You shouldnt be envious of less intelligent people, as they suffer even more than smart people ; the spend their life wishing they could be in their shoes. In fact everyone suffers most of the time, life being a constant struggle, conflict, a constant search for balance between extremes. The only people i can think of who are truly happy in the west in the sense that they have the more fun most of their lives are rich people who work intensely; being busy , in the flow of a solide daily positive routine is true hapiness, with the help of various expensive drugs. A predictable stable fun life where you control everything, where you dominate everyone. But again, you have to be taught, conditionned, that way from the getgo by your parents. Id go as far to say that everything is conditionned by your upbringings and genetics. One 's hapiness is often at the expense of others, or by exploiting others weaknesses. But who cares, life is a giant free for all. It's all about killing with a big smile on your face. We are animals who are conscious of being animals, which means we re still, only, animals. Our only purpose is to dominate, adapt in order to survive until we reproduce and... that's about it. To this day I still strongly stand by this "personal" discovery countless of thinkers made in the past. I guess it's called growing up. You can give it a nice happy spin to the whole thing but it's only if you want to sell books and make money out of it, negating the cold truth; it's all about killing instead of getting killed at all possible and known levels. The only way to escape sadness is to sublimate yourself thru work or creative endeavours, thru positive relationships, to keep busy so you can ignore the reality as long as you can. A reality that will hit you in the face when you re old anyway. Also how comes we cant help everyone? I know i could help fat people, ugly people, get in shape, improve their looks, dumb people to get smarter, but i am powerless, it convinces me of the absurdity of life, as if wanting to create heaven on earth was scientifically, mathematically impossible. What about when you want to help someone but they backstab you?
Often when i see a fat or skinny fat woman i could help i wonder what if she falls in love with me? And isnt my will to help her a secrete, deeper desire to cheat on my wife instead? It's as if everything forced you to care, focus, only on your close relatives, family, first and foremost to reach perfection, as if extending your will to do good to others people was intrinsically impossible and unpure. I came to the conclusion that to do good for others is pointless, fake, that it's my desire to make myself feel good that is my sole motivation. That Good somehow doesnt really exist, and that only evil exists. Is evil, evil? Maybe it's good? Maybe good is evil ? maybe it's a lie , an illusion and heaven is to die, kill yourself. We are coming from nowhere, we are going nowhere, and anyway, there is no need to come or go anywhere. We are probably a mistake of evolution that is going nowhere. Well, some will survive, will adapt, they ll be less smart, more faithful, i dont know, and they ll survive as being a smart atheist automatically leads you to stop reproducing and wanting to live if you really think about it. The old depressed west is dying. Its kids kill themselves, swimming into material goods. The...confucian, indian, buddhist, christian and muslim believers from the third world slowly but surely replace them both in north america, europe, russia, australia at the same time. As they live as occidentals, they will also probably slowly abandon their beliefs and become atheists, and stop reproducing and wanting to live too. Then we will disapear, probably way before any cataclysmic random event wipes us out of the surface of that stupid rock. We re just a dumb lifeform that s doomed to extinction just like every other lifeforms. Maybe there is a need to be happy to make good use of your brains, and im simply condemned to be unhappy with my brain cause i wasnt loved and dont believe in bettering myself, bettering others. Why am i ashamed to teach my daughter how to survive? I feel weird when i teach her stuff. I feel good, and evil at the same time. Why cant i simply be happy like most people? Do we really teach our kids to kill, to dominate? My own father when i spent time with him covinced me teaching is bad, that we only teach to kill. And that we only learn to kill, and dominate. Is this the truth? I mean Im teaching my daughter to adapt to survive. Which means when to dominate -the benevolent way, showing example , being tolerant but not naive; to do so requires beliefs, values whatever their origin- when to submit -at school, let people who are better than her do things she cant do, in the interest of the group , not let her ego go in the way- when to cooperate, when to flee, when to ignore. She will need me for decades. My father somewhat convinced me i am a monster to want to live, because life is ugly, worthless. Then why is he still hanging on then? What an egocentrical self centered hypocrit.
Becareful who you listen to people. And make sure you know who they are listening to... As in any relationship someone is killing toughts in your mind, and planting new seeds or nurturing other he or she already planted there. You re also modifying the other persons thoughts. "Dont play with a young girl's heart" as michael jackson would say. I have believed in an atheist interpretation of buddhism after reading "the art of hapiness" as a teen, written by howard cutler and the dalai lama. I read it, cause my parents, step father, brother who left, all left me alone and were killing me. I found something that gave a meaning to my life. I believed for years the point of life was happiness. So without any second thoughts, i integrated all these principles, which replaced old ones, it often also simply put new ones where there was nothing. Everyone who was suposed to help me abandonned me at that time. My mother told me that as a teen i was rebelling against her and my step father, wasnt able to find success or a way to sublimate myself at school, in studies. I was always preoccupied, looking outside thru the windows, ironically mocking professors and the "tough guys" who as a result felt threatened and bullied me.
