Mandy Polk feels alone now...

[TK]

From Many Polk posting....

maybe i'm just feeling sorry for myself, but i feel that i have no one else to turn to, so i thought i would go to my mayhem family and friends with my gripes. right now i'm preparing for the team universe competition and i feel utterly and completely alone. much of my motivation comes from within, and it has always been that way. however, right now i'm waving my white flag.

i feel so alone that i have contemplated not doing the show, despite the fact i'm a little over two weeks away. it's not because the prep is stressful or i feel i might not be ready. it's because i feel dead inside.

i pride myself on being a consistently positive person. a friend once said to me, "one thing's for sure, no one can take away your joy." well, they were wrong. i'm not trying to be melodramatic here, but this is honestly how i feel right now.

if you care to continue reading how i got to where i am now, i'll take you through the sequence of events:

1) i moved to las vegas with my boyfriend, excited to start a new career in a new place with new friends-- essentially, a new life. i was also going to be able to train under one of the most accomplished fitness professionals in the history of the sport. i was really looking forward to it.

i formed a very close bond with this woman. besides a coach, she became a friend and a source of inspiration. what she taught me in the time we knew each other i will value for the entirity of my competition days. she exited my life as quickly as she entered; the reality of her life and decisions is devastating- from an outside perspective and on a personal level. i will, however, always value what she taught me and the friendship we had in our time together.

some of you may be somewhat familiar the situation i described above, but if not, it is not essential you know the details. just know that now i am involved in an ongoing legal situation involving the woman and many others, and it is somewhat stressful. i try not to think about it.

2) during said "stressful situation" the boyfriend with whom i moved to vegas, was unsupportive. he attacked my actions, character, and decisions. he also demanded more from the relationship when i had given all i could. he did not get me anything for my birthday. things had been very strained for a while, and i had taken all the emotional abuse i could stand.

i called my parents looking for advice and support, but they did not really tell me anything. i decided it would be best to just leave, even though i could barely afford to, as my training business was just getting off the ground. i took my things while he was at work one night, and moved in with a friend from the gym who had offered me a good deal on a room.

3) i dropped my trainer at 14 weeks out. i'm not going to name names. this person wanted me taking thermos and doing double cardio sessions at 16 weeks out, with no fat and no added fat in the diet. i wasn't even out of shape!! i was not willing to do this, so we had to part ways.

i still approached my contest prep with enthusiasm, and really enjoyed the day by day experience of training and training my clients. my business was starting to really do well by this point.

4) my parents. they have been uninvolved in my life, but we have maintained contact.
i have been trying over the last twelve weeks to get my parents to come to this show. it's not just to see me, i want to see them!!! my mother had offered, when i was about 13 weeks out, to arrange my trip through her travel agent for her business. supposedly, they get great deals. the show date would get closer and closer, and still no trip. i ended up arranging it myself, of course. two weeks ago, i offered to her to cover the room for she and my father, if they could just get plane tickets. i told her if afforability was an issue, that i would cover the plane tickets as well. she insisted that her agent at work would her out and that would not be necessary.

yesterday, i received a message from my father, stating it would not be possible for the two of them to attend (they're divorced, by the way) due to the cost of the trip. i called him and told him that i had been prodding for him to make arrangements, or at least tell me whether or not he would attend so i could cover the trip, for quite some time.

i told him i should not have to beg for attention and i would not anymore. no more contact please, with the exception of an emergency. he had nothing to say. i called my mother and said the same thing. they both ended the conversation with me as though they were hardly affected.

5) it seems my suit designer has flaked on me. she told me twelve weeks ago that i would be taken care of and not to worry about it. she wouldn't accept a deposit or payment at that time, but i offered. we have what i would consider a close, personal relationship as well, for two years now. she calls herself my "big sister" and we have spent time together outside of competition-related activities, as well as a considerable amount of time on the phone.

i spoke with her yesterday, and now she acts like she doesn't know what i'm talking about when i tell her she said she would outfit me for the show. it is stressful, but more hurtful on a personal level. i can wear the same one and two piece that i wore for this show last year, but three months ago i had tried to make arrangements to avoid that scenario. i followed up at least three times since, so it's not like she forgot.

