I think this deserves its own thread (or a Steeky!) instead of being buried in a pointless thread. So here it is again:
HBO Presents
OZ (Season Seven)
Guard walking down to the last cell on the tier.
ANGLE on JAZ HOYT, masturbating profuciously to a magazine cover featuring Tera Patrick.
GUARD: Awwww man, what the --
HOYT: f**k! Doesn't anybody knock anymore?
GUARD: This is prison Jaz, not Phoebe Cate's bathroom.
Hoyt puts penis back in pocket.
HOYT: So what's up, Screw?
GUARD: You ready for your new podmate?
HOYT: Podmate? Is that an accessory to my Ipod?
GUARD: C'mon Jaz. You know, Podmate, celly, cellmate, spermburglar...
HOYT: Ohhhhh, yeah. What's her name?
GUARD: Rob Ziruolo.
HOYT: Whoa...Sounds like a mafia guy.
GUARD: You may want to invite him to join the Brotherhood.
HOYT: Sure, send him in.
Guard signals for prisoner to enter. Rob Z nervously walks into the cell holding a towel and a toothbrush.
HOYT: So Rob ZeroZero, I hear you're a wop guinea f**cker...
240: Only my mother calls me Rob ZeroZero. Everyone else calls me 240.
HOYT: Why? You weigh 240?
240: I used to back when I was a bodybuilder.
HOYT: A bodybuilder, huh? That's hot.
240: Yeah.
HOYT: So what are you in for?
240: Slander and Libel.
Hoyt starts chuckling...at first to himself...then LOUDER until he's nearly HYSTERICAL.
240 is laughing with him.
SUDDENLY, Hoyt grabs 240 by his neck and pins him up against the wall.
HOYT: Get wise with me one more time and I will f**k you in the ass so hard your unborn children will have hemmorhoids.
240: Is that a threat?
HOYT (pinning 240 to the wall with his erection): No. It's a promise.
240: Ummm...Actually I'm in for racketeering and fraud...you know, all that RICO stuff.
HOYT: Ohhh, so you're a real mobster huh?
240: No, I mean RICO MCCLINTON. I agreed to do his website for $300 but I charged him double.
HOYT spins 240 around and bends him over the lower bunk. He pulls his penis back out of his pocket.
HOYT: This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me....heh heh heh.
240: I just want you to know that I'm not gay.
HOYT: Who are you kidding? I saw those naked photos of you all over the internet.
240: Ohhh, those. That was just a silly thing I did in my 20's.
HOYT: How old are you now?
240: In my 20's.
Hoyt grabs 240's pants and violently rips them down below 240's butt.
ECU on a tattoo of Jesus on Hoyt's erect penis.
ANGLE on 240's tattoo of a Bullseye on his rectum.
HOYT: Prepare to accept Jesus into your life.
240: Please don't. I have a baby and a wife on the way...I mean a life and a maybe on the way...I mean...
HOYT: Don't worry. This is how I introduce myself to all the inmates at Oz.
240: Haven't you heard of JDate or Match.com? There might be a better way.
HOYT: You kidding? Match.com charges $40 bucks a month. I've been working in the prison cafeteria for 6 years, and all I've been able to save is $300 bucks.
Angle on 240's crotch bulging.
240: Did you say -- ARGGHHHH -- $300 bucks?
HOYT (grunting): Yeah. Why?
240 (Now rocking to and fro, but with a gleam in his eye): Have you ever thought of ---ARRGGHH --- building a ----ARRGGHHH -- website?
HOYT (Now pounding away like a pornstar): A website? For $300 bucks? What planet do you live on?
240: ARRRGHHHH!!! It would be soup to --- ARRGGHHH!!! -- Nuts!
HOYT: With flash intros?
240: ARGGGH!!! @^&@^$&#@!!! Sure!
HOYT: Why would I need a website? I'm a prisoner doing life without parole in a maximum security penitentiary.
240: We could sell t-shirts, videos, books, used underwear, broken condoms...trust --- ARRGHHHH -- me. I'm a marketing genius.
HOYT: Okay, it's a deal. When can we start?
240: As soon as you remove your dick from my ass.
HOYT: That's not me bro. I finished 5 minutes ago.
240 turns around...
and sees....
240 (Looking back with sheer terror in his eyes): Ohhh noooo -- ARRGHHH -- it can't be you. It can't be!!!
The camera pulls back revealing two incredibly muscular legs with posing trunks dangling by the ankles. The camera rises and we see a pair of muscular glutes slamming into 240, a water-laden back, and a bald head with a tattoo on the back on the neck.
SHOCK CUT to the delirious and blood-boiling face of:
TITUS: Welcome to the Brotherhood, Brother! HAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
FADE OUT
JUMP CUT to Rob lying in bed on his back. His eyes are wide open. His breathing heavy. He's sweating. He looks over and sees his wife lying in bed next to him, with her back to him. He rolls over onto his side and wraps his arms around his wife.
ROB: Honey, I just had the scariest dream. I dreamt I was on the HBO series OZ and Evan Seinfeld of Biohazard was my cellmate and he and Craig Titus were having their way with me.
His wife turns to him, pulling the covers from her face...a wig falls off...
Titus: That was no dream, BROTHER!
As we pull away, we see the two of them lying on a bunk in a cell.
THE END
Special "Rated NC-17" Ed
