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Author Topic: several Jokes.  (Read 4329 times)
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« on: July 12, 2011, 10:07:33 PM »

  • My car broke down the other day,...so I took it to a garage...
  • and the guy says that he's a “Quantum Mechanic”...
  • I ask him if he can fix my car or not…
  • He shrugs and says, " I don't know,...I'll have to look at it"
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funk51
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« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2011, 09:53:14 AM »

a teachers first day on the job she goes into the classroom and starts to call role, when she gets to the f's  she calls out jack fuckinghour  and he says here, she thinks this is odd so she goes into the principles office and ask the principle do we have a fucking hour in this school. to which the principle answers no all we have is a coffee break.    see that's considered a joke.
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2011, 11:47:41 AM »

You simply do not "get it"...I fully expected very few to get it...


You probably won't get this one either...


* rod10.gif (17.44 KB, 278x350 - viewed 527 times.)

* Rorigues - multipath.jpg (47.28 KB, 738x729 - viewed 548 times.)
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funk51
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« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2011, 07:59:32 AM »

i like stuff that doesn't make me think too much kenny bania is the voice of a new generation.


* kenny bania.jpg (6.1 KB, 199x149 - viewed 508 times.)
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Butterbean
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« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2011, 08:43:53 AM »

i like stuff that doesn't make me think too much kenny bania is the voice of a new generation.

Why don't they call it Roundtine?
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R
funk51
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« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2011, 10:20:13 AM »

Why don't they call it Roundtine?
exactly.


* kenny bania kkkll.jpg (19.58 KB, 321x242 - viewed 488 times.)
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2011, 07:52:27 PM »

  • A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
  • "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
  • The Roman replies, "if I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

  • So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
  • The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
  • Helium doesn't react.

  • So Helium walks into another bar and orders a beer.
  • The bartender says, "A noble gas like yourself? No charge!"

  • A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
  • So he gives it to her.
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2011, 08:20:48 PM »

  • Why were the three artists late to the Impressionist exhibit?
  • They ran out of Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

  • Did you hear the one about the British nobleman who shows his Impressionist painting on his drawbridge?
  • He put his Monet where his moat is…..
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2011, 08:30:22 PM »

  • How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a penis?
  • (come back) If I had to guess, I would say sex. SIX!! I mean SIX!!I mean sex.

  • An Oedipus Complex is when you mean one thing, but fuck your mother.

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Getbig IV
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« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2011, 09:03:18 PM »

  • A wife asks her Fortran programmer husband to go to the store;
  • The wife says, “Go to store, buy 6 apples, if they have eggs, buy 12.”
  • Fortran programmer goes to store and asks, “Do you have eggs?”
  • Store clerk says, “yes”
  • Fortran programmer says, “Then a dozen apples, please.”

  • Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
  • (come back)To get to the same side

  • "Stone walls do not a prism make, nor iron bars a diffraction grating."
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2011, 09:55:21 PM »

  • A wave function walks into a bar and promptly collapses.
  • He screams at the bartender "What the hell are you looking at!".

  • A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey buddy, you gotta help me... I lost my electron!"
  • Bartender says back, "Are you sure?"
  • Atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive."

  • A neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "How much do I owe you?"
  • Bartender, "For you, no charge."
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funk51
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« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2011, 01:39:46 PM »

a minister walks into  a grocery to buy ham. he says how much is that ham. the clerk says you mean the god dam ham. the minister says, can't you see i'm a man of the cloth yet you curse in my presence. the clerk says no that's the brand  name of the ham i'm not cursing. the minister takes the ham home and his wife serves it for supper. the minister say to his son please  pass me the god-dam ham. the son is startled  but recovers and says now your with it pop, give me the fucking butter.
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Andy Griffin
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« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2011, 02:48:17 PM »

  • A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
  • "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
  • The Roman replies, "if I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

  • So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
  • The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
  • Helium doesn't react.

  • So Helium walks into another bar and orders a beer.
  • The bartender says, "A noble gas like yourself? No charge!"

  • A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
  • So he gives it to her.





I met the cutest girl in math class.  She was sweet as pi, but she was irrational.


