The Joke Thread - Old, New and Cool Jokes

[Andy Griffin]

A blonde walks into a dry cleaning establishment.  She hands over a blouse and says, "I need this lightly starched by tomorrow, please."

The dry cleaner, old and hard of hearing, says, "Come again?"

She replies, "No.  Yogurt."  

[Lundgren]

So these four women with their kids goto see a child shrink. So they go through six weeks of sessions, at the goodrum health clinic. Anyhow at the end the Doc says. To the first women. Lady I know what you and your childs problem is, you obessed with food, you even named your child, Candy.

He goes to the second group and says your problems simple, you are too obsessed with money. You even name your kid mercedes.

The doc, goes to the third. He tells them, that the problem is simple you people are so obessed with God. You even named your daughter Christian.

Before the doc has a chance to goto the fourth, The mother gets up abruptly, and says come on Dick lets go.

[heavyNbasic]

 

[tommywishbone]

Q: Why are Asprin white?

A: You want them to work don't you.

[#1 Klaus fan]

Black man was walking around with a frog on his head. He got asked why he had a frog on his head, and the frog replied: "it started from hemorroids".

[wes]

Q: What do you call a truck full of dildos?

A: "Toys For Twats"

[The Ugly]

Man rushes into the ER, doctor stops him at the door.

"Sir, I'm afraid I have bad news. Your wife's been in a terrible accident. We're doing all we can, but it doesn't look good. She'll probably pull through, but you have to be prepared. Things will never be the same. Around-the-clock care, I'm afraid: feeding, bathing, bathroom ... can you handle this? She'll be a complete invalid."

"Oh, God," the man replies. "I ... I ..."

"Ok, ok," Doc says, "I'm just kidding. She's dead."

  

[delta9mda]

What do 100,000 battered women have in common?

They wont shut up!

[willl]

Black man was walking around with a frog on his head. He got asked why he had a frog on his head, and the frog replied: "it started from hemorroids".

whas his name Bay by any chance?

not condoning your post btw

[bearn8v]

Q-You know what mothballs smell like
A-yea
Q-How you get their lil legs open

[caseyviator]

hot woman are magical!!!!!! they can get wet without water,  they can bleed when not injured, they can produce milk with out eating grass and without touching it they can make boneless red meat  HARD AS A FUCKING ROCK!!!!!!

[Nirvana]

A jew a mexican and a black walk into a bar and the owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

[polychronopolous]

Fred was getting along in age and decided to go to the doctor for a check up. Due to years of using power tools in his shop he was deaf as a door nail so he had his wife accompany him.

“I will need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample for some tests," the doctor informed him.

“What's he saying?" he asked his wife.

“Says he wants your underwear for some tests."

[daddy8ball]

A Getbigger arrives home, screeches into the driveway, runs in the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”

The girlfriend says, “Oh my God!  No shit?!  What should I pack?  Beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The Getbigger yells back, “Pack whatever you want.  It doesn’t matter --- just get the fuck out!"  

[bearn8v]

A string walks into a bar. Bartender says "WE DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND IN HERE" and throws him out him out in the street. The string stands up ties his neck up and messes up his hair walks back into the bar and says "I'm a frayed knot"

[Stark]

A Getbigger arrives home, screeches into the driveway, runs in the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”

The girlfriend says, “Oh my God!  No shit?!  What should I pack?  Beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The Getbigger yells back, “Pack whatever you want.  It doesn’t matter --- just get the fuck out!"  

lolol great

[Bad News Brown]

What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 12.  

Scientists have crossed a male chicken with an onion and finally got a cock that brings tears to a womens eyes!

Jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick Jill's ass. jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, cause Jill's a pre-op tranny!!

Man stands naked lookin in mirror and says 2 wife...why do i always get a hard on when i look at myself Wife says ...cos ur a c u n t.

"PHARMACY NOTIFICATION". ...... as of January 2010 Viagra will only be available under its chemical name. Please ask your pharmacist for MYCOXAFLOPIN.

