Things you have to believe to be a Republican today, 333367, Joe Loco, kazan, et al
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for
your recovery.
* The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
* Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but
crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
* "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving
their jobs to India.
* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.
* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.
* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
* Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.
* HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at
heart.
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.
* Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a
bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands
die is solid defense policy.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.
* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
* You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to
adopt.
* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
More...
1. A balanced budget amendment is necessary to curb spending when we have a
Democratic president, but when Republicans control the White House and
Congress, they should spend money like a drunken sailor, repeatedly cut
taxes, and run up the largest budget deficits in history.
2. Bipartisanship is a good thing unless the Republicans control the White
House and Congress, in which case the Democrats are useless appendages who
need not and should not be consulted on anything.
3. It is sleazy and disgusting for the Democrats to try to derive any
political benefit from September 11 (for example, by suggesting that maybe
it wouldn't have happened if Dubya had paid attention to the memos he
received, or hadn't taken that month-long vacation right before it), but
fine for Republicans to do so (for example, by selling a 9/11-related
picture of Bush, and scheduling their convention in New York City as close
to 9/11 as possible).
4. Democratic criticism of the Bush administration for lying us into the
war with Iraq, and for failing to provide for what would happen after we
deposed Saddam, is unpatriotic and exhibits a lack of support for our
troops. Opposing sending our troops to be killed and maimed in Iraq, or
trying to bring them home so that no more of them get killed and maimed,
shows lack of support for our troops. Republicans cutting pay and benefits
for troops, their survivors, and veterans does NOT constitute not
supporting our troops. Bush never going to a dead soldier's funeral does
NOT constitute not supporting our troops.
5. Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks, but the 9/11
attacks required us to depose him.
6. Fifteen of the nineteen September 11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia.
None were from Iraq. It was therefore imperative that we go to war with
Iraq. Saudi Arabia is our friend.
7. Osama bin Laden was behind the September 11 attacks. Therefore we had to
send his siblings, and other rich Saudi Arabians, home immediately after
September 11 without questioning them. By the same token, John Ashcroft had
to round up all the Muslim cabdrivers and convenience store employees in
the land and hold them incommunicado for months without bringing charges
against them.
8. It makes sense for George W. Bush to announce shortly after September
11, 2001 that we will capture Osama bin Laden dead or alive, and then on
March 13, 2002 to announce that we don't know where he is and don't really
care. Since we knew where Saddam Hussein is, it was appropriate for us to
capture him dead or alive instead. Or not. Whatever.
9. It is fine for Republicans to stop 60 of President Clinton's judicial
nominees from ever receiving a vote in the Senate. If the Democrats prevent
4 or 5 of Bush's judicial nominees from receiving a vote, that is utterly
unacceptable, indeed unconstitutional.
10. If President Clinton engages in military action against Osama bin Laden
while the Monica Lewinsky scandal is unfolding, that's obviously a "Wag the
Dog" tactic and Republicans should call him on it. If Democrats question
Bush's war with Iraq in any way, that borders on treason and cannot be
tolerated.
11. It is fine for Republicans to hurl accusations of horrible crimes,
including mass murder, at a Democratic president. It's a free country. But
if a singer says that she's ashamed that the Republican president is from
her state, that borders on treason and cannot be tolerated.
12. As Governor Bush said during the 2000 campaign, we should not get into
a war unless we have a clear objective and a clear exit strategy.
Nation-building is bad. But if the war is in Iraq, disregard all of the
above.
13. Clinton war in Kosovo resulting in 0 American deaths -- BAD. Bush war
in Iraq resulting in 2,500+ deaths so far -- GOOD.
