Classic Post
11:33pm: Finish your shift at Hooter's. Hang out in the locker room with the other orange short clad waitresses and debate about what is worse about being a Hooter's waitress: Smelling like a combination of draft beer and buffalo wing sauce at the end of the night or the fact that it's becomming more of a family place instead of a frat guy place.
11:44pm: Count your tips. $87. Roll your eyes and mumble under your breathe how much you hate the jealous #### hostess because she gives you shit customers. Laugh to yourself because of her horrible boob job. Wonder if she knows that you know that her boyfriend is like sOOooo cheating on her anyway. Think to yourself how fantabulous your life is.
11:47pm: Text your weed hook-up. " hey u got a dime i can meet u later " Put on your clubby clothes and cake on the Victoria's Secret Dream Angels Heavenly mist spray to camoflauge the scent of Bud Light and Buffalo Chicken. Head over to RiNo just down the street.
12:03am: Stop at Coyote Ugly first for a few shots to " warm up ". Give the rotund bouncer at the door a fake smile and be sure to wiggle your ass when you move past him to show him what he never has a chance with and what he is missing.
12:14am: Order 3 Jager Bombs. Slug them down like a champ. Listen to the sound of the dude's, bro's, joe's and schmoes as they High 5 eachother in awe of your ability to shoot liquor. Barge past them and give them a snouty look on your way out. Afterall, you like Juicehedz. No frat guys.
12:27am: Try to cut in the front of the line at RiNo. As the big black bouncer stops you from just walking in tell him that he must not realize that you like totally work at Hooter's. Be suprised that he doesn't care nor mind. Try to negotiate getting in by promising him an extra dozen wings and a large Orange Fanta. For Free. Get "street" with him when he still denies you enterance. Storm off in a tirade as you tell him that you didn't want to go in that "ghetto ass club" anyway.
12:55am: Walk down the street to Club Karma. Stand in line knowing your role. Text your weed hook-up and tell him where you are and offer an extra $20 if he brings it to you.
1:10am: Go inside and scan the room. Look for juicehedz. Wonder where all the muscle guys you are friends with on Facebook are at. Order 3 shots of Petron and hit the dance floor and shake your laffy taffy to Missy Elliot's "Party People". Meet a couple Bro's and accept their drinks. Tell them how much you love Cosmos since you are like so a Sex & The City girl. Brag to them that you're doing " a show " in 5 weeks because that's why you look so good.
2:10am: Meet your weed hook-up outside. Jump in his car and give him $40 for the dime. Drive around downtown Chicago and you spark the J. Tell them how much you hate your slutty co-workers and how you are like gonna so totally rock at the local regional NPC show and how he should come. Remind him how you will earn a Pro Card at that show and how cool it will be that he sells weed to like a PRO ATHLETE.
2:57am: Head back to your car. Give him a half kiss on the lips/cheek because you placed this sap in the Friend Zone a long time ago. Tell him you are going home because you have cardio in the morning. Talk about how hard it is to diet and get ready for the show. Tell him.. "like, $10,000" when he asks what you win. Get out of his car. Wonder the hell you do actually win. Wonder how much money you get for 2nd place. Just in case.
3:21am: Get a text from your girl who is doing Figure at the same show you are doing. " just ate a ton of penut butter Sad " . Ignore her and think to yourself why that's bad. Think to yourself how weird she is about like, going to the gym and like, not eating good foods. Wonder how much it must suck to be her.
3:40am: Stop at local burrito joint before they close at 4am. Run inside and order a Grande El Pollo. Make sure the cook loads the sour cream on. Remind him to throw in extra avacado since you heard someone say that avacado is good for "healthy fats". Wonder how fat can be healthy. Wonder why people are so dumb. Order a large orchata and head home.
4:06am: Go inside and plop down on your bed. Throw your tips in your thong drawer since you're saving for that big trip to Cancun with your girls. Wonder why 3 of the 5 girls you are going to Cancun with blocked you from Facebook. Dismiss them as jealous bitches. Inhale your Grande El Pollo burrito. Think to yourself how "Paco" didn't give you enough sour cream. Wonder what that cook's name actually is. Probably "Paco". Smile to yourself recognizing how good it feels to be bad. Like Willa Ford. Willa Ford rocks!
