, just like you and me. Their flesh might be more massively muscled, shapely, and striated, but in the end it's still flesh?and the flesh is weak.
