From the highlight reel:
Im not going to the gym today, I feel upset, naseous, angry, and a profound sense of loss.
I cant workout with those emotions, and I feel the fun is gone.
Maybe I should quit.
I dont know if I should continue bodybuilding or not. I feel like I have no support from the community, nor my parents, nor my program, nor anyone.
I feel the small spark inside me, instead of being fanned, is being smothered: by actions of mine and of others.
I feel like, no I AM, complete and utter shit.
It's just that I feel like the only person I can trust in the fucking world now is me, and the rest of the world are backstabbing fuckers who will be your friend, but when the mob comes acalling they sharpen their knives.
Right now I want the world to know that the dream of Daniel Kalban to be a bodybuilder is in fucking critical condition, murdered by supposed friends.
The hurt is there, still a dull ache. Like some people stabbed me in the kidney region and stampeded over my head (which is how im feeling now)
I know its gonna take a while to mend fences, but I'll do ANYTHING to mend them.
I still feel like a person chased out of a town and is forced to wander the desert, with no companionship.
The feeling of lonliness has turned into red hot rage.
On this, the Day of Atonement in my faith, I atone for my sin of breaking a friend's trust, for being an asshole, for hijacking Ron's thread, and more. They were choices, bad ones, and I admit I made them and must make things right someday.
BUT
You guys had a choice too. You could have been the one small voice of reason that said "Uh guys, enough. I think we've hounded him enough!" But no, you had to join the fucking mob, a mob of which I agree Im the cause, but for supposed friends you really bite the big one.
A complete stranger was the only one who stood up for me in all the shouts and what not, not a friend, those "friends" decided to unleash all their righteous anger on me.
So fucking join the mob, beat me until Im dead, Im still gonna workout, eat right, get big and ripped, and not let you guys bring me down with your shouts.
I admit Im the fucking cause, but instead of making a peaceable solution, YOU only exercebated the problem.
I was in a fucking catatonic state yesterday afternoon b/c of all the fucking betrayals I caused, and the fact no small voice, until it was too late, gave me a note of compassion.
You guys made me so fucking depressed about my deeds, and your reaction to them, I was in a fucking depressive state for FAR TOO FUCKING LONG! NO MORE!
I understand the consequences of my actions, do you know the consequences of yours?
Alright, Ive held my tongue long enough. I got something to say to the people NOT ignoring me to the people who ARE:
Look, I know youre angry, and justly so. But with all your constant quoting me, talking about me, gossiping about me, there is one thing Ive started to notice. It may inflame your anger more, but I just got to say it.
YOU GUYS ARE ACTING LIKE LITTLE FUCKING KIDS!
Look, you guys are in your 20s, 30s, 40s; yet you still solve your problems by bashing people in the Pit, where you cannot be touched, by gossiping about them, smearing their name, and finally pressing the ignore button. It reminds me of little kids just playing the "ignore game" when the social pariah comes to ask a question. I can only imagine after snack time youre gonna wedgie me in front of the big kids.
We are supposed to be adults, yet between my bitching and your childish behavior, have we acted as such? Nope, and I feel bad about that, yet you guys are acting like the damn popular kids who wont eat with me because Im an outcast, a status YOU created, though my actions were a major defining factor.
Dont expect another post from me except for a back workout report today, and maybe one or two later on.
Maybe afterwards, we'll have naptime, storytime, and wait for our fucking parents to come pick us up.
I feel so fucking angry, i feel like im in fucking high school again.
I know its 100% my fault, but I feel abandoned, closed off, friendless, etc. Im being told not to post in places, like being exiled from a nation for being an "undesirable". As I said its 100% my fault this is happening to me, but psychologically i feel incredibly betrayed.
I feel like the time my so called friends and i were to go to dinner, and they fucking 'forgot' I was coming and took off without me when I was on the toilet! I swear they were making fun of me as they walked to the resturant, and I sat on a bench, alone, weeping.
