Have you left a wife / got divorced? what to expect?

[Voice of Doom]

A women will always bend towards a strong man - Confuscious

[steamboatwillie]

Just shed your religion.  There is no point to it anyway.  I am 100 percent certain this will solve all of your problems.  She probably won`t want to be with someone who champions reason over superstition.

There is your ticket out.  Easy and you will become a more intelligent person instantly once you leave those fairy tales behind. 

Consider it.

I've never been strong in my faith.  I constantly question all of it and we do clash over this.  She already knows that I'm basically a Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter Christian...the rest of the year I follow logic.  I will go to church with her when she wants to go, but she never wants to go anymore.  I wish we did just to see other people and socialize.

[steamboatwillie]

When you stood before man and God at the altar and repeated the vows to eachother never to leave etc, did you mean it when you said 'for better or for worse'?

I'm a realist...I know things don't always goto plan, but I had a sincere belief that we would have a good marriage.  We don't, and staying in it isn't doing either one of us any good.

[Butterbean]

I'm a realist...I know things don't always goto plan, but I had a sincere belief that we would have a good marriage.  We don't, and staying in it isn't doing either one of us any good.

It's only been 6 months and you haven't actually tried anything yet to improve things (or maybe you have and I missed it or you didn't post about it).  When I was ready to walk, I wanted to try everything first, to at least be able to say I made every effort and rationalize leaving in my own mind.  Reading those books and getting counseling was the start of change.  But that is key, her behavior needs to change.  Unless she has a personality disorder/mental illness, she can change.  There is still hope!

[steamboatwillie]

Willie, I will tell you about a wonderful girl I dated before I got married.
Most that know this girl seriously questioned my sanity for breaking up with her.
On paper, whe was everything a guy could want:  Pretty (had modeled and done some commercial work), came from a very wealthy family, was educated, worldly--well traveled, liked fine cuisine, strong sense of family.

BUT!!!!  What nobody knew is that this girl hated herself.  She had severe abandonment issues (let me preface this by saying that the women in her family outnumbered the men easily 3:1.  Her father was a great guy and an engineer for an international company.  Well, he caught the mother cheating on him with more than one guy, so after trying to make it work, he realized he had to leave.  He took a job across the country.  My ex never forgave him for leaving, as her mother had convinced her that she should just "follow her heart", and that people should love you unconditionally.  The partriarch of their family fortune was her grandfather, and he died a few years before we dated).  She constantly felt like I was going to leave her. 

SO!!!  This is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  She would throw monkey wrenches into what many would describe as perfect dates/days/etc.  For instance, we were at a fine French restaurant having an amazing meal, drinking Taittinger Blanc de Blanc 1983, and she tells me how sick she is feeling.  I'm like WTF!!!!  In true GetBig fashion, I tell her that I am enjoying myself, and I am not putting up with her childish games.  I will finish my meal and have dessert.  Then we can go.

She would often attempt to psychologically castrate me by belittling me (what your wife is doing).  I would tell her that there is no need to act like her mother.  If she truly felt that way about me, we should end it.  She would cry and say she didn't mean it.  I would tell her that while I truly cared for her, I would not date a mental toddler.  She needed to be a woman if were to be together, not a child trapped in a woman's body.

She wanted a baby.  I told her that she needed to learn to take care of herself first, before I would even consider marrying her, let alone impregnating her.  She had a very nice condo, and had a cleaning lady once a week.  Her place looked like a monsoon had hit the interior. 

When things looked like they would inevitably end, she suggested counseling.  I told her that while I loved her, I didn't need counseling.  I informed her that she has been in therapy since she was 12 (more than half her life), and that I was NOT the source of her ills.  I literally wrote out all of the pros/cons of our relationship, and told her that while no relationship is 50/50, it has to balance somewhere close to that number in order for it to work.  I told her that as of now, it is like 90/10, and that she has 3 months to show drastic change.

She did not, and I walked.  Not easy to do, as our familiies are very close.  Best thing I ever did.  So, she went for what many would consider a much "softer" guy after me, and after she was engaged to him for over a year, he called it off.  She is damaged goods.

Best of luck.

You just descried her and her family situation to a T.   She plays the same games too.

[daddy8ball]

Get out.

There are a lot of guys who would KILL to be in your situation. No kids? Not a long marriage? Get out and be free. Trust me. Don't give any thought whatsoever to what your (or her) family thinks about it. They aren't you. They don't live your life, they don't have to suffer the arguments day in and day out with no end in sight. They'll get over it.

