Wow are you a psychologist? You are correct my parents divorced soon after I was born and I was raised by my mother.
It feels kind of good to speak to somebody about these issues. It's just not normal, when I am outside and I see some bigger people the first thing I think about is, 'what if this guy attacks me', I know this is irrational thinking most of the time.
It doesn't matter if it is a bar or a bus or whatever, as soon as I see somebody big I get intimidated.
That's also part of the reason why I started bodybuilding. I am mostly working on the more prominent muscles like the shoulders and the arms to kind of try and discourage people from picking me as a target.
And I also think another reason for that is that I haven't really got any serious fighting experience. I think I would much more confident if I did. But thats who I am, I am just not an aggresive person and try to stay out of trouble as much as possible.
Anyway I agree with your point about living in a small city. Unfortunatelly many of us have no choice, financially I am not well off, but indeed I would like to move into a small city in the future.
When your father abandonned you and mother she was scared shitless cause her and your odds of survival were considerably lowered. This intense stress caused by this traumatic event she felt was impregnated in your own brain, as newborns and even before, emrbyons and fetuses are directly tuned physically and psychologically with their main caregivers emotional states.
Basically your brain/hard drive recorded very early deep feelings of fear of death, and this would then later shape the pillars of your personnality. It is of course not possible to revert the process, you cannot erase these recordings, and they keep generating fear, insecurity and anger all life long. You should browse my posting history as i have written a lot about these questions previously on here, you might find some interesting things about your condition.
You can alterate, improve your well being facing these past events questionning your original caregivers (parents, grandparents) if ...they re still alive. Most of the time they dont want to re-live their past knowing they harmed you and dont want to acknowledge their responsabilities. It's about going back in the past, understanding how you ve been conditionned, who did what, how, why, discovering lots of things your caregivers hid. Some people call the process a psychorhterapy, a psychanalysis... lots of words just to label a normal process of figuring who you are, why you feel and act the way you do and how it all started. Eventually you will be able after some time to modify the way you think and behave, but let's be honnest, once you ve been wired / raised/condittonned, there s little you can really do , we cannot change that much. Still, the little things that can be changed , improved, are important. You might be able to improve other people lives as a result and especially be able to raise kids better.
You should
read about psychogenalogy, my posts, and visit
arthur janov's blog...and eventually give a look at
christianism too. Basically everything that has been designed to condition/re-condition ourselves by ourselves in order to become functionnal again in the big picture.
The sooner the separation happens -when kid is still in the wombs, or right after birth- the deeper the consequences , it's now a common knowledge between most scientifics. It gets worse when step fathers/mothers reject sons or daughters who arent theirs. Basically you are scared of males because your own father, and original father figure who was suposed to provide for you and mother's survival let both of you die -well, that's what would have happened in nature if we werent "humans"- let's say... decreased your odds of survival. Tough to go trhu life with a smile when basically your father sent you and mother the message that he didnt care about your survival. You think all males are perverse, only think about themselves, cannot be loyal, are dangerous animals you cannot trust, and would kill you without any second thought if it meant increasing their own odds of survival. Because that's what your father thought originally.
Very few step fathers manage to replace the original father. They often dont recongnize the child, cannot love him/her as it is not their genes. Most re-built families are a joke that worsen psychological developments of growing kids who will become even more egocentrical and potentially dangerous-yet very smart- adults.
I guess odds are high your own father has been abandonned by his own father? It's always the same story repeating itself in circle.
Abandonning a kid is a murder that never ends, that lasts all the kids' life.
In order not to reproduce your past, you have to be fully conscious of it. But even when you do, it doesnt mean you re going to be magically "cured" of your feelings of insecurity. But you still can raise kids better than the way your caregivers raised you. Takes years if not decades to understand how to solve the puzzle, finding all the pieces, most people abandon after a while because it's just too tough to go thru their parents, grandparents past mistakes, regrets, especially when they dont want them to be revealed.
There are millions -and growing- people like you, all the same people with the same traumas and past programations, conditionnings. Same causes, same consequences. It's is no wonder most of them end lifting weights , getting tattos, piercings , wearing tapouts shirts etc... Hurt, abandonned people, always ending adopting the same limited coping strategies... The problem is when the coping strategy actually dont help coping with the initial wounds over time. When the brain is hurt, you can lift as much weights as you want it wont help. Psychotherapy, reading about it, finding meaningful relationships that are not reproductions of the realtionship between your parents are the only real potent "medications". Absolutely every single individual with an extremistic, addictive behavior is abnormally coping with an original, deep trauma he doesnt understand yet keeps impacting his subconscious life every second of his existence. Those who will find a way out will try to balance things, feelings, stop being extremistic in their attitude, behaviors, thoughts, will learn what has not been learnt, unlearn what was wrong, replace it with better thought or behavorial patterns, in order to become more functionnal individuals in the big thing-specie- that spawned them. Takes a lot of time an energy to re-condition yourself because your original caregivers didnt do their job.
Most people dont understand why they re "fucked up deep inside", how, where, when it all started, why they cant act, behave, think, like others "normal people". Why they cant be happy. Answer is easy; they have not been conditionned, raised, programmed, to be happy, but to be unhappy. Answer; face, understand your programmations, your conditionnings, your "story". When you ve been badly raised, regreted, ignored, despised by those who spawned you, you learned to develop a low self esteem. Basically your own father didnt care about you surviving or not after generating you.
The only thing you have to understand is that if there's a smoke, there's a fire. That everything has an origin. That every present or future consequence has causes, and you have to nail the real causes that generate the consequences over and over. Takes time, lots of energy, lot of sorrows. We are only the physical and psychical sum of what spawned us.
You also have to face the mistakes of your parents and not reproduce them. You have to fight with the evil the person that abandonned you... gave you. Parts of your mind and body are from this person that wanted you to die/disapear. Tough shit to deal with. This is when personality might starts to split when you re forced to reject parts of someone inside yourself.
Always looking up for a mentor, a father figure that would take the place of the father who regreted giving you birth, wherever you go, the initial lack, emptiness, is never fulfilled. You cannot trust other males of your specie, because you couldnt even trust the one that spawned you. You ddint learn to trust him, as he wasnt even here. So you grew up in a completely anormal way. This feeling of emptiness most of the time, cannot be fulfilled. It's too late. It's unfair. Then you figure we re just animals ! Others had it, you didnt. You are jealous. Angry. Doesnt help socializing. As angry as you get, it doesnt help you either.
Most kids with no fathers cannot learn how to study and work either. Just too many pieces of the machine that are just not there. And you have nothing else to do but to deal with it and solve the puzzle the hard way, when others start with all the pieces alrdy set right in their place from the beginning.
READ. Anyone can lift weights, lose weight, and anyone can read. Just repeat the task until you like it. To learn, it's always the same process.
