What is your funniest crapping/pissing yourself story?

[Butterbean]

This is the best bit of the story. Aces.    

"that coffee maker rubble" was pretty good too

[Army of One]

Summer 1996 -

I was in High School, Regents day (American History). The tests were in the afternoon, and you could come in early and go over things with the teachers, or just hang out.  So I get there a few hours early, and as I'm sitting there in the library, I start getting that coffee maker rubble in high up in the pit of my stomach. It's that rumble you feel where you know no good will come of it.

So off to the bathroom I go, I pick one of the little used bathrooms so I can have some privacy. And I sit and wait. The first wave comes, it's nasty, but ok. There is no toilet paper in the stall, but I know this from years of going to this school, so I get the two emergency towelettes out from my wallet.  Bang, crisis averted.

But that first wave, must of just been a warning shot. Because I get a few steps into the hallway, and the feelings start again. I rush back, and go again, but this time I've got nothing to wipe with, so I go through my pockets I've got my bus fare back home, a long Sears receipt and a wrapper from a candy bar. Welp, a man's got to do, what a man's got to do, so I configure the candy wrapper and Sears receipt into the best hand protection I could muster and get to work. It's not going to well, and right in the middle the feeling comes back. I toss my makeshift ass wipe and wait for it to do it's thing. Boy did it ever.

So this time I've got nothing, I start taking stock of which piece of clothing can be sacrificed to the poop gods, ah , the sock. So I kick off my shoes, get the sock off, drop the pants lower, hike the shirt up, start wiping, The rumble starts again, I toss the sock in the garbage can. Whammo, it's another explosion. So I'm down to one sock and the boxers. I figure fuck it, this getting to be a mess, and I didn't like the boxers(they were old style Fruit of The Loom's with no button on the pee hole). So off they come, and I tear them into a few pieces. Get down to business, more rumbles, but they're lower in my stomach, so I've got hope. After a few more bouts, everything has thankfully finished, and I feel better, and confident that it's over.

I take stock of what I got, a few clean boxer scraps and the clean sock. So I gather up some confidence, let myself out of the stall, and waddle to the sink with the boxer scraps. I figure, I'll scrub up a bit. I get the hot water going, pour a ton of this horrid pink fruit smelling soap on to my boxer scraps, and scrub my lower body down a bit. I finish up, I can't see anything wrong, the biggest problem is I smell like this soap. I gather up mess that was in the small trash can toss it into the way bigger one across the room. I finish up getting dressed, I wonder what I should do with the clean sock? Fuck it, I figure and stuff it into my pocket. It was almost new. Wash my hands one more time and leave.

And that my friends, is how I spent some of the time during the Regents. With a balled up sock in my pocket, hoping that no one asked me why I smelled like a 3rd world bubble gum factory.

That read like a Juruth story, I was half expecting you to exit the stall to find Branch Warren flexing in the mirror

[Ronnie Rep]

years ago I had slept at the house of my new gf at the time... I had also been sick and was on some sort of strong antibiotic I had never taken before.  She got up to shower in the morning, and I got out of bed, feeling a fart coming on.  I let it go, but this was no fart.  A literal pancake of diarrhea flew out of the leg of my boxers and plopped with a splatter right on the carpet.  I was covered in shit and had a good sized turd pancake on the floor.

A wave of panic washed over me as I ripped off my shitty boxers and ran naked and shit stained past the bathroom where she was showering and downstairs to grab whatever cleaning products I could find.  I found some carpet cleaner under the kitchen sink and a towel and quickly went to work.  Somehow I managed to clean up my stinky mess along with my dirty ass and reduce the pancake to an almost undetectable stain, and wrapped up my boxers and the towel and threw it under her bed to be retrieved at a later time when the coast would be clear (I was running out of time, the shower had stopped).  I still don't know how the fuck I pulled it off as at the time I was filled with pure despair, confident she would catch me mid cleanup, but I just focused on the task at hand like a surgeon and did what needed to be done as quickly as possible.  She never suspected a thing and never found out.

Score for the good guys  

You are a regular McGyver of fecal fiascos!