4:30am: Take 3 Lipo-6 Hers capsules because it will, like burn the fat while you sleep. Throw on your Victoria Secret PINK jammies. Lay in bed watching infomercials. Wonder if The Gazelle actually works. Tell yourself how you would so hire Tony Little to be your trainer.. and shopping BFF.
6:08am: Lay in bed and wonder why the hell you can't ever fall asleep. Blame the burrito. Bet it is because the burrito like does something to your body if you eat it so late that keeps you up. Wonder how late Wendy's stays open until. Remind yourself to stop there tomorrow instead. Besides, that loser" Paco " probably likes you anyway. He is like sOOoo not a juicehed and he serves FOOD. Only like, losers do that.
11:18am: Wake up. Check missed calls. 0. Check missed texts. 2 Inbox. Roll your eyes as you read " do u think i am fat " text from your Figure girl friend and smile as you read the text " lets go shopping! " Log onto Facebook. Tell the world you are going shopping for bikini's for your show. Think about how much your life is going to change when you get your Pro Card next month at the local regional NPC show. Think about how many thing you'll be able to buy with your winnings.
12:45pm: Skip breakfats and skip lunch because you're trying to lose 3lbs not gain 3lbs. Wonder why your Figure friend eats so much. Bet to yourself that she's a closet bulimic.
1:08pm: Drive past Gold's Gym on your way to the mall. Wonder to yourself what the inside of a gym actually looks like. Remind yourself to walk inside of one of those places one day. When you have more time.
1:37pm: Wander through the mall like a girl on a mission. Tell yourself you are ONLY getting a couple bikini's for your show.
2:58pm: Struggle with your car keys as you walk back to your car with various bags from Fredricks of Hollywood, Neiman Marcus and Victoria's secret in your left hand and a Oreo Supreme shake from Baskin Robbins in the other hand. Head over to your 4pm shift at Hooter's.
4: 06pm: Clock In at your Hooter's job. Notice there is a new girl on her first day. Smile to yourself because you know you're gonna check this bitch and show her who the Queen B is up in here. Text your weed hook-up and tell him you need another dime for later.
4:11pm: Get stuck in the far southwest corner of the restraunt with the small tables and least amount of tv's. Wonder why that heffer hostess is always trying to mess with your life. Dismiss the fact that the 4 other girls arrived 15 minutes ahead of time. Feel a certain amount of clarity as you know that as soon as you get your PRO CARD next month you are bouncin' out this bitch and all these mark ass bitches can kiss your ass!
Goes well with the one I wrote with Blockhead's blessing....
Day In The Life Of A Supplement Company Owner6:00AM - Wake up and tip toe out of your bedroom so you don't wake up your wife as you're still aching from the last double underhook facebuster she gave you last month. Walk into the bathroom and dump enough hair gel to paint an entire fence. Kiss the mirror and tell yourself that its good to be me
6:30AM Hop On your treadmill for an hour while texting, facebooking, twittering, instagraming, snapchatting, myspacing, and youtubing how great your company is and how rich you're getting. Add dollar sign emoticons to every post to let fans know you're serious.
7:30AM - Turn on to your 486 SX computer while eating your breakfast of fried spam and ramen noodles. Curse at the 30 minute time it takes to load your pirated copy of Windows 95. Put a reminder in your phone to drop by the Goodwill next week to see if you can get a better one that also doesn't smell like stale urine. Put up your web browser and go immediately to Muscle Week. Throw your glass onto the ground at the comments they are making about you. Wife wakes up and says what's all the fucking noise??? Respond quietly that one of the reptiles got loose and knocked it over. Wife yells back that you need to get to work and make some money as we're 3 months behind on the mortgage. Beg for mercy and promise that "The Deal" should go through today and we'll be fine. Rush out out of the house quickly and speed over to your facility/warehouse/tire & rim shop.
