I feel since I've been jerking it to the entertainment section of the Las Vegas Phone book at age 12, Hustlers, Penthouse and Juggs at age 13, the flyers and cards the on the Las Vegas strip at age 14, VHS tapes age 15-19, internet porn age 19-present. (age 33 now). Enough is enough. It got to the point that I rationalized not wanting a girlfriend because, with porn, I don't have to open myself emotionally, I spend money it, take it out, listen to its bullshit and every other negative characteristic of the human female.
Not healthy behavior when you let it get out of control. I wasn't on the net for hours. It would be something, I "took care of" really quick. Well jerking off 2-6 times per day will certainly make your desire for a real woman dissipate. Sure, I'd fuck every now and then when the mood hits me but I would have much rather have my porn so I can just be done with it and not have to emotionally connect with a broad or figure out some creative way to let her know I didn't want to be there anymore or I didn't want her to be there anymore.
So anyway, that's pretty much it. It's only been 3 days but let me tell you, you really find out if youre dependent upon it when you quit, cause I'm an irritable sob. I'm sure I'll mellow out eventually but I didn't think I'd be bothered by it that much but I was wrong.
The reason for my epiphany is because, within a group of people I spend much of my time with, there is a young lady, white,(surprise!
)an 8 on her best day a 6.5 or 7 on any other day. Anyway, I've known she's had some sort of feeling whether it's just wanting to be fuck buddies or something more, I don't know cause I just didn't feel like opening up at all, 0% to find out. I justifyed, I'd rather crack one off (p.i.p. Karl Kox) than fuck her and there's nothing wrong with her...although she is a single mother. Fuck, her brother hangs out with us and he even literally told me, "Milton, you're an awesome guy, I give you my blessing." Yet, I did nothing. Even this past Friday night, we all went and played Bingo at a local casino (fuck you all, it's fun and I won 33 bucks bitches
) Drinks were free. After Bingo, her brother and my friend and his wife went home. The girl, we'll call her Ashley, wanted to go to a bar in the casino a grab a drink and listen to the local band. We threw back some drinks we were both fucked up. We had a decent time listening to music. We stopped by McDs on the way home and went back to her place. We were eating and smoking outside her house and she suggested I stay the night. My rule is usually no, I lik waking up in my own bed. But I'm not a big drinker and it seemed the alcohol had a stronger effect on me than I thought. Her brother also suggested I stay. She said she was dizzy and was going in and that she'd see us inside. What did my pathetic black ass do? Stayed outside and smoked all night and talked to her brother till the sun came up...I can't even say no homo to that shit cause that's all homo.
I've known the broad for about 6 months. We've made out a couple time, I've grabbed ass and boobs but for whatever fucking reason there's some mental block (no I'm not gay, or bi or any other creative snaps you'll come up with). I just got to the point that I'd rather just use porn and be done with it so I intentionally avoided some potentially great poontang for porn. After I drove home and thought about it, I realized I had two problems, 1. I'm using porn to avoid emotional connections with woman and 2. This is a problem. I was pretty upset with myself all day yesterday because it was a moment of clarity and I knew my actions weren't healthy. I misused porn and made it unhealthy. Now this broad has been trying to in one way or another get me to fuck her and I've been going out of my way to avoid it for a while. Friday night was the last straw.
So effective Friday, September 7th, I put a moratoriam on masturbating and all forms of porn until I re-learn to go for women first and porn last. Cause I'm looking like a real homo right now, certainly not my intention.
Porn is not bad. Porn is bad when you use it like I do.
That is all gentlemen, thanks for listening carry on. I'll let you know when I bang her or where you can see me featured at the next gay pride parade if I don't...no homo.