I was in your boat. In a miserable marriage. I *didn't* get out. Then kids came. Marriage still miserable. It eventually ended but now I'm stuck with alimony and child support. I cannot tell you how much I look forward to the day where I can keep a whole paycheck.

If I could go back in time and be in your position, packing my things and leaving would be the happiest day of my life. Your retirement accounts? You get to keep half!? Wow. Count your blessings.

No sense in prolonging the misery.

[dr.chimps]

is there a life insurance policy on her? is there a lake nearby? Do you have access to a canoe?

Ha! Somebody's been reading Theodore Dreiser.   

[steamboatwillie]

Ok, the best possible thing to do is tell her you both need a serious talk.
No preachers, no family members, no counselor, JUST you 2 in a quiet setting at home.
Look at her and in a calm but firm way tell her the following:
1. You really don't want kids right now and that is something for FUTURE plans only.
Allow her to reply and say how she feels but do NOT allow her to sway  you and go on the next topic.

2. You still have love in your heart for her, BUT you can't live with her under the current circumstances.
You need to be free to spend some time at the gym and a reasonable time with friends, etc

If she won't talk or really discuss the issues you then tell her, you are moving out ( give her notice) and will file for divorce.

I think telling her I WILL leave might spur some change, atleast for a couple weeks.  I suppose its worth a shot.

[steamboatwillie]

Get out.

There are a lot of guys who would KILL to be in your situation. No kids? Not a long marriage? Get out and be free. Trust me. Don't give any thought whatsoever to what your (or her) family thinks about it. They aren't you. They don't live your life, they don't have to suffer the arguments day in and day out with no end in sight. They'll get over it.

I was in your boat. In a miserable marriage. I *didn't* get out. Then kids came. Marriage still miserable. It eventually ended but now I'm stuck with alimony and child support. I cannot tell you how much I look forward to the day where I can keep a whole paycheck.

If I could go back in time and be in your position, packing my things and leaving would be the happiest day of my life. Your retirement accounts? You get to keep half!? Wow. Count your blessings.

No sense in prolonging the misery.

This is why on the rare occasion we do have sex, I wrap it up.  She fusses about it, but I told her u simply don't trust her to take her pill and I'm not taking any chances.  Kids are not an option at this point.

[Tito24]

i holds an Ph.D. in history of bodybuilding from the University of Wisconsin

[Hulkster]

No we only stayed together on the weekends.  It was mainly a family / religious decision (which looking back, was not smart).

sorry to hear. living together 'on weekends' is totally different than living together 24/7.

I have to agree with the others: sounds like the relationship is doomed.

a coworker of mine went through a similar situation with his daughter:

girl dated a guy for 8 years. got married.

then moved in. couldn't stand each other after cohabitating for 2 years and split up.

 best of luck. this is not an easy situation.

[King Shizzo]

Willie, I will tell you about a wonderful girl I dated before I got married.
Most that know this girl seriously questioned my sanity for breaking up with her.
On paper, whe was everything a guy could want:  Pretty (had modeled and done some commercial work), came from a very wealthy family, was educated, worldly--well traveled, liked fine cuisine, strong sense of family.

BUT!!!!  What nobody knew is that this girl hated herself.  She had severe abandonment issues (let me preface this by saying that the women in her family outnumbered the men easily 3:1.  Her father was a great guy and an engineer for an international company.  Well, he caught the mother cheating on him with more than one guy, so after trying to make it work, he realized he had to leave.  He took a job across the country.  My ex never forgave him for leaving, as her mother had convinced her that she should just "follow her heart", and that people should love you unconditionally.  The partriarch of their family fortune was her grandfather, and he died a few years before we dated).  She constantly felt like I was going to leave her. 

SO!!!  This is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  She would throw monkey wrenches into what many would describe as perfect dates/days/etc.  For instance, we were at a fine French restaurant having an amazing meal, drinking Taittinger Blanc de Blanc 1983, and she tells me how sick she is feeling.  I'm like WTF!!!!  In true GetBig fashion, I tell her that I am enjoying myself, and I am not putting up with her childish games.  I will finish my meal and have dessert.  Then we can go.

