Could you imagine a government ran by Coach, mass243, and The Scott?
Coach: Guys, I've called this emergency meeting because I've just clicked onto Facebook and read about an isolated incident in Glasgow, Scotland where a dog has ingested a small amount of the class-B illegal drug cannabis. This is fucking serious...do you know what’s going to happen in the US if this shit becomes available for anything other than medicinal purposes? WALLS!! THEY WILL BUILD GARDEN WALLS OUT OF IT! Dogs everywhere will be stoned; children will be getting it handed to them on Halloween! Junkie dogs and zombie kids will destroy muh free market!
Mass243: Ho-lee-fuk! He's right. That's what happened in Somalia - I seent it in a movie: walls of cannabis, gays bumming each other and looters everywhere. It was 'anarchistic' as fuck. I know hipsters (and most people generally to the right) like to argue about the philosophy of the 'mini-state', but what these classical liberals and dumbasses who embrace certain principles of anarchy don’t realise is that people like me will come along, redefine everything, throw in a few non sequiturs and then before you know it - boom! You're a banana republic!
The Scott: One such as I am inclined to agree. I don't drink, nor do I partake in smoking, and I certainly do not wish to have these 'dopes' near me when they are intoxicated and overcome with sin! What’s next? Allowing consenting adults to do what they like with their own bodies? Legalising prostitution? Blasphemy! Don’t they realise that it’s a slippery slope? Next on the agenda will be paedophilia!
Mass243: You're right. If they allow weed then what next? HEROIN!? INCEST!? Being gay used to be illegal - now look at the place!
Coach: Lol, libtard Marxists on Facebook are asking me if I've bothered to read up about any sort of 'harm principle' or know the difference between positive and negative freedoms! Do you think we should entertain the idea of looking at economic arguments for legalisation? Maybe examine Portugal, or debate whether or not it might lower crime and reduce the likelihood of addiction?
The Scott: THAT SOUNDS LIKE ISLAM!! NEXT THEY’LL BE SAYING A MURDERER CAN MURDER BECAUSE IT’S IN HIS NATURE! MY BROTHER ATTACKED MY MOTHER WHEN HE HAD THE MUNCHIES!! I DON’T NEED ANY DATA! YOU WANT EVIDENCE? LISTEN TO THE PHONE CALL RECORDING OF THE INCIDENT:
(audio plays)
Operator: Hello, 911, what service do you require?
The Scott: I suppose one such as I might be requiring the police force, and no shilly-shallying!
Operator: Excuse me, sir, could you please talk in plain English?
The Scott: Ha! Typist. Is one bamboozled by my loquacity? Well, what one such as I am asking for is a police officer to arrive and prevent my brother from murdering my mother in a drug-induced frenzy!
(background noise)
'Where's the fucking biscuits, bitch? I know you've hidden them! WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE CRISPS?! I'M STARVING!'
'AAAAAAARRHHH, He's attempting to restrict my airway! Hurry, The Scott, one such as your mother is about to expire!'
Operator: Don't worry, sir...the police are on their way. (hangs up)
Coach: Sweet baby Jesus! I’ve heard enough. Ban it. Ban everything!