Lift Big Eat Big
BREAKING: DeSantis just banned Planet Fitness from the entire state of Florida, effective July 4th, 2027. Weak judgment-free zones are out. Strong lifters screaming and dropping iron are in.
Every Planet Fitness location must convert to a compliant free-weight facility within 90 days or face immediate closure under Florida Executive Order 2026-IRON. Any gym caught operating a Lunk Alarm after the deadline will be fined $50,000 per siren activation and placed under state receivership.
All remaining Planet Fitness equipment will be seized, melted down, and recast as actual barbells for Florida public schools under the Don't Tread On Gains Act.
DeSantis: "We are not going to sit here and let a purple and yellow corporation shame Floridians for grunting, dropping weights, and drinking out of gallon jugs. That is freedom. That is what built this country. California can keep their little cardio machines and their pizza buffets that somehow coexist in the same building. Florida is done tolerating anti-gains culture masquerading as inclusivity. In this state, we lift heavy, we eat big, and we do not apologize for it. If you want a Judgment-Free Zone, move to a state that has already surrendered. Make Florida Swole Again."
Details:
- Compliance deadline: July 4th, 2027. Annual audit every Independence Day thereafter to confirm no Lunk Alarms remain on premises.
- Verification: All gyms must submit a video of an uninterrupted 60-second deadlift session at maximum volume to the Florida Department of Physical Sovereignty. No earplugs permitted during review.
- Pass tier: Gyms scoring above 400lbs on the state deadlift benchmark receive the "Florida Iron Certified" plaque, a $10,000 state grant, and free rack installation courtesy of taxpayers.
- Fail tier: Any gym averaging under 135lbs on the floor receive a mandatory 30-day enrollment in the Governor's Barbell Re-Education Program and a $25,000 fine called the Lunk Tax.
- Bonus tier: Gyms that film a member completing a 500lb deadlift on July 4th earn the "Sunshine State Savage" badge, a $25,000 multiplied grant, and a personal handshake from the Governor at the Capitol.
- Non-compliance escalation: Repeat offenders will have their Lunk Alarms mounted publicly outside the Florida Capitol building as monuments to weakness, with the gym owner's name engraved underneath.
The weak, cardio-only, pizza-eating, Lunk Alarm-ringing gyms had their run. It is over. Florida belongs to the lifters now, and every dropped barbell is a vote for freedom. Weak Judgment-Free Zones stay out. Strong lifters scream and drop iron.