6) i asked someone that i would consider a friend, if i could rent a suit from her. let me add that i have lent my suits out to three people this year, without asking for payment. i did this because i felt it was the right thing to do, and i would want someone to help ME out in a panicky situation.

after this girl's failure to return my call, she explained via text message that she was broke and only had two one-pieces. i said i understood, despite the initial hurt and frustration. i reasoned that she would help if she could, and she must be in a bad spot. because she's a friend, i felt it would be right to help her if i could. i wrote to her "okay, no worries!  i'll ask someone else. are you staying at the host hotel? you can stay in my room for free, i'm just a few minutes from the venue. two beds, if you're comfortable with that, my offer's out there." no thanks, no nothing, she just responds "i have a roomie"


SO, now that i've written you a book, if you've made it this far... i'm sipping on a cocktail of desperation and frustration with a twist of depression. i know i'm just feeling sorry for myself. but i do not understand why this is happening, as i have tried to go out of my way and be kind to others. i was so positive but these events have worn me down and i have nothing left.

i am not motivated to continue with my prep. i know i will probably do the show anyway, because i said that i would and i always follow through, but at this point i don't really want to. i never thought i would say that about something that gives me so much happiness and fulfillment, but that's where i am right now.

thanks for listening.

[Ron]

There are always people who care. And can help.

[emn1964]

She sounds like an overly dramatic person.  What in that diatribe was really that horrible--that her boyfriend didn't get her a birthday present? People go thru much worse crap than this and succeed at much greater undertakings.

[Butterbean]

She sounds like an overly dramatic person.  What in that diatribe was really that horrible--that her boyfriend didn't get her a birthday present? People go thru much worse crap than this and succeed at much greater undertakings. 

It seems like it could be the combination of tragedy and disappointments that are getting her down.  That combined w/being 2 weeks out from a show could easily depress someone.

There are always people who care. And can help.

This is absolutely correct.

[shockandawe]

Your letter was really touching.

It's obvious you must be feeling VERY alone to have reached out here (not a joke or a slam, I'm actually being serious here...) in the way that you did. You are a ship adrift, and that's never good.  I am really sorry that you do not feel you have quality friendships and were betrayed so badly by one that is now causing you continuous pain... But don't unravel and don't lose faith in what's really out there in the real world.  This feeling of betrayal will pass if you let it... (Remember, that person may not have ever betrayed you either, were it not for serious drug use, a foundation of really unresolved feelings in her own life, and years of exposure to a poor element.)

Keep in mind that you are feeling a LOT of what you're feeling because:

A) it's natural to feel upset, violated, angry and otherwise, when pulled into something so ugly and messy - something you never signed on to be a part of that takes you on twists and turns beyond your control   

B) it's difficult to be under a microscope in this industry, and the harshness of judgment that occurs in this business (like these people are so perfect themselves) can cause you to believe that you are alone - you're not!

C) you don't seem to have "outside" attachments from this industry to put it all into perspective

this may seem like a tough hang right now, and I'm sure in some ways, it'll get tougher, but this was NOT your fault. Quit beating yourself up, and stop letting others do the same. If they want to turn a cold shoulder, fine. You don't want a "friend" like that.

All of this stuff about your parents, that's a different story... But remember, as much as you can't choose your parents in this life, and sometimes they suck, and family is insensitive at times when you need the most sensitivity and caring, you'll still be ok. You do need to start finding what make YOU feel better, and screw this industry, screw these so-called fly-by-night friends of yours, and just come to terms with the fact that your family may never give you what you need in terms of support. Then actively seek out people who WILL be there for you who are kind and giving, and consider them family. But in order to do that, you need to let go of the ones you consider family now, in terms of relying upon them. Don't hate them for being incapable, just move on and love them from afar, with a new support system that truly cares for YOU, and you for them.

And can I say one final thing?

You did the right things, Mandy. You spoke up for yourself and your boyfriend about not wanting to get involved, and you didn't. You were in a very, very tough situation - WHO knows HOW to act in a case like this???  Don't buy into other's crap and criticism about it. It' just b.s. I defy anyone to say they'd have known what to do. I wouldn't have, and I ALWAYS seem to know what to do and have great common sense and confidence. Yet, this is not something you encounter on a daily basis - for some of us, it never happens. Don't be so damn hard on yourself!  You should be applauding yourself for how you did handle it!

Bottom line?  Friends may not turn their back on friends, as Craig tried to guilt you into believing...  But then again, if someone is a true friend to you, they won't ask you to risk your own life or security or jeopardize your own freedom by breaking the law! But because you liked Kelly and considered her a friend, you didn't turn your back on her.. you were there for her as much as you could be without hurting yourself. End of story.

