to be honest i'm in a bit of full-on meltdown mode right now
today was an epic "cheat day":
meal 1:
~3/4 lb leftover steak, some in "steak omelette" form
1 packet "oat fit" cinnamon swirl oatmeal in almond milk
meal 2:
1 packet quaker banana nut oatmeal in almond milk
2 instant coffee in almond milk
2 T peanut butter
At this point I got that familiar feeling... "uhhh shit, only 500 calories left for the day. Well, I did hit yet another all time low weight yesterday..." (166 lbs btw
)
HERE COMES THE CHEATING!
about 1/2 of a gigantic fucking bean casserole i made earlier this week (beans, bechamel, pork rib / brisket, bread crumb topping)
4/5 pint "full tilt" peanut butter and jelly ice cream
about 1-2 servings of each candy:
- reese's peanut butter eggs
- whopper eggs
- butterfinger eggs
- russel stover white chocolate eggs
- one russel stover cookie dough egg
- 1-2 each of four-five different flavors of girl scout cookies
- twizzlers green apple "grass"
- applets and cotlets
- hershey's peppermint / white chocolate bar
- hershey's peppermint kisses
- handful of jelly beans
meal 3:
~1 or 2 servings sphaghetti with creamy marinara
~1.5 cups "sweet home farm" almond french vanilla granola (my favorite) in almond milk
I'm really trying to find a way to make 2000 calories work for me... studying all the effects as I differ the variables. mostly testing different macros and distribution of calories over the day.
I'm not sure if I can keep this up long term. These "cheat days" have allowed me to really notice a huge shift in:
- mood
- types of thoughts
- decision making
More specifically, I find myself:
- wracked with worry
- unable to enjoy entertainment, e.g. playing a videogame, reading a book, or watching a movie
- unsociable
- risk-averse, e.g. unwilling to take on stressful assignments at work
- always imagining worse-case scenarios
How much of these effects can be attributed to my diet, as opposed to other factors, I can't say of course. However, that's what I aim to learn. To give an interesting example... today, immediately after binging on the ice cream and candy:
1. I immediately struck up conversation with my roommate. Previously, I felt nothing but hostile thoughts toward him. I also imagined he was angry with me. As it turns out, we had a very friendly conversation and he didn't claim to feel any animosity. Not surprising -- he's very carefree in general.
2. Recently, I've made a point to "relax" on Sundays -- play videogames, read books, go for walks, and aggressively stamp out all the usual worries (long term goals, etc.). After a jam-packed week where I'm typically held to my responsibilities from the moment I wake up (5:10 AM) to an hour before bed (8:00 PM), I believe I may need to force myself to take a break in order to avoid a complete mental meltdown.
Anyway, while I was able to play the game prior to binging, I barely enjoyed myself at all. I had a "hollow" feeling, got very frustrated by setbacks, played poorly, and felt like rushing through. Basically, I was only concerned with how much progress I was making -- I probably would have been perfectly happy if the game was just 10 seconds long and gave me a big "YOU WIN!" message after I ran to the far end of an empty corridor.
After eating, I had drastically more focus, played far better, and enjoyed myself.
3. Ordinarily, I spend a lot of time thinking about how many calories I have left to eat, how I should spend them, how much of any particular worry can be attributed to lack of food, either directly, e.g. as it effects my mood, or indirectly, as it effects my ability to function effectively and solve problems, thereby removing myself from stressful situations.
I often think this eating strategy may be sustainable in the sense that I won't actually die or anything, but it incurs a high "mental overhead". After binging, I feel like I can do many tasks (even very simple ones, like sweeping the floor or posting on getbig) which beforehand seemed too much work. I feel optimistic. I feel like talking to people and taking action on my long term plans.
As a result, I worry that the "2000 calorie limit" strategy is locking me into a colorless and limited life, where I like the way I look, but am controlled by worry and mentally incompetent.
Nonetheless, I'll continue to experiment. I feel both binging and starving put me into a delusional state (--some of the things I think I can accomplish right after eating a pint of ice cream, lol...--), that is to say, a "weak" mental state. I need to find a better way. If I can't attain it on 2k calories, I may have to sacrifice the leanness, which is the only thing keeping me attached to the "bodybuilding" identity at this point.
Interesting times ahead...
Stopped cooking?
Really like your cuisine.
How much do you spend per week on cooking your own food?
Thanks.
Maybe 700-800 on average. At times as high as 1200 or as low as 400. These days I suspect 500-600, now that I'm putting my energy elsewhere.
