In the same way that God inspired fallible men to write infallible scripture, He also inspires fallible men to pronounce infallible doctrine.
Infallible scripture? Really? The Bible is full of errors and mistakes that reflect the understanding of the men that wrote it. If it's inspired by God, then God's understanding of the world is no better than the understanding of the fallible men he supposedly inspired.
You're due for some brutal honesty, Taylor, although I doubt you have the werewithall to process anything anymore:
I shouldn't fee sorry for you; you're solely responsible for your predicament Taylor. Unlike people whose lives are shattered due to circumstances beyond their control, you destroyed your own life; or rather, your own hubris and poor decisions did.
And yet, still, I do. And that's why I'm going to tell you this:
You're wasting the precious time you have left in your only life, hoping that there's a God who will give you a new life, after this one ends. There's no God and there's no afterlife waiting for you. Stop drifting like flotsam in rough seas, in the hope that you'll end up on some golden shore. You'll just sink, as we all do eventually, into the depths.
Forget your silly, irrational and unsupported beliefs. Forget about the ancient pipe dreams you hold as Gospel. Focus on the here and the now, and try to make every moment count.