More on that topic -
"You guys are somewhat right but it is incredibly complicated and something I have been trying to figure out myself for the last ten years. A big part of it is that even at 5 years old I knew that if I told people (my parents mostly) how I felt it wouldn't be received well. Plus I was taught from a young age what a "man" was supposed to be and tried very hard to live up that. Add in the fact that I grew up in a small rural town with very close minded views on what you're supposed to be and I learned very early on to hate myself for feeling the way I did.
I struggled with tons of shame and guilt for my feelings and fought against them as hard as I could. The worst part was that I was terrified of what would happen if anyone ever found out how I felt, so I struggled through everything alone. This was of course before the internet so I didn't even know what to call how I felt or that anyone else in the world felt the same way. I felt like a freak, broken, alone, and unlovable and these are still things I sometimes struggle with even now.
Why get into lifting? Even though I had these constant desires to be female I was also always fascinated with strength. I was naturally very small and skinny and got bullied some when I was jr high. I felt vulnerable and afraid and hated it. Lifting was a way to take control and feel safe. Plus I harbored feelings of being less than everyone else because I was different so I was constantly trying to win at everything I did so I wouldn't feel like less. I reasoned that if I could beat people at their own game they would be unable to look down on me. I was also naturally athletic and competitive so sports and lifting became my passion and my source of strength.
I did feel at odds with how my body changed and how I looked but it made my life so much easier and I always enjoyed winning. Plus it became a security blanket that I feared to let go of. Add in a natural tendency to want to please everyone else more than myself and you can see how I pursued powerlifting as a passion. I do love lifting, competing, and always will but it has put me at odds with who I am on the inside. It has become the self I have created to survive competing with the self that I really am. And to be honest at this point in my life both aspects of my personality have value to me. ".
And -
" First, I do not by any means consider myself a hero. To me that word is reserved for people that risk their lives to save others. But this is not something I have ever wanted people to know and I have never pushed this in anyone's face. I only told my close family and friends but word got out and if people asked me I was honest about it.
The entire reason this got out in the powerlifting community is because a long time ago someone tried to out me after unsuccessfully trying to get me to do something that I wasn't comfortable with. They posted all over forums, called my hometown newspaper, gossip websites, you name it. I didn't comment on any of it and just let it blow over.
And I didn't start this thread or know about it until a friend of mine informed me of it. The only reason I commented was to dispel inaccurate rumors and because I feel a responsibility to be honest to help educate misinformed people so that it's better for everyone. Trust me I would have very much preferred to live my life in anonymity but that is no longer an option. " .
