A few weeks ago I was shitting blood. Took a dump in a construction site toilet (no water) and could see a ring of blood around the turd, so I concluded the leak was a few inches inside the butthole. No pain or anything, which freaked me out because hemorrhoids are supposed to hurt, right? So figured I had ass cancer or something. Turns out internal hemorrhoids are painless and totally go away on their own after a few days.
No opiates, no NSAIDS, no dental surgeries. [/getbig oneupmanship]