Found an old flash drive with a draft copy of an article I wrote on Getbig2. Enjoy
Day In The Life Of A Supplement Company Owner
0600 Hours - Wake up and tip toe out of your bedroom so you don't wake up your wife as you're still aching from the last double underhook facebuster she gave you last month. Walk into the bathroom and dump enough hair gel to paint an entire fence. Kiss the mirror and tell yourself that its good to be me
0630 Hours - Hop On your treadmill For an hour while texting, facebooking, twittering, instagraming, snapchatting, myspacing, and youtubing how great your company is and how rich you're getting. Add dollar sign emoticons to every post to let viewers know you're serious.
0730 - Turn on to your 486 SX computer while eating your breakfast of fried spam and ramen noodles. Curse at the 30 minute time it takes to load your pirated copy of Windows 95. Put a reminder in your phone to drop by the Goodwill next week to see if you can get a better one that also doesn't smell like stale urine. Put up your web browser and go immediately to Getbig2 Throw your glass onto the ground at the comments they are making about you. Wife wakes up and says what's all the fucking noise??? Respond quietly that one of the reptiles got loose and knocked it over. Wife yells back that you need to get to work and make some money as we're 3 months behind on the mortgage. Beg for mercy and promise that "The Deal" should go through today and we'll be fine. Rush out out of the house quickly and speed over to your facility/warehouse/auto repair shop.
0800 - Pull up to your parking spot with the customized sign. Tell the homeless person once again to quit sleeping there and shoo him away. Wonder to yourself how nice it would be to do nothing all day stress-free instead of doing nothing all day running a giant ponzi scheme. Facebook and Snapchat yourself standing next your your customized parking sign after you finish picking up all the garbage around it.
0830 - Walk into the office and greet your secretary. Ignore her pleas about not getting paid in 3 weeks and simply tell her that you have to "pay your dues" if you want to be successful in the bodybuilding and fitness industry.
0835 - 1100 : Spend the next 2 1/2 hours performing your social media tricks from spamming forums and blogs until your personal barber come in to give you a weekly haircut. Accept your barber's generous offer of getting a free moustache trim along with your haircut. Barber then produces a straight-edge blade and holds it under your neck and whispers in your ear that the next time you give me a bad check that it will be the closest shave you'll ever get in your life. Hastefully put out a wad of hundred dollar bills and tell him that it will never happen again while he moves that blade back and forth across your face. Breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves and run into the bathroom to change shorts as you've had a protein powder accident during the encounter.
1200-1400 : Perform your usual book cooking, moving money from one account to another to avoid overdrafts, filling out applications for new loans and credit cards, and pleading with various banks to refinance your mortgage for the 5th time.
1500 : Get your daily visit from your cousin Billy who is not exactly right in the head. Yell at him once again that he needs to sell supplements instead of giving them away even though they are nothing more wheat filler and xanthan gum. Order him into the broom closet against his wishes as he doesn't like playing the game of doctor. Tell yourself that your cousin benefits from getting regular prostate examinations.
1530: Zip your pants up and hastefully push your cousin out the door while your secretary nods her head in disgust at you "practicing medicine without a license" once again. Question your secretary for a report on how many orders came in today?? Secretary ask you're wanting the "supplement orders" or the "Minute Maid" order. Respond sarcastically with the god damn supplement orders you stupid bitch. Beads of sweat fall from your head when you hear the number 8. Demand the secretary order more Minute Maid so we can catch up on the bills. Ignore her pleas once again regarding her pay and tell her that I worked for the No.1 bodybuilding magazine in the world without pay for 7 years without pay and look where I ended up. Point to your 3rd and 6th place NPC National trophies to justify your success.
1700: Storm into the gym wearing your hood carrying your giant gym bag with your 2% Jug. Scan your card and attempt to enter however the desk clerk tells you that your gym membership was cancelled due to non-payment. Demand to speak to the manager. Wait 15 minutes on the couch until a police officer comes to the front door and waves you over. Drive away very slowly and carefully after being raped in the ear by the police officer about paying bills, trespassing, and banned from property.
1800: Pull out your Bowflex from the garage. Weep slowly while pulling the cords across your chest and back.
1900: Wife asks how was your day?? Tell her that "The Deal" didn't go though but it would tommorrow. Spit blood from your mouth as your wife punches you in face and scream like that Hooter's girl in Blockhead's story "Day In The Life Of A Bikini Computer" while your wife executes that finishing move "the double underhook facebuster" on you. Black out from the pain that dream about being on a sunny beach in.......oh never mind what's the fucking point anyway???
2100: Wake up from your temporary coma in the garage. Notice that the car is gone and assume wife has gone out. Painfully drag yourself into the kitchen to fix your evening meal of sardines and crackers. Think about turning on your almost ancient computer but then you simply decide to call it a day. Drag yourself painfully into the bathroom and apply bandages to every cut and bruise. Leave the restroom after glaring in the mirror at your now "Unprettier" facee.
2130: Crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling with the world on your shoulders. Crawl back out from your bed as your coma has made you forget to put your PJ's on. You definitely hate catching colds after all in Rhode Island right
. Drift off to sleep hoping for a better tommorrow and being relieved that the federal government is too fucked up to have you prosecuted.
Vince
