Had unresolved issues as a kid I later found out.I was molested/felt up by our parish priest when I was about 11-12.I hid it deep down inside,me n my buddy only got groped n whatnot,the other kid we didn't really know but we're sure he got tampered with.we all went to different schools n he hung himself his senior year.
I was severely introverted,always the kid being beat up on.got into kick boxing in my sophomore year n actually did quite well.went to trade school after graduation but couldn't find the right pay so me n a good friend took the NJ Dept of Corrections test,passed it number 13 in the state outta a few thousand, I always had book smarts so that panned out lol.into my 2nd year there I got heavily involved in weightlifting and instantly became an attraction to a lot of women at work n the gym.
Now mind you I had my HS sweetheart and was introverted as I said earlier so the sudden attention I got was more than I could handle.I was only 19-20 when I got out of the academy into a world of heavy drinkers,gamblers and womanizers which I became instantly.I could honestly say now that women/porn could've been my first true addiction.
Met an older woman who I started training,slept together,eventually left my gf for her and couldn't handle the immense guilt so I began drinking heavily,black out binge drinking turned into every day affairs for me.plus the woman I left my gf for was of all things a nurse so xanax was available by the ton,Percs,you name it.then my partner of 3yrs ate his .40cal with black talon hollow points right after we had been drinking.I blamed myself for years for his death but that's another story lol...this one's long enuff.
Eventually I moved from just drinking n xanax to trying dope I'd find on inmates that I didn't wanna ruin their go home dates so I turned some in,took some home.tried it n didn't like it...but that's how it sneaks up on you.you're looking to find what the big deal is n when you find it it's game over,lights out.in a year I went from sniffing a few bags on weekends to shooting all I could.
Went thru my $60,000 I had squirreled away for my early retirement,went to my first of many rehabs,left that woman,got back with my honey,engaged n married.exactly one week after I was married I was arrested for nodding out in my car in my uniform pants.the sound of those cuffs was deafening.I watched my shore house grow wings n fly,my boat sink n my hand built Harley go bye bye.
I continued this and even worse for years.my beautiful wife met someone when I went to my 3rd long term rehab n that too fueled my inner rage.I stayed clean but not for long.it wasn't until I was diagnosed as having a full blown nervous breakdown compounded with PTSD from my childhood with the dirtwad guy we called "father".I know,long winded story n I apologize but it's do hard to sum up what caused it,what fueled the fire,how I've survived even with 2 heavy overdoses,one where I was seconds from being a DOA.they gave me two shots of nar can,the first EMT said bag him n tag him.I still remember hearing them speak,I wanted to scream but couldn't. gives me the chills thinking about this now...
I've also been contemplating writing a book about my experiences from both sides of the fence,both sides of the tracks.how I'm alive with no known diseases like AIDS or Hepatitis C I can only attest to God.I've shot dope directly behind someone that told me he had the full blown virus but when you're that sick you don't care.that was almost 16yrs ago n my last test last year is proof someone up there loves me.sounds corny I know especially in the BBing realm where there's so many atheists but I know what saved me.
I've struggled my entire adult life n just coming off another two year hellacious run when everything was going so good despite my gf of 8yrs,my best friend, leaving me due to my unresolved anger issues.I'm now good friends with my ex wife,came to terms n forgave Father Feel Up and pray I can get my ass back to the gym at 47,get back on my cycles n show up these youngins as I'm warming up with their max out weights lol.
Sorry for being long winded,I know it's a loooong ass story,just try n look at addicts in a different light.not all are scumbags although a lot even I'd shoot thru the dome piece.