She would often attempt to psychologically castrate me by belittling me (what your wife is doing).  I would tell her that there is no need to act like her mother.  If she truly felt that way about me, we should end it.  She would cry and say she didn't mean it.  I would tell her that while I truly cared for her, I would not date a mental toddler.  She needed to be a woman if were to be together, not a child trapped in a woman's body.

She wanted a baby.  I told her that she needed to learn to take care of herself first, before I would even consider marrying her, let alone impregnating her.  She had a very nice condo, and had a cleaning lady once a week.  Her place looked like a monsoon had hit the interior. 

When things looked like they would inevitably end, she suggested counseling.  I told her that while I loved her, I didn't need counseling.  I informed her that she has been in therapy since she was 12 (more than half her life), and that I was NOT the source of her ills.  I literally wrote out all of the pros/cons of our relationship, and told her that while no relationship is 50/50, it has to balance somewhere close to that number in order for it to work.  I told her that as of now, it is like 90/10, and that she has 3 months to show drastic change.

She did not, and I walked.  Not easy to do, as our familiies are very close.  Best thing I ever did.  So, she went for what many would consider a much "softer" guy after me, and after she was engaged to him for over a year, he called it off.  She is damaged goods.

Best of luck.

Dr. Phil of peace.

[Stark]

Married now for four years and the best decision I ever made - of course we fight and argue but it never has that mean spirit it has in a relationship were there is no love.
She is the best woman I ever meet and probably ever will meet, she is a spectacular mother and hopefully will give me another nordic son in April next year.
Our relationship has never gone slow or something its still as funny and silly and lovable as it was before, I think the reason is that we got married after knowing each other for a year - we just both said, fuck it lets do it if it doesn't work out we get divorced lol.
I took her on two vacations before and pretty much got to know her on good and bad times - vacations (not the usualy package holiday but a bit more rought and tumble) are awesome to get to know somebody - but the real test comes when the boredom of the daily grind sets in.
Today we make a point every week we have a date night - kid is in bed we take over the house - eat well drink fuck watch TV with big chocolate mugs what ever makes us happy.
Once a week on weekend we set up a yard stick of culture - we go to a museum or an art gallery something the little guy can have a good time to - last week we went to Glendalough and later to the national military museum.
Relationships don't stay healty by itself, you have to grow with it - if you stay the childish uneductated boy she got to know a few years back chances are you will not make it - but if you find a way to grow with the relationship but stay true to yourself you are on the road to success.

one thing I need to add, for some reason (and that might be a reason why things work out well apose to most friends we have) things are never boring here - and we are not trying too hard to make life spectactular its just that I can be a fucking child and as my wife puts it - For my husband the world is always "new" - and I do a lot of unpredictable and sometimes stupid stuff but it keeps us guessing, she is on the other hand extremly unpredictable at what project she is working on - so I guess its never really boring.
Plus we have both families in different countries so we travel at least 4 times year alone to our families not even vacation, that takes a lot of planing and preperation and of course we see always new things.

So I guess if It all boils down to its probably boredom that kills most relationshiops

[Howard]

Great post Stark and nice t see you had the insight to have a "date night".
It also sounds you both love being parents.
That wasn't for me, but it sure sounds like it has been worthwhile and happy for you two.
Nice post and good to hear about your wonderful marriage and family.

[Board_SHERIF]

she will get fatter  and lazier each year and you will resent each other more each year.

[Howard]

she will get fatter  and lazier each year and you will resent each other more each year.

In the end , despite some sincere efforts to be upbeat, the force of getbig wins out, yet again.
I gotta recover from a high rep  GUT workout at  BURGER KING. I had the large whopper combo supersetted with a hershey pie.
Good night and good luck

[keanu]

Being a middle aged, married family man with kids, I can assure you that never in my years have I seen a marriage start off as badly as yours end up good. This is your life. Accept your mistake, and move on.

Your girl sounds crazy so I wouldn't detail all your plans. You want to protect yourself legally. If the cops show up at the house and she beats herself up, nobody will believe the 280 lbs bodybuilder. You think she is bad now? Wait until you are about to leave. Women are capable of great evil. Move your money into untraceable cash, week by week. 

When you are ready for the big move, advise your landlady you are moving out but keep things quiet from the wife. Take her out for the weekend. Have your friends move all your stuff to your new place, and her stuff into storage. On the way home, drop her off at her parents and tell her you are going to the store. Quietly drop off the storage locker keys in her purse. Leave, and never come back. Call her on her cell and tell her the storage locker where all her stuff is being stored (make sure video is taken of the items by your friends). Then never talk to her again.

