uberman, do you have any job prospects? You have been writing long walls of text ever since you lost your job. What do you plan to do with your future? Write obscure posts on Getbig?
As i said a week ago or so, i have no prospect at the moment but to wait for a new one to appear, I'm thinking even more than usual , probably because i can. I know many people who cant and just rush from one endeavour to another. Of course I'm mostly channeled by what i already have and it will considerably affect the path ill chose. As you get older, options diminish drastically especially if you re not rich, and you re automatically smarter in the way you use your time and energy. The older we get, the less willpower to change our past ways we have too.
It's one of my most developed way of existing, one of my main strategies of survival, subliming myself i guess, telling people what i think of myself of them, of everything. Again i didnt really chose any of it, it's just what "everything" before now, before me, led me to do. I was conditioned genetically to do so and by my upbringings i didnt chose either. The only recent time i felt like i "chose" something, an option between many others, is when i decided to stay with my wife and daughter, because i read the Bible. I could have gone my father's path, my brother's path -he abandoned a woman he got pregnant, then got her to abort her to settle with...another woman he got pregnant at the same time- or what most people on the internet, on here, or on many other websites paths they recommend constantly, because we all constantly embody and defend who we are, what we are, the various inherited, acquired, strategies of survival that shape our main strategy of survival we also call "identity", or "personality". We are walking sums of strategies of survival we ve been exposed to. Just like other animals are; strategies of survival with feet.
Ha! how life was so sweeter when i just got back from work, tired, feeling purified, healthier , proud, feeling like I was part of something, i was someone, there was a label on my forehead "im am this, or that" , i was "in the flow", just like many "others". I defeated people who wanted to boot me out, found allies after doing so who were looking for a leader, and so on. What we all do daily right. It was a manual job, most hated it, i liked it, enjoyed it, and as result did it better than them. As a result the boss liked me, i was an example that motivated some of the newly recruited guys. But it was only a job. We all pretended to be "friends" cause we had to earn a salary, and it didnt prevent most from trying to backstab each others daily. But at some point i found a niche,a balance, I built and developed a predictable , thus reassuring, routine.
And then one day, it ended. I felt both relieved but also sad. Cause it wasnt easy everyday, and even if i built myself a nice place, fact is this place could be removed, cancelled, destroyed at any time. And it did.
What now? The show must go on! i have to find better! to do better! to learn from mistakes, to reproduce the good without the bad, to make it even better using the best of what i learned inherited, while still and constantly trying to destroy the evil in myself. Yeah...I have to play the game... again. If you play it and are successful, then you feel happy. If you fail at joining the game, playing it, you want to die, that creeping feeling.
One day tho, it all ends once and for all, you cant fight, adapt, anymore.