Anyway at some point i found that book , found the dalai lama interesting after seeing him on TV doing an interview. I bought the book, my mom thought it was better that nothing, normal for a teen. Then I left, she put me in an appartment cause i couldnt stay at home and i grew bigger . I didnt talk to my step father anymore so i had to go. I spent three years doing nothing in that appartment, but reading and playing video games, and, lifting weights. As i mentionned it earlier in another thread, my brother discovered weightlifting/bodybuilding/physical conditioning and left a dumbell at my parents house once. When nobody was home and i was skipping school, i started lifting the weight, thinking it was cool. Just like a monkey discovering a wood stick and suddenly, progressively realizing it could become a weapon, i started to realize it was getting me strong, bigger , and the anti depressant effect on my brain -wasnt aware, able, to understand any of these concepts at the time, it was entirely subconscious, only now do i understand what happened- got me hooked, addicted. I bought myself a computer too, and started doing music -both mother and father were into music, when they dated she was a singer, he was a drummer/guitarist/bassist, in the 70/80s- with lame ass music making softwares. At the time everything flowed freely, just programmed strategies of survival -making music is a strategy of survival to sublimate yourself and get attention from other, in fact everything that exists is strategy of survival, or it wouldnt exist- stored in my genes automatically set off by random events and opportunities in my close environment without me choosing anything. It was exciting, but, there was nobody to accompany, follow, motivate me. I was always alone. Constantly. So after a while i always abandoned everything i started, music, drawing, also my mother step father brother and father constantly played mind games around me and blindly used me depending of the day of the week to pressure others. I was cut from most people of my age at school , cause i always irritated the bullies pointing at how the manipulated others using violence and as result they always isolated me and other people would abandon me too fearing to become scapegoats just like me if associating with me.
I finally was put in an appartment, with a computer, an internet connexion (56k!). It was in the 2000s. 1999 If i remember correctly. I discovered porn, online video games, and my mother gave me money for doing nothing. My brother was sutdying and living near my appartment in his own. He and my mother were wondering what to do with me. I rejected my mother strongly at that time. I told her to get out of my fucking head. After reading the art of hapiness i realized there were good and bad thoughts going into my mind and that i had to select the good ones and prevent the bad ones from getting in. I started out of the blue to do websites using html. Brother gave me hints as he realized his diplomas were useless and he wanted to work in IT. Just as usual, everything he showed me, i got into it, and got quicker and better at it than him, which always frustrated him. At some point he stopped doing tho, probably he was jealous. So i was there, listening to music, buying food, playing video games, surfing, lifting weights, learning about it online -bb.com!- at the time i wasnt able to speak english. Only french. I also constantly got harassed by muslim bullies cause my apartment complex was in one of the no go zone/gettho of paris shittiest suburb. Just like i rebelled againt my parents, my brother, bullies at school, i started to rebel against thugs, but as i soon figured out , it could cost me my life. I kept lifting got bigger, did creatine, religously ate and lifted. I was building myself. I was existing. Living, dominating, adapting. Probably the best period of my life. Why the best, the happiest? because everything was subconscious. I was an animal who wasnt aware, conscious, of being an animal. I found a job after my brother told me my mother was REALLY REALLY scared that i was apparently doing nothing and not giving a fuck about it. They also both suggested me to not end like...my father. It was very ambiguous because my brother played a double game, listening to my mother, then to my father, then to me, often seeking advices from...me his younger brother. He was studying, but he has always been a follower, not a leader. And he loved me but also hated me, for that so i had to take everything he gave me with great care, just like i had to do with my mother and father. Fact is they were and still are lost but noone will admit it. I was selecting the influences primarily using the principles, values, filters found in that book, the art of hapiness by howard cutler. And it worked just fine. I finally found a job as an webmaster in a big corporation. It was the time of the internet start ups -9 out of 10 died since then- the internet bubble etc. I did a bullshit certification part time, while working mostof the time for the company and being peanuts. Fact is, i wasnt really working, mostly surfing 80% of the time. There were conflicts in the hierarchy, in fact i only been recruited for obscure reasons. That was my first work experience. I made a great friend; he was 2 years older than me, reminded me of my relationship with my older brother. We played games, i was the wise naive guy with big biceps who never cared really too much about anything and enjoyed most of life. One day I was sick of jerking off porn and decided i wanted the real thing. I had built a physique, i was proud of me, took greater care of my apperance with the help of my bigger brother, i felt confidant enough to fuck for real. And i was sick of being alone. At the time the online chats were the rage, and i seduced an imigrant morocan woman older than me -i was 17 she was 24.It can also be detrimental to your survival and your daily life 's stability to be frustrated and angry all the time cause your balls are full, facing similarly frustrated and angry people at work, in transportation etc. You cant win all the fights every single day, at some point you have to avoid them or you wont last long. But you also have to dominate once in a while... pretty tough to find the right receipe that fits you best. It's the work of a whole life. I didnt get my balls emptied for one week and a half two years ago (moving to another city to find a job, lots of stress), my wife appreciated the final result a lot, it 's great to do it once in a while for a change. Since then we ve reproduced the experience willingly every two or three months or so.
