How did you deal with a parent dying?

[JOHN MATRIX]

Sorry to hear that Army. I cant imagine what thats gonna be like. Just spend as much time with them as you can

[calfzilla]

I'm very curious as to what awaits me when/if this happens to me.

I'm not very close to either of my parents. I haven't spoken to dad in a year, and for mom, it's been about 6 months. I could go years without speaking to either of them if they didn't reach out and have on several occasions.

With mom, I loved her, but she changed a lot. She's not the mom who raised me, and I prefer to remember her in that way than as she is today.

With dad, he was abusive and controlling and manipulative throughout my early childhood, so I prefer not to really remember him much. We drifted apart starting in high school and never really recovered. I tried a couple of times to strike up a relationship of value, but he's really not open to talking about himself or his feelings, so there isn't much there for me. He doesn't even know when my kids birthdays are, and he and his wife (my stepmom) refuse to speak to my wife. So there's not a lot of good there worth saving. He's tried too, but neither of us seem to find common ground to connect. He's closer to my brother, which does give me peace. At least he has someone.

That said, they both made me. I wonder if I will simply watch them pass with a curiosity and general detachment, as I've watched them age these past few years. Or will my heart break for what could have been. It's possible I've already gone through that heart break phase, and there isn't much left in me for them. I won't know until I know, I suppose.

For AOO, I wish you the best my friend. I see you care deeply about your parent, and saying good-bye to someone you love forever is harder than words can describe. Let them say their peace and tell them you love them. Be with them to reassure them they will live on in you, as they drift into whatever happens next. Give them of your strength to embolden them to confront whatever may come. Give them peace by helping them know they made your life richer for being a part of it.

I'll keep this short but I have a very similar relationship with my parents. Dad was center of most of our issues and like you I was close to my mom then she changed.  I sometimes think that if they die what will I feel?  I imagine the poor relationship will make it easier in some respects. I feel I have already "mourned" for the people they were and the relationship with them that never will be.

    Army of One sorry to hear about all of this. I don't know what to say other than stay positive around your parent and lean on your faith or religion. I'm an atheist but that even helps me when thinking of death and dying. We are all organisms that are born and die, it's quite natural. The world was fine before I got here and will be fine when I'm gone.

[Primemuscle]

I'm very curious as to what awaits me when/if this happens to me.

I'm not very close to either of my parents. I haven't spoken to dad in a year, and for mom, it's been about 6 months. I could go years without speaking to either of them if they didn't reach out and have on several occasions.

With mom, I loved her, but she changed a lot. She's not the mom who raised me, and I prefer to remember her in that way than as she is today.

With dad, he was abusive and controlling and manipulative throughout my early childhood, so I prefer not to really remember him much. We drifted apart starting in high school and never really recovered. I tried a couple of times to strike up a relationship of value, but he's really not open to talking about himself or his feelings, so there isn't much there for me. He doesn't even know when my kids birthdays are, and he and his wife (my stepmom) refuse to speak to my wife. So there's not a lot of good there worth saving. He's tried too, but neither of us seem to find common ground to connect. He's closer to my brother, which does give me peace. At least he has someone.

That said, they both made me. I wonder if I will simply watch them pass with a curiosity and general detachment, as I've watched them age these past few years. Or will my heart break for what could have been. It's possible I've already gone through that heart break phase, and there isn't much left in me for them. I won't know until I know, I suppose.

For AOO, I wish you the best my friend. I see you care deeply about your parent, and saying good-bye to someone you love forever is harder than words can describe. Let them say their peace and tell them you love them. Be with them to reassure them they will live on in you, as they drift into whatever happens next. Give them of your strength to embolden them to confront whatever may come. Give them peace by helping them know they made your life richer for being a part of it.

My mom used to say to me when she'd made me really mad at her, "You may not like me, but I am the only mother you have." She was right about that and wrong about a lot of other stuff. I miss her. She died over 30 years ago.

[cephissus]

i log on getbig.

[Wiggs]

The best you can do is speak with them.

Reminisce about the best times in life together and express your true emotions.

Let them know how much you care for them and how much they've meant in your life.

Thank them for their hard work and overall efforts in your upbringing.

Ask them to tell you where they think you can improve.

Allow them to get everything off their chest that has haunted them throughout life, regardless of it involving you or not.

Listen, listen and listen some more.

Make sure to make them laugh and laugh with them.

Last, but not least, say I love you and hold their hands during the final moments.

"1"

Excellent post.

[dustin]

Great advice in this thread.

My parents are very young (early 40's) but my step dad is dying. I don't have advice, but I can empathize and extend my condolences. And if you want to shoot the shit about anything whatsoever, feel free to send me aPM. I don't know if I can give you any tips, but I can lend an ear at the very least.

I hope you get through this as gracefully as one can. I guess we all go through this at some point, but that fact alone doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there, bro.

[Tapeworm]

I am so sorry to read this. Hugs

x10!!!


Sad to hear, db.  I guess you give what comfort you can and honor the memory by living well.  It's natural and inevitable so don't go off the deep end or anything.

[illuminati]

Very sad news. condolences to you.
No easy answer, having been through that.
Stay strong, Talk to them, love them.
Always always remember the happy & positive Times together.

[skillion]

That sucks man......sorry to hear it.

Been there and my method for coping isn`t recommended.

Well, we know it isn't a shopping spree because you ain't go two nickels to rub together. Broke ass old man.

[Natural Man]

I will be very happy when my mother , father and brother die. My only "hope"/desire is to see them die before i do. I actually stay alive to see them die first. It motivates me every morning to wake up.

[loco]

Currently staying with a parent who has less than 48 hours to live, struggling to deal with it, hardest thing I've ever done.

VERY IMPORTANT:  Say "I love you" and give him/her a big hug while you can, if you haven't already done these.  Otherwise, not having done these will haunt you for years to come and you'll have very sad dreams about it.

[SamoanIrishman]

..just wanted to add. I work with wounded vets at local meetings at the VA. Like me most have been blown up or lost buddies or both. If you just need to fucking talk shit out man, especially if you get dark hit me up man via PM or something.  I've dealt with a lot of death these last 4 years. Lost 3 friends and a cousin just in the last 2yrs to suicide.

[T-REX007]

Try to remember love NEVER DIES, IT GETS STRONGER !
You will always have the memories, the good times, the laughs, the jokes, all the experiences that made the relationship special.
As time goes on it will get easier - I mean you will be able to deal with it through the great memories and experiences that you will consistently re-live the rest of your life. Be sure of this, life does go on, it's different for people everywhere, but it does go on through memories and thoughts at the very least.
Honor them by remembering all the good times and lessons learned, that is what they would want

[Icelord]

By purchasing champagne the day it finally happens. Unfortunately the reaper is stuck in traffic. 

[wes]

Well, we know it isn't a shopping spree because you ain't go two nickels to rub together. Broke ass old man.

You even have to be a fuckup in a thread like this huh?

Says all I need to know about you.

[Hypertrophy]

The best you can do is speak with them.

Reminisce about the best times in life together and express your true emotions.

Let them know how much you care for them and how much they've meant in your life.

Thank them for their hard work and overall efforts in your upbringing.

Ask them to tell you where they think you can improve.

Allow them to get everything off their chest that has haunted them throughout life, regardless of it involving you or not.

Listen, listen and listen some more.

Make sure to make them laugh and laugh with them.

Last, but not least, say I love you and hold their hands during the final moments.

"1"

I did exactly this with my own father a year ago. Best advice on here. it does make you feel better, and your parent as well. My dad told me so.