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« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2011, 07:43:32 PM »

  • A wave function walks into a bar and promptly collapses.
  • He screams at the bartender "What the hell are you looking at!".

  • A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey buddy, you gotta help me... I lost my electron!"
  • Bartender says back, "Are you sure?"
  • Atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive."

  • A neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "How much do I owe you?"
  • Bartender, "For you, no charge."

by the way,

















do you know what an algebra is?
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #14 on: July 15, 2011, 08:34:58 PM »

If I remember correctly it's of arabic/middle eastern origin,...rediscovered by the europeans when they captured the Great Library of Toledo,...The word is Al Jabr,...the study of relations...


There,...a nice big fat one teed up for you!
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #15 on: July 17, 2011, 08:39:45 PM »

  • If you are not part of the solution...
  • You are part of the precipitate.
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #16 on: July 18, 2011, 12:55:50 AM »

IF EDGAR ALLEN POE WAS AN IT PROFESSIONAL

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
system manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
still I sat there, doing spreadsheets.

Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the "save" command
and waited for the disk to store,
only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering,
long I sat there wond'ring, fearing
while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!"

One thing did the phosphors answer
only this and nothing more, just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling,
slowly toward the keyboard bending,
longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee,
timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted,
words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,
haunted, as my patience wore, saying,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted;
by my own machine accosted.
Getting up, I turned away,
and paced across the office poor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the night.

A gasp of horror overtook me,
shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data,
lost and gone forevermore. Not even,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #17 on: July 18, 2011, 01:01:40 AM »

There once was a violinist from Rio
who was seduced by a lady named Cleo.
When she pulled down her panties,
she said, "Please no andantes,
I want this allegro con brio."

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robcguns
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« Reply #18 on: July 18, 2011, 06:57:34 AM »

i like stuff that doesn't make me think too much kenny bania is the voice of a new generation.
That episode was hilarious.
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #19 on: July 19, 2011, 06:52:20 AM »

  • How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?...
  • His knocks get louder and faster with time.

  • What's the difference between a chainsaw and a double bass?...
  • The chainsaw is more versatile in small ensembles.

  • Needed: experienced bassist for R and B band...
  • Must know both notes...

  • Which classical composer married his high school?...
  • Gustav -- he married his Alma Mahler.


  • What is perfect pitch?...
  • The ability to chuck an accordion into a dumpster from 30 feet without hitting the rim.



* hahahaha.jpg (8.32 KB, 512x144 - viewed 409 times.)
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« Reply #20 on: July 19, 2011, 09:24:10 AM »

  • How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?...
  • His knocks get louder and faster with time.

  • What's the difference between a chainsaw and a double bass?...
  • The chainsaw is more versatile in small ensembles.

  • Needed: experienced bassist for R and B band...
  • Must know both notes...

  • Which classical composer married his high school?...
  • Gustav -- he married his Alma Mahler.


  • What is perfect pitch?...
  • The ability to chuck an accordion into a dumpster from 30 feet without hitting the rim.


harp players spend 95% of their time tuning their harps, and 5% playing out of tune.
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2011, 10:50:03 PM »

  • You had better get your feces cohesive...

  • What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?...
  • Mechanical engineers build weapons...
  • Civil engineers build targets.

  • Alcohol and calculus never mix...
  • Never drink and derive.
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #22 on: July 23, 2011, 10:42:21 AM »

  • Descartes walks into a bar....
  • The bartender asks if he'd like a beer, and he finishes it...
  • The bartender asks if he would like another...
  • He says, "I think not" and disappears.
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #23 on: July 26, 2011, 06:01:49 PM »

The difference between Heaven and Hell:

In Heaven:
  • The chefs are French.
  • The police are British.
  • The mechanics and technicians are German.
  • And the symphony orchestras are Austrian.

In Hell:
  • The chefs are British.
  • The police are German.
  • The mechanics and technicians are French
  • And the Rock and Roll bands are Austrian………
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Getbig IV
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« Reply #24 on: September 18, 2011, 05:30:21 AM »

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KXY-ksYBsY" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KXY-ksYBsY</a>

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