https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115694&highlight=Danimal77“danimal77 said:
08-09-2005 01:38 PM
Advice, opinions and sugestions of any and kind would be appreciated. It's long, but I really need help guys and girls....
This has NOTHING to do with my ex. You see, I have had NO contact with my ex in over 3 months and have been dating girls for the last 2 of those 3. I have been meeting all kinds, but NONE have clicked. NONE, until a week ago that is. I met her at the bottom of my street. We were both waiting for the bus. She had a one and a half year old baby in a stroller and was going to take a cab, but I stopped her and told her that I would lift the baby onto the bus, so not to waste her money. I found out that there was no man in her life and she was 22 and completely on her own in her appartment, which was directly accross the street from me. She was beautiful and really calm and sweet. I asked her for her # and she willingly gave it to me. I wiated 2 days and called her. We made plans for last Friday night. She invited me over to her place, seeing she had a baby and had not hired a babysitter. When I walked in, I was floored. She was exactlt the woman who I was looking for. Everything was calm and serene about her appartment. She was fragile and delicate. She was calming and very spiritual. Everything I was been looking for since my ex. We ended up talking for 9 hours, opening up to each other and connecting on ALL levels. Deep, intellelectual, spiritual and intense conversations. By the end of the night (at 5:00am) we were VERY into each other. I have her a kiss goodnight on her cheek, making her want more...
Saturday night we spoke again and she invited me over again and this time, after an hour of just being very close, I complained about my neck and back hurting, she told me that she was a professional masseuse and offered me a neck and back massauge, with oils. She had me lie down and sat on my butt. She asked me to take off my shirt and she began to heal me, both physically and emotionally and told me that she would help me heal in every way. I then told her to lie on her stomach and she ended up taking off her shirt and bra and it was very sensual. We ended up kissing and stairing into each others eyes...By 2:00am when I left, I think we were both so connected it was surreal. My ex was a distant memory. She was caring, sensitive, compassionate and sweet, on all levels.
She called me 3 times several times on Sunday and she came over to my place yesterday afternoon with her baby boy. She was very affectionate, nuzzling on my neck and what have you and just very into me. We started watching a Led Zeppelin concert and I commented on how drugged out they were on Acid and she had asked me if I had ever taken it and I said no. I asked her the same and she said a few times, hoping I would not think any less of her and then I asked her if that's all she took and she then said that she had taken everything. I was puzzled at this point. I asked, everything? I said, Coke too? She said yes. I asked her for how long and she said when she said she stopped when she became pregnant and then said for about 3 years.
I asked her if she would ever take it again and she said who knows what will happen. I then got more firm, seeing my values on this subject differed from hers. I said, you always have control over what you do and don't do and then I told her that I knew close people to me who messed up their lives with that. She asked me if I was angry and I said no and then she said, you are angry and I said no. She then said she regretted telling me this and thought that I would have been more open and then I told her NOT to judge me on my openess, based on my reaction, because she does not know how I feel. I started regressing, at which point she said that she feels that we would be better off as friends and that maybe we aren't compatible. She then had to leave and take her son for a walk in the park. She said I could come if I want and so, I followed her to her appartment, where she literally was not talking and then I told her that I am NOT looking for more friends and that I have enough and thought that we were getting along really well. Then I said, you have a son and I am still here. Doesn't that show my openess? She said in retaliation, honey, you're not the only one who is interested! I could tell she was pissed. She then said that she didn't want me to coming to the park with her and her son and that she wanted to enjoy the rest of her afternoon and got on the bus, not allowing me to help her carry the carriage. That was that...
Things got bad for me last night. VERY bad. I don't know what overcame me, but all that hurt that was NOT dealt with resurfaced.
Yes, I called and I called and I called.....I even went to her place TWICE and rang her bell, knowing she was there. Her light was on, but she didn't open up... I was falling man.. I was given a suggestion to write her a letter and slip it under her door. So, at midnight, I did just that...I told her that I was sorry for judging her. I was sorry for the comment about her baby and I started telling her that I like her and asked her to call me...
I did NOT sleep at all last night. My fan broke and I had no air conditioner installed at all and so, at around 9:30am, I called her again and again twice more. NO ANSWER. Just the incessant ringing of her phone. I was determined to reach her and so I went over again. This time she opened the door. She invited me in. She visibly saw that I was an absolute wreck. I had NOT shaved, eaten, slept and I even had teary eyes. I don't know what overcame me. Maybe all the years of heartache and disappointment and abuse....
We began to talk. I ended up apologizing again. She told me that she wasn't ready to talk last night. She was angry and needed some time to think. She said that she wished that I had exerted more self-restraint and had MORE self-respect. I felt and still do feel like a failure. She was sympathetic, but you could just tell that she was completely repelled by me. She even made mention that she didn't want to get into any relationship with me. It's not her priority and she's not in the mood and clearly I am NOT ready for one either and have to look inside myself and ask myself some serious questions...
I felt so little. Not because of her, but because of my own actions/reactions. When I spoke she could not even hear me. I was so insecure and ashamed and STILL am. She agreed to be my friend and agreed to getting together on Thursday night for some beer at her place....I left and she said she was happy that things weren't so awkward now, but I could tell that she wasn't into it. I was a mess. I felt devastated and very saddened when I left. I opened up to her over the weekend and she pulled the carpet from beneath my feet and I fell. I REALLY like her.
What should I, or could I do to change the impression I created after yesterdays event? What do I do on Thursday night when I see her, if she still accepts at that point. Is she still testing my reactions, or is she 100% serious in her new found conviction?
Advice please!!!”
