Can You Top This Story?

[Parker]

This had me rolling.

That brings me to another of DMCVegas’ Storytime Stories...

Background: Years ago when I first started working for the local cable company in Las Vegas, I had 2nd shift and had to share a desk with another coworker. I’ll go by his initials, JP. JP was a very rotund fellow just shy of about 500 lbs., and was 6'4", balding, with a goatee, molester glasses, the same clothes everyday, and waddled around like a human bowling pin. I don’t want to make fun of his for his weight, as that is wrong. BUT, he was an abusive, sexually harassing, righteous, twice-divorced jackass. I have PLENTY of stories about this guy for the nasty things he did to other people at work, but to give you a feeling of how this guy was, the first time we met and I cheerily introduced myself, he then spent the next 20 minutes telling me about how this was a “good day”, and ventured back to how when his first wife left him, he hid in the closet for almost 3 days sniffing her clothes as he uncontrollably wept into them. First conversation ever. I wanted to like him as I want to be a nice person, but this man did everything he ever could to alienate anyone who ever tried to help him. Which is why he died alone of sleep apnea.

But that’s not the story I have.

JP and I shared a cubicle between different shifts. And this was many years ago using Windows 98 on network accounts that did not use roaming profiles. So, you had to share a common folder of Bookmarks between users. To which I only kept work-related items. Everytime I would log in, I would proceed to clean up the links. Because he would refuse to even keep them in a separate folder. Tons of links to LDS-centered dating sites, singles sites, message boards, you name it. THEN we had all of the mail order bride sites, email sites, game sites, ALL of this nonsense that I didn’t want to see, let alone keep cluttering up my bookmarks. Moving them into a separate folder didn’t help. He’d move them back. So I’d delete them. Then it started getting even worse. He installed AOL Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, Real Player, WinAmp, and a couple of others that I can’t even remember.

Every time I logged in at the beginning of my shift, I would casually take the time to delete the bookmarks. But once he started installing the other crap that was popping up and prompting me for login info, I started uninstalling the software too. It would take a while, sure. But I’d get it done a couple of hours into my shift in between calls and breaks. I think a couple of times another coworker who had to put up with him even installed the applications with vastly different language options, like German, and Japanese.

He also had a picture of his daughter on his desk, whom I did not care to look at. I don’t like other people’s family just staring at my ass. So, I’d casually just turn the photo around, or place it face down. Nothing rude, just getting it out of my face.

Apparently this got to be too much for him. So at the beginning of every shift in the call center, he’d put his phone into “Research” for at least 20 minutes while he restored each and every single link, and then downloaded, reinstalled, and rebooted every piece of software. Two weeks this went on until a supervisor confronted him and asked him what was going on. And then he told him that he was “having” to reinstall all the software, links, etc. Keep in mind that all the work-related stuff was left intact. He blamed “others” while looking right at me, and angrily whined in between labored huffs of breath, that his bookmarks and software was constantly being removed. AND that his family pictures were being moved around.

Since the pictures were not damaged, and the work links were fine, the supervisor saw nothing wrong, and urged him to log in and get to work. JP was not happy about this and went off on a tirade...which our supervisor cut him off from, and told him that this was not his desk, not his house, nor especially his computer. It was company property. JP was angrily frustrated, and pissed at me. But within about 20 minutes, his narcolepsy kicked-in when he fell asleep during a call with a customer, and he woke-up like nothing ever happened.

[OB1]

Boring.

[Grape Ape]

bigmikecox topped this in his first two stories just the other day.

[Royalty]

"Molester glasses" 

Sniffing his wife's clothes while crying 

[_aj_]

Zero pussy nets this story zero points.

[Parker]

Zero pussy nets this story zero points.

A twice divorced narcoleptic, who stayed in his first wife's closet for almost 3 days, just to sniff her clothes and cry? And he dies of sleep apnea? This has to garner some sort of pointage?

[OB1]

A twice divorced narcoleptic, who stayed in his first wife's closet for almost 3 days, just to sniff her clothes and cry? And he dies of sleep apnea? This has to garner some sort of pointage?

Ok.
0.1 pts.

[Parker]

Ok.
0.1 pts.

[TuHolmes]

It's definitely a sad story overall.

[OB1]

No crime, no sex, no hot girls, no fun...

[BlackMetallic]

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,

Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.

Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m not Jack London.

I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.

As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.

I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.

And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.

I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.

It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again asshole? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:

1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.

As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:

What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f0ck up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp


No it's not ok.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

F*ck off back to Austria.



Biggrin

[OB1]

I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake.

LOL!

[Bosch]

k, here is a story

[sync pulse]

[doriancutlerman]

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

*snip*

That was a riot.  The diagram at the end put it over the top

[Dave D]

*snip*

That was a riot.  The diagram at the end put it over the top

Agreed.

Probably a bad idea just removing the light on his own at first though...

[BB]

This was another fun exchange -


.

Darn, click the link as it opens full size -

http://keboch.wordpress.com/2008/11/09/please-accept-this-spider-as-payment/ .

[TuHolmes]

This was another fun exchange -

This one was actually funny.