http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/sex_news_sports_funny_grok/the_dead_pool_2003Blonde Boomerang
Blonde is only 26, but has just burst upon the national-level scene as the next big thing and Great White Hope. In bodybuilding today, it’s rare for any man to reach pro status before age thirty, but Mr. Boomerang has accelerated the course of his ambition.
Just three years ago he was competing at a weight of 210 pounds, but he now weighs over 250 on stage. That ain't from using creatine, folks! There's a saying that you can’t rush a great body, but those in the know are aware that with enough drugs, hard training, and good eatin’, you sure can speed up the clock.
How safe is this "advanced placement" course of action for our young dude? Only he and his doctor know for sure, but already his face looks like a man of 36 rather than 26. Could he be shortening his life merely to be a pro-bodybuilder? Let’s hope not. All reports indicate this married guy is of solid character and has the work ethic of a Pilgrim.
Psycho Carb-up
"What in God’s name are those guys over in Europe taking?" This is the question American bodybuilding fans pose each time some new freakazoid makes his way across the Atlantic and shocks us all with a truly frightening display of overblown muscle.
At the Night of Champions this May, a gap-toothed German was the talk of the show, despite not cracking the top ten. New York City fans have embraced previous freaks like Markus Rühl and Paco Bautista, and Psycho was the favorite aberration of nature this year.
At under six feet tall and 270 pounds, this Kraut had striations in places we've never seen before, gnarly vascularity, and arms with the telltale distorted shape of Synthol. If steroid manufacturers had ads and paid bodybuilders to endorse their products, Psycho would be an excellent representative for chemical muscle enhancement.
Without knowing a thing about the man, it’s feasible to assume that quite a bit of anabolics are flowing through his veins. Some guys can take drugs and still have somewhat of a human, natural look, but this cat looks about as natural as Froot Loops.
Chico Chimichanga
Here’s another European of the freak persuasion. Chico competed three times in North America last year to mixed reviews. To some hardcore fans, his package of extreme mass and near-zero bodyfat was just what they wanted to see. In particular, his enormous quads were on par with some of the best ever developed—if you define "best" as quads so big they rub together and leave leaky sores.
But his critics, and there were many, claimed he looked more like a refrigerator, a hodgepodge of body parts seemingly slapped together by a mad scientist. Chico’s gut, when relaxed, stuck out further than his beefy chest. As for the chest itself, all you could notice was the worst case of gyno seen in years. We assume he got the nasty man-boobs surgically excised since last year, but that still wouldn’t do a whole lot to ameliorate a physique that essentially gives the impression of a science experiment gone wrong (kinda like the mutated dogs you blast in Resident Evil).
With real drugs so much easier to acquire and inexpensive to purchase in several European nations (including the one where Chico lives), it must be hard to restrain oneself from going overboard on the dosages and durations of a drug cycle. Let’s hope Mr. Chimichanga has some common sense and doesn’t let that accessibility persuade him to throw caution to the wind.
Neville Noregard
Not all of the guys in the Dead Pool are here because of steroids. Neville is the infamous party animal of pro-bodybuilding. He does have a great competitive track record in the IFBB that goes back almost a decade now, but his achievements have been eclipsed by his reputation of frequenting nightclubs and getting high on God knows what.
Who’s to say whether this is all true? If it wasn’t, it would have to be one hell of a collective conspiracy to smear his reputation, the likes of which is rarely witnessed outside the political arena. The Internet message boards are particularly brutal to Neville. As soon as one of his fans tries to sing his praises, a few guys will chime right in to dismiss him as a drug addict who's pissed his potential away and who should've been Mr. Olympia a couple of times by now.
One report claimed he was out clubbing literally hours before he was to take the stage at last year’s Olympia in Las Vegas. There are also rumors of various arrests on drug charges, but nothing has ever surfaced with conclusive evidence in the magazines. The conspiracy theory behind that is that the magazines take pity on Neville and don’t want to drag his name any further down into the gutter than it already is.
If indeed Neville has a serious problem with recreational drugs, we hope he seeks treatment and kicks the addiction. Of the various physiques in today’s pro-bodybuilding, his is one of the few which still has the classical X-frame with great aesthetics and a tiny waist, even at 250 pounds. He'll look awesome in his coffin.
