I hate when people say "If i had a choice" .... you always have one.
Instead you have to think... what is stopping me right now to do what I want.
Me - if I had a choice - I would take all my money buy a place in the montana mountains and life by myself - I am okay with myself - I never had a the need for social things I am a loner since I can remember and for very complicated personal reason with the answer in my childhood I am unable to trust people apart from my wife and possibly parents - ever.
So yes I think I be okay by myself in a blockhouse - and sure I am fully aware of the romantic factor involved here - I have spend long times in places that you just don't go unless you don't want to see anybody else (wicklow mountains) so I am aware of that the minute you get in real danger or extremely cold and wet you wish you be in your civilized place with the restaurant and shopping mall close by.
But every now and then I have a huge urge to leave all the shit behind me - all the bad news - all the problems at work and financial meltdowns - all the end of the world shit the health scares and worries my son will grow up in a world that will make it impossible for him to become what he wants to be.
What stops me?
Anything and everything - I am like some of the old guys you find in Irish NY pubs, the once that come over if they hear that you have an Irish accent and they sit down with you and explain to you that they are planing to go back to the promised land - they tell you that all they wanted from life was a little bit of respect and a good pension in the same sentence they let loose and inform you that back 20 years they have just missed out on the big job how the jews are getting special treatment and how their kids are ungrateful - they talk about Ireland like the promised land and one day one final day I will pack up my shit and take the family to Ireland - and it never happens - and they know it.
Truthfully I am scared of change - scared that I will not be able to support my wife and kid, scared that I might loose them - you cling on to your guard rails in life and try to hold on like your life depends on it - we have more too loose than to gain and as soon as you figure out how easy and fast you can loose everything you got you cannot stop worrying about it.
And I am speaking by experience - I have lost once before everything - no job no place to life no money... I've been there and once you've been there and came back you are forever scared it can or will happen again.
I am not smart enough or ruthless enough to make a lot of money, I am battling my demons the once my biological parents gave me on my way to my life and try to get by - I am 36 years old screwed up and more crazy than a lot of people might think.
I can be extremely pleasant and extremely brutal and unpleasant - maybe that makes me a sociopath I would not be shocked if I fall into that category.
There is no hope for people like me - I am on a one way street to what ever - but I also never give up - I keep trying and keep trying and only for the reason that one final day I want to knock on my biological mothers door and tell her - see the guy in front of you? I am your son and you abandoned me and left me for dead - take a good fucking look at me you cunt.
