It goes something like this...........I train hard eat like a bird,get a tan,then put on orange liquid to make my tan look darker.....this is of course after shaving my entire body of all hair then I put on an oily substace so that I am shiny,then on goes a pair of panties and I prance around in an auditorium full of schmoes. 
Well there's your problem. What has always been your problem.
You need to eat like a fucking MAN! A REAL MAN!!
Like this guy, BROTHER

HULKAMANIA, BROTHER! Now poof to reverse stroke..
For the record, I would get down on my knees and worship Halo's mighty meaty quads while he flexes over me in just a thong.