Eugene Ebola
This is the counterpart to Neville on the opposite side of the USA. Eugene is also a reputed party animal who's supposedly bragged about the amount of a certain club drug he's able to take in one night. Is this a bunch of bull? Perhaps, but Eugene is sighted all the time at a New York City after-hours night club notorious for the percentage of patrons "rolling" on this drug.
And we can’t leave out Eugene’s steroid usage. Not so long ago he was a light-heavyweight amateur (under 198 pounds), whereas now he competes at 250. Genetically cursed with arms which just don’t want to catch up with the rest of him, he seems to be on a mission to just keep getting bigger and bigger so the flaw no longer matters.
Being a verbose man, he'll no doubt respond to his appearance in the Dead Pool. Before you fire off some heated attack on T-mag, Eugene, understand that we made your identity quite vague because all of this is hearsay.
Biff Lottiloff
Even if we used this man’s real name, it wouldn’t ring a bell to many of you. A super-heavyweight amateur, he's never made the top five in a pro qualifier in a decade of attempts.
At 5' 9", this monster weighs in at a lean 270 pounds, with a face so red and shiny you'd swear you were looking at a polished apple. Like a few others, he recently decided Synthol was the way to make a name for himself and proceeded to turn his biceps into something that closely resembled ice cream cones.
Now in his late 30’s and switching from the NPC to NABBA, we hope Biff is considering his health and longevity. After all this time, odds are that bodybuilding superstardom isn't in the cards for him, so thinking of the future should start becoming a higher priority.
Da Man
This man has been the best bodybuilder in the world for over five years now. Physique-wise, he's in a class all his own. As we write this he's planning to defend his title at roughly 285 pounds (coming down from an off-season 320), and he isn’t even six feet tall!
Just a year away from forty and having proven all he possibly could have at this point, perhaps it’s time to exit the sport gracefully as a champion and slim down. All that weight isn't healthy, whether it’s fat or muscle.
Joe Ravioli
This man has been in the Dead Pool almost every year, and now we have to put him in again. This pains us, as he's a genuinely intelligent and affable man. However, in his writings over the past year he's made mention several times of advocating fairly heavy steroid cycles that last anywhere from 16 to 24 weeks! (Most experts agree eight weeks "on" is plenty.)
Joe guest poses year-round and he's equally big and ripped at each appearance. This suggests that his own cycles may stretch far longer than even the high end of 24-weeks he recommends. Since there are a couple months in between the Nationals and the spring pro shows, we really hope he takes that time every year and gives his poor body a break from all the gear.
Shiver Schmidt
This man isn’t even a competitive bodybuilder. He's achieved some degree of notoriety by publishing an obscure magazine, having his own supplement company, and promoting himself as one of the biggest and strongest men who's ever lived. All well and good, but get this: Shiver is 6' 1" and carries 400 pounds on his strained frame!
Though he swears up and down his bodyfat level is around ten percent (and he stays covered up to conceal the truth), his bloated face and enormous gut make us think it’s more like twenty percent or better. Shiver is seen at some of the major contests and sweats profusely at all times, even in cool temperatures and standing still.
Being a very well-educated man, Shiver has said on his website that his own personal choice is to indefinitely cycle steroids eight weeks on, four weeks off. Whether this is any healthier than other drug protocols is up for debate, but what isn't arguable is that weighing 400 pounds is very dangerous. That poor heart must be working like a sonofabitch to pump blood through his humongous body.
Several other men of this size have died young of heart attacks. Shiver, if you read this, please don’t be another one.
Brent Razor
Our last entry in the 2003 Dead Pool is a wrestling superstar more famous to the general public than all the others combined. A young man still far away from thirty, he has all the dead giveaways of steroid and GH abuse: growth of the brow and jaw, a face that's always beet-red, and a hulking body loaded with over 300 pounds of beef.
Unlike bodybuilding, wrestling has no off-season whatsoever. Brent is obligated to maintain this jacked-up look 365 days a year, and you know what that entails. Several well-known wrestlers have died recently, so bodybuilders are clearly not alone in their risky use of anabolics.
