"I came here in a limo tonight and the licence plate was made by Felicity Huffman."
"Martin Scorsese said the Marvel films remind him of theme parks. I don't know what he's doing hanging around theme parks - he's not big enough to go on the rides."
"Knives Out has three nominations tonight. See what can happen when you don't dress people up as Cats?"
"We were going to do an In Memoriam section, but when I saw the list of people who had died this year, it wasn't diverse enough. It was mostly white people. And I thought, 'No, not on my watch.'"
"In a moment we're going to see a short clip from The Irishman. It's 88 minutes long."
"Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere, and by the end his date was too old for him."
"Lots of big celebrities here tonight. Legends. Icons. On the same table, there's Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and Baby Yoda. Oh no, that's Joe Pesci, sorry."
"Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive tweets. Luckily for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and they've no idea what Twitter is, so I got offered this gig by fax."
