Tank Abbott (born William Bartholomew Adrian Athelstan IV) is the uncredited pioneer of the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and is considered to be the greatest MMA fighter to have ever graced this earth. He is an undefeated MMA fighter who has beaten countless legendary warriors such as Masahiko Kimura, Frank Mir, Andrei Arlovski, "Broke" Lesnar, Royce Gracie, Mike Tyson, Butterbean, and Scott "Lionheart" Blevins.
Died January of 1880 - later resurrected
Known for Exceptional grappling ability, agility, stamina, cardiovascular conditioning, and undefeated win streak. Also able to distinguish between simple shapes and certain colors.
Occupation: Undefeated MMA fighter, UFC champion
Children: 17 children, all from different women
Early Years
Certain people believe that Tank has been around since the beginning of time itself, and like the god of Christianity, needs no creator. Although several prehistoric cave drawings closely resembling what looks to be Tank Abbott holding wild animals in a headlock exist, the first verifiable historical account of Tank dates back to ancient Babylon, where he defeated Hammurabi in a game of grab-ass. This pissed him off so badly that he ordered Tank to leave immediately. After this account, Tank is mentioned in several historical references, usually during times of war, as "that fat guy with the beard who loves to beat people up."
Entry into the UFC
Abbott was discovered after he knocked 900 lb. John Matua's head clean off his body during his first official MMA fight, landing it in Dana White's lap. Dana was so impressed by this performance that he immediately gave Abbott a permanent contract to the UFC, and a 9 figure salary. His first fight in the UFC was against Royce Gracie. Abbott quickly overpowered Gracie and pinched his prostate, causing him to tap out immediately.
Next, he would be facing Minotauro Nogueira. Victory came swiftly as Abbott jumped on Nogueira and tied his windpipe in a knot. In his next fight, which was against Fedor Emelianenko, Abbott started the night by pulling Fedor's nutsac to his ankle and flinging him in the face with it during the stare-down. Although this infuriated Fedor, and caused him to attack Abbott with a flurry of devastating punches and kicks to the chin, Abbott managed to stop him with a sneaky uppercut to the adam's apple.
His most legendary bout was against Frank Mir. Mir came out strong, and took Abbott to the ground. Things were looking hopeful as Mir tried setting up for submission after submission. What Mir did not know was that Abbott feels no pain, and thus cannot be submitted. After tiring himself out for three 5-minute rounds, Mir collapsed from exhaustion. Tank took this opportunity to stomp Mir's testicles repeatedly, ruthlessly, and without mercy. The match was called off, and Abbott was declared the winner.
His last fight was in January of 2010, with Kimbo Slice who he had gotten his balls kicked all the way into his beard by. Tank Abbott thought he would gain recognition for the critical response upon having a Testicular Recticulum, but he got laughed at and got grounded by his grand dad. As you can tell, Tank Abbott drives a Harley. He's just as gay as any other fat bald guy with a nasty beard and never smiles that wears faded AC/DC shirts in hope to get laid. He is of the redneck decent.
