Its called reading bodybuilding magazines to learn how to train and eat and trying to get stronger they didn't have fucking youtube back then
This helps explain why you have bigorexia and anorexia issues.
Spending your childhood staring at muscular men.
Hoping one day you will be like them.
But you were misled and lied to.
Just like many other BBer's you have psychological problems due to unrealistic expectations as a male. You can blame BBing mags and Hollywood for that.
People who read a lot of Comic books have the same issues.
I'm serious.
I hope you open your eyes and realize you are a winner one day hanky.
Stop beating yourself down.
Eat a nice steak with a sweet potato and veggies tonight.
Don't puke it up, it's not going to harm you.