Vince, you mind if I try? I like to spin a yarn once and a while, here's my version.
Day In The Life Of A Locked Up Supplement Company Owner
5:00AM -
Wake up to find Jamal across way screeching that the crackers denied his parole, and his baby momma left him. He swears he's going to kill that bitch when he gets out. He clogged up his toilet, and he's waiting for the CO's (he calls them the opps) to come. I really hope the water doesn't reach over here, it's brown.
I used to live the Haagen Dazs mansion for Christ sake, fuck Rob, that sweetheart deal should've been mine. Going to catch a more little shut eye. I've learned to sleep on my back with my ass tight to the wall, no reason to make it easy for the booty goons.
6:00AM - They got me working in the kitchen since I used to be in the health and fitness industry, and they thought it would make me happy. Bitch I sold steroids, not cereal. I wonder if Palumbo's still making videos about me.... that gossipy prick.
Clang! The CO bangs a spoon against a pot, and yells at me to "stop day dreaming, we've got hungry men to feed". I hate this place, nothing works here.
7:30AM -
I finally get to eat my oatmeal. I remember when I used to eat at Mar-a-Lago, now this. It's like my buddy Chick says "Sometimes you get the elevator, sometimes you get the shaft". I told my cellie Jorge once about the rumor Chick used to get his armpits fucked for cash. Jorge mumbled something about this Chick guy being a major maricon, and then asked me if I was into that "homo shit", I decided to stop talking then.
8-11AM - Back on kitchen duty, tons of pots and pans to clean. You wouldn't believe how piggy these guys are. Today we're making chili mac for lunch, it's a mix of chili and some turkey slime they call "fart meat" because it causes the guys to really stink up the place after eating it.
11:30AM - The lunch rush is almost on. When no one is looking I take a few commercial sized Kool-Aid packets, they'll make good trade bait.
12-1:00PM -
Lunch is pretty calm. I see my man, Big Ronnie, he tells me he's got something for me, and he'll see me later. I slip him the Kool Aid as a present. I know what he's gonna give me. Just before lunch is over, disaster strikes. Splash! I accidently drop my half eaten tray of chili mac on some rap magazine the guy across from me was reading.....
"Nigga, I should fuck you up, that was the XXL with the Doja Cat pics in it, you know how hard that was to get?"
I got to think fast, the guys in here know that my money's right, but how right is the question? I told the guys the government got most of it, and they seem to believe me. A few bucks of commissary tossed out seems to be keeping me safe for right now. I promise him a few dozen honey buns in a few days, and that seems to make him happy.
As I back off, I see him licking the chili mac juice off Doja's well photographed rump.
1:30 - 3:30PM -
Clean up done. Heading out to the yard, I walk toward the pull up and dip station, no fancy supinating machines here. The yard looks pretty safe right now. I see my man Big Ronnie. I give him a pound and he tells me to huddle up for a sec, I can see him digging in his crack. He passes me a big ball of dope. I tell him it looks good before I throw it in my underwear.
"Yeah I got this new black and Asian bitch bringing it in for me, she can bag dope and break bricks with her hands! How 'bout that shit!" he says laughing. "It might smell a little, but that shit is fire."
I promise to have some money put on his books for it.
Almost time for supper, I duck into the bathroom check out my prize. I wonder if I can take a little sniffle now, but I got that AA shit later, don't want to go into that high. I still take a good look at that sweet prize, I can still smell the sweat of few assholes on it. Prison dope, what are you going to do?
I tuck it back in my boxers behind my ball sack.
3:30-6:00PM -
Time to fix supper for the animals. It's chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes. I don't know if I told you this, but they're trying not to serve anything with bones in it, Someone got shanked with a sharpened pork chop bone for stealing some flaming hot Cheetos a few weeks ago.
All I can think about is that sweet dope. I still have that asshole smell in my nose though. I asked my wife once if she could bring in some stuff from the outside for me, she told me "Good girls don't do that!". I'm like "Bitch, you already had kids, it's not like you can't fit a few things up there! It's not like I'm asking for an Iphone 7, just a flip phone and some dope that doesn't smell like ass!"
But it doesn't matter, I got the dope, and the chicken nuggets weren't that bad either.
6-7:00PM -
Time for the AA/NA meeting. I shouldn't be here, I'm a rich guy. They go around the room and have people tell their story. There's a guy that beat up his girlfriend and tore his tit, how that happens is anyone's guess. There's another guy that goes to other folks's funerals even if he doesn't know them. He says he does it to feel loved, and also the free food. He says there's nothing better than free funeral grub.
Now it's my turn, I tell them the boat story, some of the guys break out in laughs. "Boating under the influence? That's a fag crime." one of them says. Even the counselor smirks at that one, even if I didn't need that bag of dope before, I definitely need it now.
7-9:00PM -
Day's almost over and I'm so much closer to that bag of dope. I get some mail. While I'm waiting I notice a shank fall out of one guy's waist band, I wonder if I should snitch on him? Nah, too risky.
First note's from the wife, nothing new, she needs money. The guys helping her with the business are coming up short. The kids miss me, and they want new Jordans. She also hired a college kid to help her around the house. Right in the trash it goes, I don't need to think about her, the kids, or Donkey Dan, the Fixit Man.
Next up is Vince Goodrum, CSN, MFT, etc.... He's got so many titles they can't even fit on the envelope. PJ gets Genova, Big Lenny, that angry midget Cisternino, and I get Goodrum. He says he's fighting the good fight on Getbig, and that he'll make sure no one punks me on there. For a brief second I flash on one of those Getbig guys saying the CSN stood for Cock Sucking Nobody years ago, and it makes me laugh. I guess it's cool that Vince is defending me, sometimes you take friends where you can get them.
I'll make sure to send him a hoody and some protein powder when I'm out.
In the mean time, it's almost lock down, back to the dope.
9:00PM -
Dope Time. It's lock down, and I'm locked in, and not getting out. That's bad. But I'm also locked in with the dope, and that's good.
Digging at my sack never felt so nice. I wash the bag off and cut up a few fat lines. Jorge is in here with me, and I offer him some, best to keep your cellie happy. That smack really does hit, in a second I'm back at all those Arnold Classics, in all those fancy cars, in all those fancy suits.
I tell Jorge about the glory days, he digs it. He leans off the side of the bunk, and tells me to tell him about the fitness girls. I tell him about all of them, and what they'll do to get ahead. I even tell him the infamous Titus story about one of them sucking the shit off his dick.
"Yeah I could go for some of that." he says. I think he sees it's making me nervous, and starts to laugh.
"Don't worry, I won't be fucking you. At least not tonight." and turns back on to his bed.
"Lights out" calls the guard.
Fin
