To The Person Who Shit IN My Car

[~flower~]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/28862534.html



Date: 2004-04-15, 12:13PM PDT


I know that it is rough out there. I know that housing is hard to find and harder to keep. I know that it was cold those last weeks in March/first weeks in April.

I expected that everything would be taken from my car when I moved to my new apartment, and it was. One day my tapes, the next an old CD player hooked into the car (my fault for leaving it there), and everything but the maintenance manual in the glove compartment. (Thank you for that--we needed it to install a new battery.) And you did leave the tape player and radio and the car itself.

But now I feel truly betrayed. My world has been torn asunder. I am devastated and my soul rests at the bottom of the Bay.

For that week we didn't use the car, one of you, one of you whom I have brought free McD's to when I have gone out, to whom I have given boxes of clothes to that would have gone straight to Goodwill, to those whom I have given cigarettes and exchanged pleasantries at 4:00 AM when tottering back into my apartment in my four-inch heel fetish boots, my mascara pooled bruiselike under my eyes and my body encased in a latex dress with hickeys encircling my neck and a shit-eating grin on my face ("Girl, you look like you done had a GOOD time!" "Hella good, and I'm doin' it again tomorrow!"), one of you not only lived out of my car, but...

...YOU SHIT IN MY CAR!

MY CAR! MY CAR! MY BABY! She came across the country to be with me! She survived accidents, she's made it from Vallejo to South San Francisco in 25 minutes, she's ten years old, and YOU SHIT IN HER!

I admit, that when my girlfriend went to get the car, she discovered that you had tried to clean up the car, but had miserably failed, so we spent quite a bit of time disinfecting the car and cleaning upholstery, because we had to clean up after you trying to clean up after yourself. WHY did you have to shit in an UPHOLSTERED car? Why MY car?

There has been a noticed change in my neck of the woods. I no longer talk to anyone, isolating myself in suspicion of my fellow neighbors. I say I've quit smoking and I don't give anything away anymore. I may be paranoid, but someone knows. Someone knows who shit in my car, and one day I will find out who did.

And then I will tie you to the hood of my car and poop on your head.





PostingID: 28862534




more funnies here:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

[~flower~]

To the stupid bitches at Walmart that assumed I stole their phone
Date: 2008-04-13, 2:47PM EDT


You know who you are. You and your skanky friend entered the ladies room at Walmart, apparently looking for a cellphone you lost because you're a moron. I washed my hands, and upon exiting the restroom I said, "Excuse me," since you clearly had no intention of moving your fat ass out of the doorway.

I proceeded to look at some shirts in the womens' department, when suddenly you two white trash tramps came RIGHT over and stood oh, maybe, 3 feet away from me, glaring. The porkier one of you two (the one with the mustache) then took out your cellphone and obviously dialed the lost one's number in hopes that suddenly my bag would ring your familiar ringtone- probably Shakira or Lil Kim. I couldn't believe you had the audacity to be such stupid hos. Not only did you make no attempt to be discreet, but you were blatantly rude and insulting.

Why the fuck would I want your cellphone? I'm all set with 19yr old punks calling me for blowjobs. I also don't have any interest in receiving phone calls from probation officers or Planned Parenthood. If I did find a cheap-ass phone probably in a pink case, covered in stickers- there's a damn good chance I'd return it to the "Lost And Found," assuming I'd even give a shit enough to do that. I'm sure that's a far-fetched concept to you, considering if it were the other way around, you'd probably pawn a lost phone as fast as you'd jerk off a homeless guy that offered you a cigarette.

Next time you immediately jump to conclusions because of your own stupidity, go back and check the aisle with vaginal cream and douches first; you probably left your phone there. You must have found it shortly after, because you were no longer up my ass, skanking up my personal space. Either that, or the dollar store was having one hell of a sale that you couldn't pass up.

Screw you both.

[~flower~]

Mom, I know you're there.
Date: 2008-03-11, 4:38PM CDT


Mom, I know you’re out there, reading this.

How do I know you’re out there?

Let’s begin with that ad of mine that you recently responded to, shall we? You know the one I’m talking about. It was entitled, “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?—m4w--22” That ad ran for three days before I got a response, and I can’t tell you, Mom, how my heart fell when I saw the photo that accompanied the response. It was your Realtor’s headshot, the one on your business card. Even worse was the text of your response. I’m so, so sorry I know now what you’d do to me if we ever “hooked up.” On the other hand, Dad must’ve been a very, very lucky guy back in the day. I dunno, maybe he still is.

I guess, Mom, when I think a bit about it, that I should resign myself to whatever it is that you are doing. After all, you’re an adult and I’m an adult. I can’t tell you what you should do with your life.

But Mom, I’d like to raise a few points.

The first point I’d like to raise is that you’re still married to Dad. Please, please PLEASE tell me that you have his blessing. My mind is reeling now, hoping that you’re not the people who posted “Fun Couple Looking For Others—MW4MW—57” I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that it is you. Now that I know you’re cruising CE, I suspect that there aren’t too many other 57 year old swingers from the Westlake area posting on Craigslist.

The second point I’d like to raise is that you owe it to whoever you’re trying to hook up with to be honest. I mean, I lived with you and Dad for 18 years. You’re not that fun.

Finally, I’d like you to stop responding to my “College Stud Needs a MILF—m4w—22” ads. The only one who should find you to be MILF-y at all is Dad. For me, you are just an “M”. Got it?

Your son.

PS. I’m going to swing by at around 7-7:30-ish to do a load of wash, is that okay? I tried to call you at the office, but they kept telling me that you’re busy.

[240 is Back]

...YOU SHIT IN MY CAR!

In Florida, you cap them for that.

[JohnnyVegas]

In Florida, you cap them for that.

I lived at the evach for many years, and there are tons of transient losers there 24/7...


Long story short one morning I went out to my truck and a bum had broke in and was sleeping in it....and I was so happy he did not piss oir shit in it! Or get any lice in it......