Testify, and get on with your life. The truth will set you free and will meter what it needs to meter for the others involved.

I'm glad you started culling the crap from your life - the boyfriend was only the first step.

[doozejooze]

Honestly some people feel good naturally and some people feel good helping others

[FitMandy]

i just want to say that it was not my intention for this to be posted here on getbig, i don't know who did that and why.  i originally posted on a board where i have formed some sort of a relationship and rapport with some of the members.

no i am not being overly dramatic, that's crazy, my parents decided it wasn't important to see me, even when i offered to pay for their trip. i've been trying to get them to come out here for the past few months since i saw them at christmas, and i paid for and arranged that trip myself.  they do not want to see me because they do not care, not because of how they feel about competing.  it's such a small part of who i am. 

i want to thank the people who do not know me and had kind, supportive things to say.  it really means a lot.  and true adonis, what on earth is wrong with you?  i have a 3.9 GPA as a prepharmacy student but i'm going to finish my degree in sports psychology, because it benefits my career as a personal trainer.    competing is a hobby.

people/things like this are the reason i stay off of this board.  but to those who extended their support, i do appreciate it.

[Ron]

no i am not being overly dramatic, that's crazy, my parents decided it wasn't important to see me, even when i offered to pay for their trip. i've been trying to get them to come out here for the past few months since i saw them at christmas, and i paid for and arranged that trip myself.  they do not want to

Sometimes life and times are tough, and it is hard. Already, things are improving for you, made sure of that, and you see there are friends and people there for you. I am sorry about your parent's, I think it sucks that they don't support you, at least in coming to the show. As I have said before in private, in you need anything, do not hesitate to ask.

[youandme]

Damn that sucks, prepping for a contests makes it go up in frustrations and emotions.
You have to turn all that  negativity  into your driving force now, its hard, but things can only go up from here

C) you don't seem to have "outside" attachments from this industry to put it all into perspective
Yeah that makes it harder on alot of bodybuilders in this sport, but when you look back and  you found people doing the same thing you were everyone else became obsolete

[Croatch]

maybe i'm just feeling sorry for myself, but i feel that i have no one else to turn to, so i thought i would go to my mayhem family and friends with my gripes. right now i'm preparing for the team universe competition and i feel utterly and completely alone. much of my motivation comes from within, and it has always been that way. however, right now i'm waving my white flag.

i feel so alone that i have contemplated not doing the show, despite the fact i'm a little over two weeks away. it's not because the prep is stressful or i feel i might not be ready. it's because i feel dead inside.

i pride myself on being a consistently positive person. a friend once said to me, "one thing's for sure, no one can take away your joy." well, they were wrong. i'm not trying to be melodramatic here, but this is honestly how i feel right now.

if you care to continue reading how i got to where i am now, i'll take you through the sequence of events:

1) i moved to las vegas with my boyfriend, excited to start a new career in a new place with new friends-- essentially, a new life. i was also going to be able to train under one of the most accomplished fitness professionals in the history of the sport. i was really looking forward to it.

i formed a very close bond with this woman. besides a coach, she became a friend and a source of inspiration. what she taught me in the time we knew each other i will value for the entirity of my competition days. she exited my life as quickly as she entered; the reality of her life and decisions is devastating- from an outside perspective and on a personal level. i will, however, always value what she taught me and the friendship we had in our time together.

some of you may be somewhat familiar the situation i described above, but if not, it is not essential you know the details. just know that now i am involved in an ongoing legal situation involving the woman and many others, and it is somewhat stressful. i try not to think about it.

2) during said "stressful situation" the boyfriend with whom i moved to vegas, was unsupportive. he attacked my actions, character, and decisions. he also demanded more from the relationship when i had given all i could. he did not get me anything for my birthday. things had been very strained for a while, and i had taken all the emotional abuse i could stand.

i called my parents looking for advice and support, but they did not really tell me anything. i decided it would be best to just leave, even though i could barely afford to, as my training business was just getting off the ground. i took my things while he was at work one night, and moved in with a friend from the gym who had offered me a good deal on a room.

3) i dropped my trainer at 14 weeks out. i'm not going to name names. this person wanted me taking thermos and doing double cardio sessions at 16 weeks out, with no fat and no added fat in the diet. i wasn't even out of shape!! i was not willing to do this, so we had to part ways.

i still approached my contest prep with enthusiasm, and really enjoyed the day by day experience of training and training my clients. my business was starting to really do well by this point.