8:00AM - Pull up to your parking spot with the customized sign. Tell the homeless person once again to quit sleeping there and shoo him away. Wonder to yourself how nice it would be to do nothing all day stress-free instead of doing nothing all day running a giant ponzi scheme. Facebook and Snapchat yourself standing next your your customized parking sign after you finish picking up all the garbage around it.
8:30AM - Walk into the office and greet your secretary. Ignore her pleas about not getting paid in 3 weeks and simply tell her that you have to "pay your dues" if you want to be successful in the bodybuilding and fitness industry.
8:35 - 11:00AM Spend the next 2 1/2 hours performing your social media tricks from spamming forums and blogs until your personal barber come in to give you a weekly haircut. Accept your barber's generous offer of getting a free moustache trim along with your haircut. Barber then produces a straight-edge blade and holds it under your neck and whispers in your ear that the next time he gets a bad check that it will be the closest shave you'll ever get in your life. Hastefully pull out a wad of hundred dollar bills and tell him that it will never happen again while he moves that blade back and forth across your face. Breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves and run into the bathroom to change shorts as you've had a protein powder accident during the encounter.
2:00-4:00PM Perform your usual book cooking, moving money from one account to another to avoid overdrafts, filling out applications for new loans and credit cards, and pleading with various banks to refinance your mortgage for the 5th time.
5:00PM - Get your daily visit from your cousin Billy who is not exactly right in the head. Yell at him once again that he needs to sell supplements instead of giving them away even though your Amino Nitro 300 pills are nothing more wheat filler and xanthan gum. Order him into the broom closet against his wishes as he doesn't like playing the game of doctor. Tell yourself that your cousin benefits from getting regular prostate examinations.
5:30PM - Zip your pants up and hastefully push your cousin out the door while your secretary nods her head in disgust at you "practicing medicine without a license" once again. Question your secretary for a report on how many orders came in today?? Secretary ask you're wanting the "supplement orders" or the "Minute Maid" orders. Respond sarcastically with the god damn supplement orders you stupid bitch. Beads of sweat fall from your head when you hear the number 8. Demand the secretary to order more Minute Maid so we can catch up on the bills. Ignore her pleas once again regarding her pay and tell her that you've worked for the No.1 bodybuilding magazine in the world without pay for 7 years and look where I ended up. Point to your 3rd and 6th place NPC National trophies to justify your success.
7:00PM: Storm into the gym wearing your hood carrying your giant gym bag with your 2% Jug. Scan your card and attempt to enter however the desk clerk tells you that your gym membership was cancelled due to non-payment. Demand to speak to the manager. Wait 15 minutes on the couch until a police officer comes to the front door and waves you over. Drive away very slowly and carefully after being raped in the ear by the police officer about paying bills, trespassing, and banned from property.
8:00PM: Pull out your Bowflex from the garage. Weep slowly while pulling the cords across your chest and back.
9:00PM: Wife asks how was your day?? Tell her that "The Deal" didn't go though but it would tommorrow. Spit blood from your mouth as your wife punches you in face and scream like that Hooter's girl in Blockhead's story "Day In The Life Of A Bikini Computer" while your wife executes her finishing move "the double underhook facebuster" on you. Black out from the pain and dream about being on a sunny beach in.......oh never mind what's the fucking point anyway???
9:30PM: Wake up from your temporary coma in the garage. Notice that the car is gone and assume that your hulking wife has gone out. Painfully drag yourself into the kitchen to fix your evening meal of sardines and crackers. Think about turning on your almost ancient computer but then you simply decide to call it a day. Drag yourself painfully into the bathroom and apply bandages to every cut and bruise. Leave the restroom after glaring in the mirror at your now "Unprettier" facee.
10:00PM: Crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling with the world on your shoulders. Crawl back out from your bed as your coma has made you forget to put your PJ's on. You definitely hate catching colds after all in Rhode Island right Wink. Drift off to sleep hoping for a better tommorrow and being relieved that the federal government is too fucked up to have you prosecuted.
Vince
