The Hair of the Dog. Explained By A Brewer.
We have all been there. You wake up and it feels like Motorhead played a nine hour concert in your head. Your teeth feel like they have grown hair and you can’t figure out why you decided to get a tattoo of the kid from Calvin and Hobbes taking a leak on a stapler with the words “STAPLE THIS!!!” in a large graffiti-like font.
You try to remember the night, but your memories are a fuzzy conglomeration of cheap shots, plenty of beer, going to Taco Bell at 3 in the morning and possibly hanging out with Emilio Estevez. You reach for your wallet only to find 47 receipts from last night totaling $468. You only HAD $37 dollars in your checking account, but you’ll worry about that later. Who is Sandy and why did you put her number in to your cell phone as 910-T8J-677PE9-ROcK-oN?
You crawl out of bed and venture to the living room. If the world had ended this is what a post apocalyptic living room would look and smell like. The song What’s New Pussycat by Tom Jones is on repeat at a deafening level. The room smells of burnt cabbage, baby powder and hot trash. Your friend Aaron is passed out face down on the kitchen table. He’s wearing a dress and snoring so loud that your dog is cowering in the corner shaking. Why are there bright blue streaks all over the walls? Your roommate Rob has managed to find comfort by sleeping standing up in the corner of the room. He’s wearing a white tuxedo, a dunce cap and has enough makeup on to make a red light district girl jealous. An unlit cigarette is firmly planted between his lips. Tommy and Drew were last seen drunkenly boarding a plane for Davenport, Iowa, wearing jean jackets that they bedazzled earlier in the night with butterflies and Bull Durham quotes. Davenport is home of the Class A Quad Cities River Bandits minor league baseball team. They were planning on trying out for the team. Both never played a day of baseball in their lives.
You look at yourself and realize that you’re also wearing a dress. The dress used to be white, but now has bright blue streaks all over it. You don’t know who the guy sleeping in the bathtub is, but you’re fairly certain it’s Emilio Estevez. He’s wearing a large Native American headdress, combat boots, thermal underwear and a shirt with a large stapler printed on it. A large Super soaker filled with some kind of blue liquid is nestled in his lap. You’re 7 hours and 34 minutes late for work and your headache is making your eyes bleed. Seriously, there’s a tiny bit of blood leaking from your eyes. Although this has not happened to me in at least 2 weeks we have all been there………haven’t we??? Life’s worst enemy…….the dreaded hangover.
I make beer for a living. I enjoy beer and drink it often. Honestly, if I didn’t drink a good bit of beer then what kind of brewer would I be? They always say never trust a skinny chef. Well, never trust a brewer that can’t handle a hangover. In my line of work I’m often asked the question how does one get rid of a hangover? What’s the trick? What’s your secret beer guy? This question has been pondered by mankind since the creation of alcohol. When some people complain about having to go to the office with a hangover think of how some Egyptian’s felt when they were hung over and had to build the pyramids. I have heard plenty of present day hangover cures during my 5 years of brewing. Some say a triple cheeseburger from Wendy’s and a lemon lime Gatorade will do the trick. Others have proudly backed Pedialyte . That’s right. Pedialyte. The stuff they give kids so they don’t dehydrate when they’re sick. It doesn’t taste that great. Trust me. Chicken livers and gizzards was a sure fire way to battle a hangover according to one friend of mine. Others have always gone back to old reliable………the hair of the dog that bit you. Why does drinking more booze make you feel better? Because it gets you drunk again right? Yes it sure does, but there is science at work. There’s always science at work.
First let’s examine the term “hair of the dog”. Where does it come from and what does it mean? The term hair of the dog originated in England and comes from an erroneous method to treat rabies. Apparently if you lived in jolly old England back in the day and got bit by a rabid dog they would treat your wound by taking some of the hair from the dog that bit you and putting it in your wound. Good idea folks. I would imagine that most rabid dogs, especially hundreds of years ago were not too worried about their personal hygiene. Not only would you have rabies, but now you’re definitely on your way to living out your lifelong dream of having an extremely painful, if not life threatening infection. Our Polish speaking brothers and sisters provide us with a word called klin. The rough Polish translation means to dislodge a stuck wedge with another wedge, or in other words making no progress what so ever. Nicely said Poland.
So now we know where the term originated. So how does it work? Here comes some science. Pay attention class because you will be quizzed on this next week. When one drinks booze they are typically consuming two types of alcohol. Ethanol, which is the purest form of drinking alcohol and Fusel Alcohols, which are higher order alcohols produced during fermentation. Ethanol…..good. Fusel Alcohols………bad. When you drink, enzymes in your body break down the alcohol. Since Ethanol is easier to break down, the enzymes will concentrate on these first. Once all of the ethanol is broken down the enzymes will move on to the fusel alcohols. The byproducts that result from the breakdown of these fusel alcohols are quite toxic. The toxins are responsible for your hangover. Expensive liquors such as Diaka Vodka have more pure ethanol due to the fact that they are distilled more times than cheap liquor. On a quick side note Diaka Vodka is filtered through diamonds. I’m not kidding. Look it up. Cheaper liquors such as Relska have more fusel alcohols, which is why you feel like the crap after drinking 14 cranberry and Relska’s.
So you’ve made the mistake of drinking yourself in to a near coma on cheap booze. The three packs of Pall Mall’s didn’t help either. You wake up extremely hung over and you want to fix it. Time to use the science you just learned about. While you were consuming alcohol your body has already begun to break down the ethanol. When you finally fall asleep your body will continue to break down the ethanol. Once the ethanol was gone it was on to hangover land. You feel like crap because your body is breaking down the fusel alcohols. By having a nice Bloody Mary with good vodka you are reintroducing ethanol back in to your body. The enzymes will stop concentrating on the harder to break down fusel alcohols and move on to the easier ethanol. While breaking down the ethanol your body has a greater chance of releasing the previous fusel alcohols, unchanged, through breath, sweat and urine.
There it is. You just learned the basic scientific explanation of hair of the dog. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Although I just explained hair of the dog to you I really am not an advocate of it. In a pinch it can help out, but side effects may include severe liver damage, loss of job, loss of money, loss of friends, divorce, large hospital bills, restlessness, vomiting, dizziness, loss of driver’s license, hives, smallpox, unwanted pregnancy, body odor, loss of teeth, broken heart, long term debt, sleep apnea, diabetes, depression, scurvy, impotence and a definite loss of a positive self image. If you experience any of these side effects then maybe it’s time to stop drinking excessively. The moral of the story is that you should always consume alcohol in moderation. Well, unless you’re hanging out with Emilio Estevez. Be safe out there!!!