According to recent studies, blow jobs are the best breakfast as it comes with a sausage, 2 nuts and a protein shot. Stay healthy girls ... suck a dick

A woman goes on the antiques road show, she places a tampon on the table and said there u go you clever c u n t tell me what period that's from.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?..he was looking for Pooh!

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? hold on to your nuts, coz this is no ordinary blow job!!!!

If men had period's they would brag about the size of the tampon!!

Life is like oral sex... one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

 

[cyp200la]

lmao

[bigbadwolfe]

Religion?

Moses and Jesus are walking along the banks of the Red Sea
Jesus asks Moses if he thinks he could still part the Red Sea
Moses replies "Well of course" then raises his Staff and parts the Red Sea
Jesus says "Well done Moses"
Then Moses asks "Jesus do you think you can still walk on water?"
Jesus replies "Well of course, am I not the son of God?" and then proceeds to step onto the water
As Jesus steps onto the water he falls right into the Red Sea
Disturbed by this he climbs out and attempts it again and falls in again
after numerous attempts and the same results Moses is keeling over in laughter at a drenched Jesus Christ
Jesus ask "what are you laughing at?"
Moses replies "Maybe if you would get those holes fixed in your feet you could still do it"

[kiwiol]

What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 12.  

Scientists have crossed a male chicken with an onion and finally got a cock that brings tears to a womens eyes!

Jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick Jill's ass. jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, cause Jill's a pre-op tranny!!

Man stands naked lookin in mirror and says 2 wife...why do i always get a hard on when i look at myself Wife says ...cos ur a c u n t.

"PHARMACY NOTIFICATION". ...... as of January 2010 Viagra will only be available under its chemical name. Please ask your pharmacist for MYCOXAFLOPIN.

According to recent studies, blow jobs are the best breakfast as it comes with a sausage, 2 nuts and a protein shot. Stay healthy girls ... suck a dick

A woman goes on the antiques road show, she places a tampon on the table and said there u go you clever c u n t tell me what period that's from.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?..he was looking for Pooh!

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? hold on to your nuts, coz this is no ordinary blow job!!!!

If men had period's they would brag about the size of the tampon!!

Life is like oral sex... one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

 

Great stuff, lol

[Man of Steel]

Highly inappropriate but here goes:

A man is sitting alone in his small apartment watching a scary movie during a thunderstorm.
 
During the scariest scene of the movie the thunder cracks and the lightning strikes and the power goes out in his apartment.  

In the pitch black all the man can see is the faint glow of the tv.  

Without warning the tv suddenly lifts from its stand and begins floating across the room.  

After composing himself for a few seconds the man exclaims, "guy put down my tv!!"

[kiwiol]

Three snails, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. They pack a picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is a mile away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they do, Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener', 'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, he turns to Andy,'Did you bring the bottle opener'. Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck a mile from anywhere without a bottle opener. They both beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches when he's gone. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their snail lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts 'I knew it'......I'm not F***ing going'

[tommywishbone]

A jew a mexican and a black walk into a bar and the owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

[polychronopolous]

Highly inappropriate but here goes:

A man is sitting alone in his small apartment watching a scary movie during a thunderstorm.
 
During the scariest scene of the movie the thunder cracks and the lightning strikes and the power goes out in his apartment.  

In the pitch black all the man can see is the faint glow of the tv.  

Without warning the tv suddenly lifts from its stand and begins floating across the room.  

After composing himself for a few seconds the man exclaims, "guy put down my tv!!"

LOL!

An oldie but a goodie! 

[Bad News Brown]

Highly inappropriate but here goes:

A man is sitting alone in his small apartment watching a scary movie during a thunderstorm.
 
During the scariest scene of the movie the thunder cracks and the lightning strikes and the power goes out in his apartment.  

In the pitch black all the man can see is the faint glow of the tv.  

Without warning the tv suddenly lifts from its stand and begins floating across the room.  

After composing himself for a few seconds the man exclaims, "guy put down my tv!!"

lol