Bush Pushes Bill to Abolish Democratic PartyWashington, DC – Fresh off his legislative triumph on detainee treatment, President Bush proposed a new bill today to make the Republican Party the sole political party in the country. Going forward, Bush said, the GOP would simply be known as the “American Party.” Addressing the press in the Rose Garden, the president urged Congress to pass the legislation as swiftly as possible, arguing “the war on terror is best fought with a united front” and that “terrorists are not hamstrung by an opposition party telling them they can’t do this or that, slowing ’em down, so neither should we.”
In an effort to assuage critics who might see the bill as too dramatic and ill timed in an election year, Mr. Bush attempted to lessen concerns by making clear that, if passed, the law would be phased in gradually, not taking full effect until January 1, 2007. In the interim, Democrats, both those currently in Congress and any who manage to pick up new seats in November, will act in a clearly “advisory-only capacity” to members of the Republican Party until their roles as representatives of their constituents are completely null and voided come the new year. At such time, the Republican Party will then officially change its title to the American Party.
“It’s a new dawn in America,” Bush said. “One heart. One mind. Bound together in pursuit to triumph over evil and maintain our way of life.” The president added, “If the Democrats attempt to stand in the way of this legislation, it will only prove their refusal to face this deadly terrorist threat head-on. Americans cannot afford such cowardice. The constant second-guessing must end if we are to win this war. The two-party system, like the Geneva Conventions, are no longer applicable to deal with these blood-thirsty barbarians at the gate.”
The president then fielded a couple of questions from the press. David Gregory of NBC asked, “Sir, if this law were to go into effect, if we are to have only the American Party, as you say, how could we continue to refer to our country as a democracy?” The president, somewhat irritated by Gregory’s question, replied, “You know, I refer to our country as America. Uh, all these tags – Republican, Democrat, democracy, fascism…uh, all those isms, you know, I don’t worry about that. I’m only concerned about protecting the American people, David.” Gregory followed up by saying, “I’m not really sure if you’ve answered the question, Mr. President. So, for the record, you’re saying we no longer live in a democracy.” Bush shot back, “You know, you can ask that question all you want, David, but I gave you my answer.” Gregory muttered something inaudible, though it prompted Bush to go on the offensive, wagging his finger at Gregory and promising, “I will take you out.”
Appearing somewhat wary of following this exchange, Terry Moran of ABC inquired if the White House had uncovered any new information on missing veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas (rumored to have last been seen conversing with Vice President Dick Cheney). “Ms. Thomas,” Bush said, and then sighed, “she is, uh, as far as I know, she has retired.” Moran replied, “Sir, it just seems a little odd that her own newspaper had not been notified by Helen about her retirement. Also, Dana Priest of the Washington Post had reported seeing Mr. Cheney pulling Ms. Thomas somewhat forcibly into the White House this past Tuesday.” Bush shook his head, saying, “As I said, Terry, Helen has retired. And, uh, I think how she decides to spend that retirement should be up to Helen. She has earned it.”
It’s unclear whether Democrats will risk a filibuster during the heated election season, even though such a law would mean a permanent end to their party and their life in public service. When pressed on this question, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) revealed only, “Of course, much is at stake here,” adding, “I can only say that we do stand united both against the terrorists and against the president’s preposterous new proposed legislation.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California) promised, "The Democratic Party will not be swayed by the president's dime store reverse psychology. We will do what we can to stop this bill, just short of accomplishing anything. And I think it will be quite clear to the American people that we, as Democrats, are willing to risk our very extinction so that we may defeat the terrorists."
John McCain (R-Arizona), the maverick senator who first opposed Bush’s interrogation bill before coming back into the fold to support the president, expressed some reservations about the new one-party idea. “I haven’t seen the legislation yet, so I’m going to reserve my judgment until then. But I do think our president deserves the benefit of the doubt during wartime. I look forward to addressing any concerns I may have about his new bill, before giving in to his demands.”
Later in the afternoon, President Bush addressed NEWB (Nazis Enthralled With Bush), a splinter group of REWN (Republicans Enthralled With Nazis), at a low-profile White House fundraiser. Opening the event, NEWB members presented Mr. Bush with a stress ball in the shape of a swastika, to which the appreciative president replied, “Thank you, and I welcome you all with a heartfelt, 'Sieg heil!'”
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