Jokes

[w8m8]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas.  I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

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Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
       
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Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs.Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this  joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

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Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.  Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

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Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.  Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

       
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Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.  I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement.  You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

       
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Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
       
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~       

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa




 

[YoungBlood]

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
 "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad."...Robot slaps the son!
 "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend’s house!" the son says.
 "What dvd?" asks the father "Toy story."Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
 "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom!

Awkward Silence

[w8m8]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Andy Griffin]

A new Marine gets his first liberty, changes into civilian clothes, and runs from post to the first open place.  He excitedly pants, "I'll have a double meatloaf plate, extra biscuits, and the coldest beer you serve!!"

The man replies, "You must be a Marine."

The Marine replies, "What gave me away?"

The man says, "This is a hardware store."

[B_B_C]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say
Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned
to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."