4) my parents. they have been uninvolved in my life, but we have maintained contact.
i have been trying over the last twelve weeks to get my parents to come to this show. it's not just to see me, i want to see them!!! my mother had offered, when i was about 13 weeks out, to arrange my trip through her travel agent for her business. supposedly, they get great deals. the show date would get closer and closer, and still no trip. i ended up arranging it myself, of course. two weeks ago, i offered to her to cover the room for she and my father, if they could just get plane tickets. i told her if afforability was an issue, that i would cover the plane tickets as well. she insisted that her agent at work would her out and that would not be necessary.

yesterday, i received a message from my father, stating it would not be possible for the two of them to attend (they're divorced, by the way) due to the cost of the trip. i called him and told him that i had been prodding for him to make arrangements, or at least tell me whether or not he would attend so i could cover the trip, for quite some time.

i told him i should not have to beg for attention and i would not anymore. no more contact please, with the exception of an emergency. he had nothing to say. i called my mother and said the same thing. they both ended the conversation with me as though they were hardly affected.

5) it seems my suit designer has flaked on me. she told me twelve weeks ago that i would be taken care of and not to worry about it. she wouldn't accept a deposit or payment at that time, but i offered. we have what i would consider a close, personal relationship as well, for two years now. she calls herself my "big sister" and we have spent time together outside of competition-related activities, as well as a considerable amount of time on the phone.

i spoke with her yesterday, and now she acts like she doesn't know what i'm talking about when i tell her she said she would outfit me for the show. it is stressful, but more hurtful on a personal level. i can wear the same one and two piece that i wore for this show last year, but three months ago i had tried to make arrangements to avoid that scenario. i followed up at least three times since, so it's not like she forgot.

6) i asked someone that i would consider a friend, if i could rent a suit from her. let me add that i have lent my suits out to three people this year, without asking for payment. i did this because i felt it was the right thing to do, and i would want someone to help ME out in a panicky situation.

after this girl's failure to return my call, she explained via text message that she was broke and only had two one-pieces. i said i understood, despite the initial hurt and frustration. i reasoned that she would help if she could, and she must be in a bad spot. because she's a friend, i felt it would be right to help her if i could. i wrote to her "okay, no worries!  i'll ask someone else. are you staying at the host hotel? you can stay in my room for free, i'm just a few minutes from the venue. two beds, if you're comfortable with that, my offer's out there." no thanks, no nothing, she just responds "i have a roomie"


SO, now that i've written you a book, if you've made it this far... i'm sipping on a cocktail of desperation and frustration with a twist of depression. i know i'm just feeling sorry for myself. but i do not understand why this is happening, as i have tried to go out of my way and be kind to others. i was so positive but these events have worn me down and i have nothing left.

i am not motivated to continue with my prep. i know i will probably do the show anyway, because i said that i would and i always follow through, but at this point i don't really want to. i never thought i would say that about something that gives me so much happiness and fulfillment, but that's where i am right now.

thanks for listening.

MELTDOWN.

[FitMandy]

MELTDOWN.

was that for leaving two pans out?

[Croatch]

was that for leaving two pans out?

No, for leaving things on the kitchen counter 78x.  Throat chopping me in my own house 38x.  And calling me short.

[Mr. Zimbabwe]

I found your post very touching, Mandy.  I agree with what Shockandawe had to say.  And I agree with Ron too.

I sincerely wish you all the best in you endevours!!!!

[LLES]

i just want to say that it was not my intention for this to be posted here on getbig, i don't know who did that and why.  i originally posted on a board where i have formed some sort of a relationship and rapport with some of the members.

no i am not being overly dramatic, that's crazy, my parents decided it wasn't important to see me, even when i offered to pay for their trip. i've been trying to get them to come out here for the past few months since i saw them at christmas, and i paid for and arranged that trip myself.  they do not want to see me because they do not care, not because of how they feel about competing.  it's such a small part of who i am. 

i want to thank the people who do not know me and had kind, supportive things to say.  it really means a lot.  and true adonis, what on earth is wrong with you?  i have a 3.9 GPA as a prepharmacy student but i'm going to finish my degree in sports psychology, because it benefits my career as a personal trainer.    competing is a hobby.

people/things like this are the reason i stay off of this board.  but to those who extended their support, i do appreciate it.

Don't pay attention to Adonis, he is a insecure little boy,who is nothing & will contribute nothing & will die with nothing & other than being a b*tch, will be remembered for nothing.