If you can, get a new job and move away. She sounds like the crazy stalker type. My friend Paul had a crazy sister. She was a total bitch. Psycho really. She managed to sucker a cop into marrying her. The marriage lasted 9 months. She came home on day and all the locks were changed. 

[tommywishbone]

Easy. . .

1  buy her insurance

2  buy her lots of insurance
 
3  she falls down the escalator at the mall

4  you buy a new Cadillac in her memory

[Mr Anabolic]

You probably didn't know this, but the biggest contributing factor to divorce... is MARRIAGE.

Do NOT get married... ever.  She will change and you will change...  guaranteed.  There is a tremendous price to be paid when either of you change... it's called DIVORCE.

Do NOT have kids... ever.  It costs and average of about 500K to raise 1 child from birth to 18 years old.  Thinking about getting divorced?... you'll be paying child support until the day they graduate from college.

All these things have very, VERY steep financial ramifications.

Stop thinking with your dick.

[bike nut]

Have you left a wife / got divorced?  What to expect?

I have been married for 6 months and its miserable.  Definitely the worst decision of my life.  Our families are both very supportive, but we are just too different and we can't make it 2 days without having a total meltdown fight.  I have to get out before it gets any worse.  What's the best way to go about it, and what do I need to be on the look out for?

Steamboat....is your wife the first piece of ass you ever tapped?

(Not counting the special back rubs your sneaky uncle Pete gave you as a kid)

[240 is Back]

Getting married is like loosing your virginity only in reverse.

I LOL'd IRL

[NordicNerd]

Our biggest issue is that I have a life outside of us and she doesn't.  She refuses to take care of herself or find a hobby or an activity where she can socialize.  She won't go out with our friends and won't let me without holding it over me for weeks.  She also wants a baby ASAP, and while I'm not against it, I'm not willing to have one now because our situation is so bad.  We have had sex 4 times in 2 months, and now she wants to threaten me by saying she's not going to give me any if I don't quit the gym.  Not that I care anymore, the times we do she just lays there.

Your partner should be supportive with regard to the things that are important to you, not a hindrance.

If she does not listen to this, you should not make a baby, but rather divorce as fast as possible.

NN

[dr.chimps]

Easy. . .

1  buy her insurance

2  buy her lots of insurance
 
3  she falls down the escalator at the mall

4  you buy a new Cadillac in her memory

5  trophy babes

[Howard]

Being a middle aged, married family man with kids, I can assure you that never in my years have I seen a marriage start off as badly as yours end up good. This is your life. Accept your mistake, and move on.

Your girl sounds crazy so I wouldn't detail all your plans. You want to protect yourself legally. If the cops show up at the house and she beats herself up, nobody will believe the 280 lbs bodybuilder. You think she is bad now? Wait until you are about to leave. Women are capable of great evil. Move your money into untraceable cash, week by week.  

When you are ready for the big move, advise your landlady you are moving out but keep things quiet from the wife. Take her out for the weekend. Have your friends move all your stuff to your new place, and her stuff into storage. On the way home, drop her off at her parents and tell her you are going to the store. Quietly drop off the storage locker keys in her purse. Leave, and never come back. Call her on her cell and tell her the storage locker where all her stuff is being stored (make sure video is taken of the items by your friends). Then never talk to her again.

If you can, get a new job and move away. She sounds like the crazy stalker type. My friend Paul had a crazy sister. She was a total bitch. Psycho really. She managed to sucker a cop into marrying her. The marriage lasted 9 months. She came home on day and all the locks were changed.  

That might be a good idea but it would require the stealth of a navy seal

[Rudee]

One of my good friends is an Engineer for an oil and gas company in Calgary, AB.  He married the spawn of Satan, had two kids with her in two years, and in their 4th year of marriage things fell apart and they got divorced.   He previously lived in a 2300 sq ft 4 bedroom house in a very nice community in Calgary, but now lives in a cheap 2 bedroom condo because he has been forced by the courts to pay $1650/month in child support payments.  What drove him absolutely bonkers was when he recently found out his ex wife bought a Harley Davidson Fatboy for her new boyfriend that she has been dating for less than  a year.  He knows damn well it's his child support payments that paid for this motorcycle for her fuck buddy.  He was so pissed I thought he would actually kill her - and him.   He's an angry bitter person now that regrets marriage.  He loves his kids, but he wishes he never got married.