[Rick Lohre]

Mandy,

Three days and counting....I wish you luck this weekend and hope things start going in a better direction.

Rick

[buffalo]

You need to quit looking for approval and attention from other people because it is turning you into a victim everywhere you go.

open your eyes and quit thinking you need to help other people all the time and quit "looking" up to other people like heroes or big sisters or any of it.

look to yiourself for your own inspiration and you won't be half as disappointed as when you look to others to validate you.

good luck getting through the trial situation.....do NOT dwell mentally or emotionally on your problems.  Only focus on how you want your life to be in the future.  It's what will become your reality

stay strong

[walking sculpture]

I have a suspicion that there are some (many?) in the industry that regard Mandy as a snitch…..

There are so many secrets kept in the sport…ie: drug use, lifestyle and so on. A big dark side that is kept under wraps. Anyone who exposes it, or threatens to expose it faces ostracizing from the community, regardless if the expose’ is done for the noblest of purposes…ie: solving a murder case… 

Sorry Mandy, You are receiving backlash for being a responsible and good person within a completely dark and dysfunctional community…

[Don Miracle]

You're a tough girl, and you will make it through.  You've got our sympathy.
 

[shockandawe]

Sadly, Mandy broke her foot in her routine this past weekend! So, even though she was getting her act together inspiration and motivation-wise, and dusting herself off with all of the good wishes that people on this board gave her, she had another setback. It may not be her year. Then again, she's young and has a very bright future.  The same cannot be said for C&K.

[jameswdmb]

Whats the latest mandy?  how long do they think you will be out? best wishes

[Ron]

Mandy is going to have surgery on Saturday to take care of her foot. I wish her the best in recovery, and the cast should be on for six weeks or so???

[G o a t b o y]

I have a suspicion that there are some (many?) in the industry that regard Mandy as a snitch…..

There are so many secrets kept in the sport…ie: drug use, lifestyle and so on. A big dark side that is kept under wraps. Anyone who exposes it, or threatens to expose it faces ostracizing from the community, regardless if the expose’ is done for the noblest of purposes…ie: solving a murder case… 

Sorry Mandy, You are receiving backlash for being a responsible and good person within a completely dark and dysfunctional community…

Nothing at all wrong with helping put a murderer behind bars.  Actually, most of us just laugh at her for being dumb enough to hook up with Craig & Kelly.  Typical fitness bimbette. 

[Billy Knockout!]

You need to quit looking for approval and attention from other people because it is turning you into a victim everywhere you go.

open your eyes and quit thinking you need to help other people all the time and quit "looking" up to other people like heroes or big sisters or any of it.

look to yiourself for your own inspiration and you won't be half as disappointed as when you look to others to validate you.

good luck getting through the trial situation.....do NOT dwell mentally or emotionally on your problems.  Only focus on how you want your life to be in the future.  It's what will become your reality

stay strong

Good post!

[shockandawe]

G O A T ~
I can appreciate what you're saying and agree with the first part, but I gotta say, I usually feel that way about the lion's share of bimbettes in this industry and have since its inception (see: Marla Duncan) but the truth is, Mandy is sooooo young! It really isn't fair to say she's stupid. She's just impressionable and thinks well of people. She isn't yet jaded and maybe that's not such a bad thing in this world.

People a lot older than her have been taken in by these two. Or, maybe there was a day when Kelly really was what she appeared to be. I can tell you as a former friend, I believe she was back in the early days. We all have unsavory, flawed aspects to ourselves, but the truth is, I think Mandy wanted to see the good in Kelly when she first became entangled with her professionally, and saw her as a positive attitude who was willing to help anyone succeed. Mandy had no reason to believe otherwise in the beginning, and that actually used to be very true of Kelly and probably was with Mandy.

So let's not quash the "Believing humankind is basically good" in someone who is still relatively youthful. If you ask me, (which you didn't) I think she was pretty amazing in how she handled herself, as you say, in the Grand Jury appearance (putting people behind bars) and in standing up to Craig when he was trying to make her feel guilty for not being loyal to a murderer.  Many more high profile and more mature people have fallen for that B.S. from Craig over the years!  We all know the score, but try not to be a hater with someone who's, what? Nineteen???

C'mon give the girl a break, huh?

[Wombat]

It always everyone else's fault....Sometimes you just have to really take a good look in the mirror and be honest with yourself...At least thats what my shrink tells me